Grandparent favoritism/extra interest in one kid

[Anonymous]

I am super close to my mom and always was- much closer to her than my dad who I felt was not super interested in me compared to my brothers.

Fast forward to my kids- I was the first to have children and my parents were so excited, both of them. I was really pleased how interested and proud they both were of my kids. Unfortunately as the kids have gotten older my dad has been showing more interest in my son and less and less interest in my daughter. When they come over he gravitates immediately to my son and my mom spends more time with my daughter but my son also wants her attention (she’s super warm- all kids love her). There have been a few other things but nothing super obvious. My son plays sports and my parents both come regularly to games. It’s all been fine. Well for the first time my daughter has a big event- a dance recital coming up. She’s danced for a couple years but for various reasons this is the first in person recital. Anyway apparently my dad doesn’t want to come. He’s not busy, he just doesn’t want to go. My mom is asking if I think my daughter will be upset and honestly I think she will notice that he’s not there but always comes to her brothers games. I haven’t responded yet because I’m kind of shocked by how angry I feel. I don’t want to make this about how I felt growing up so I’m trying to separate those feelings but I also don’t think it’s ok. Both my in-laws are looking into flying into town to time a visit around the recital and I’ve never felt more grateful for them but I’m not 100 confident they will make it (they end up canceling fairly often for health reasons especially since the pandemic).

I know I didn’t give a lot of details but I am ok to at a minimum tell my dad I think my daughter will be unhappy he chose not to come right? I am not going to ask her because I don’t even want her to know this conversation is happening.

[Anonymous]

Recitals are brutal. 2+ hours fora a 3 min routine.

[Anonymous]

It is what it is. Yes, let him know that 1) you know he doesn’t care for recitals and 2) DD will notice that he comes to her brother’s games but not her events, & will probably be disappointed. And then let him do with that what he will - he can make his choice.

You can’t protect DD from realizing, at some point, that she is not the favorite. And it’s ok - sounds like she has multiple grandparents, so that is nice. Honestly it is not a huge deal, just like learning you are not every teacher’s favorite, or that a coach prefers other kids over you - kind of those lessons that everyone experiences. I think you are feeling it more because you experienced it on a more serious level - you felt this from your dad, which IS a big deal.

So - DD will be fine. I’m sorry you are experiencing this pain again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recitals are brutal. 2+ hours fora a 3 min routine.

Sorry, but I agree. No one wants to sit through umpteen acts before their family member comes on. Or worse, yours comes out early and then you're stuck until the grand finale.

OP, maybe your dad doesn't mi d sporting events because they're casual and there's space. Does he have mobility isaues, or hearing problems?

[Anonymous]

Are the sports events out side or inside?

Personally I would be fine with my parents attending an outside game, but I would not want them in a crowded indoor auditorium because of COVID risks.

Putting that aside, tell them the truth. Say you think she will notice that you come to her brothers games but not her recital and she might be disappointed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recitals are brutal. 2+ hours fora a 3 min routine.

Yes this. Can he come for the half shes in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recitals are brutal. 2+ hours fora a 3 min routine.

Sorry, but I agree. No one wants to sit through umpteen acts before their family member comes on. Or worse, yours comes out early and then you're stuck until the grand finale.

OP, maybe your dad doesn't mi d sporting events because they're casual and there's space. Does he have mobility isaues, or hearing problems?

It’s not that he doesn’t mind them, he’s screaming my son’s name and cheering constantly, even for sports he was never interested in before. I think he’s probably more comfortable outside but I am confident if my son had an indoor game he would come to that as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recitals are brutal. 2+ hours fora a 3 min routine.

Are you really not going to go to your grandkids recitals? I am kind of shocked. I mean they don’t have that much going on and it’s 90 minutes.

[Anonymous]

I would calmly ask your Dad, “how do you want me to explain your absence to DD? She knows if her brother had an event you would be there.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recitals are brutal. 2+ hours fora a 3 min routine.

Are you really not going to go to your grandkids recitals? I am kind of shocked. I mean they don’t have that much going on and it’s 90 minutes.

DP. I'd go, but it's not easy to sit through for a healthy 30-40 years old, but ugh, if you're 65+.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recitals are brutal. 2+ hours fora a 3 min routine.

Are you really not going to go to your grandkids recitals? I am kind of shocked. I mean they don’t have that much going on and it’s 90 minutes.

I'm a parent, not a grandparent, and I dread these recitals. I was thrilled when my daughter gave up dance. Sports games are different. My dad enjoys coming to my son's baseball games. It's outside, he likes the game, my kid plays the whole game, there is a concession stand. Being stuck in an auditorium watching other kids for hours is no fun for anyone, including parents. Does she have any other interests he can show up for? Maybe have a celebratory ice cream after the recital?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recitals are brutal. 2+ hours fora a 3 min routine.

Sorry, but I agree. No one wants to sit through umpteen acts before their family member comes on. Or worse, yours comes out early and then you're stuck until the grand finale.

OP, maybe your dad doesn't mi d sporting events because they're casual and there's space. Does he have mobility isaues, or hearing problems?

Sports games are brutal too. Sitting outdoors, on bleachers, for 2-3 hours. So boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recitals are brutal. 2+ hours fora a 3 min routine.

Sorry, but I agree. No one wants to sit through umpteen acts before their family member comes on. Or worse, yours comes out early and then you're stuck until the grand finale.

OP, maybe your dad doesn't mi d sporting events because they're casual and there's space. Does he have mobility isaues, or hearing problems?

Sports games are brutal too. Sitting outdoors, on bleachers, for 2-3 hours. So boring.

Not really. Sports parents are prepared. They have comfortable bleacher seats, there are bathroom nearby, concessions, you can move around, and most kids play more than 3 mins in a 90 minute game. Bur haters gonna hate.

[Anonymous]

This stinks but it’ll be easier on you if you just accept it and let it go. My dad was like this with my brother. Neither of my parents went to my swim meets because they were too hot and boring; they just dropped me off. What’s important is that you’ll be there. As long as she has you cheering for her, she’ll be ok!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is what it is. Yes, let him know that 1) you know he doesn’t care for recitals and 2) DD will notice that he comes to her brother’s games but not her events, & will probably be disappointed. And then let him do with that what he will - he can make his choice.

You can’t protect DD from realizing, at some point, that she is not the favorite. And it’s ok - sounds like she has multiple grandparents, so that is nice. Honestly it is not a huge deal, just like learning you are not every teacher’s favorite, or that a coach prefers other kids over you - kind of those lessons that everyone experiences. I think you are feeling it more because you experienced it on a more serious level - you felt this from your dad, which IS a big deal.

So - DD will be fine. I’m sorry you are experiencing this pain again.

OP here and thank you for the very kind response. You are right noticing one grandparent has a preference is different than what I felt growing up. Makes me appreciate the effort my husband makes to find ways to connect with our daughter.