Grandparent favoritism/extra interest in one kid

[Anonymous]

This wouldn’t fly with me. We get it, dance recitals aren’t fun, but T ball can also be boring. I would explain to him that his actions will hurt your DD’s feelings.. If he still doesn’t want to attend, I would also tell him to not attend the boy’s games. Be a mama bear and protect your child.

[Anonymous]

I’m a grandfather to both boys and girls and babies in a close family. As close as we all are, I (we) still need to be very careful to not lead our children to believe that we are playing favorites. It can be challenging at times.

The last thing I’d want to do is go to a granddaughter’s dance recital. I’d much, much rather go to a grandson’s sporting event.

I’d still go, though. The grandfather here is being a real prick.

One question: how do you know he isn’t planning on going simply because he doesn’t want to? Did he tell you that directly? Or are you hearing it from your mother? If you’re hearing it from her, she’s not helping things very much.

[Anonymous]

I think it is fine for your dad not to go. Maybe it is hard for him to sit for longer periods for some reason. The vast majority of us have parents that live hours away, and they never see grandkids do anything. How your daughter deals with this is all about you. If it is no big deal to you, it will be no big deal to her. Maybe you can record just her portion and then play it for your dad the next time you are together so she can show him.

I have young adults, no grandkids yet. I do not want to be expected to be at every sports game and recital as a measure of my love.

[Anonymous]

You are turning this into way too big of a deal.

I'm a dance mom. It is NOT fun to sit around and wait for your kid to dance for 2 minutes. The grandparents who do come all end up falling asleep in their chairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are turning this into way too big of a deal.

I'm a dance mom. It is NOT fun to sit around and wait for your kid to dance for 2 minutes. The grandparents who do come all end up falling asleep in their chairs.

Honestly, if my parents never came to any kid events, I would understand. My grandparents lived further away, a distance they could go to things but it would be really tough and so they didn’t.

It’s just that this is my daughter’s only thing. It’s not like she has sport events he’s also going to. So having him actively and enthusiastically support my son but do nothing for my daughter sends a signal. It’s literally 90 minutes once a year. I just don’t understand. My mom is not into sports at all but she would never consider only sending my dad to a game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a grandfather to both boys and girls and babies in a close family. As close as we all are, I (we) still need to be very careful to not lead our children to believe that we are playing favorites. It can be challenging at times.

The last thing I’d want to do is go to a granddaughter’s dance recital. I’d much, much rather go to a grandson’s sporting event.

I’d still go, though. The grandfather here is being a real prick.

One question: how do you know he isn’t planning on going simply because he doesn’t want to? Did he tell you that directly? Or are you hearing it from your mother? If you’re hearing it from her, she’s not helping things very much.

Yes my mother wants me to give my dad permission to skip it. I’m frustrated with her too.

[Anonymous]

People are being pretty clear that this event is a real chore. You're just choosing to ignore it. Plus how do you know its 90 minutes, you've never been to one of her recitals and said this is the first one. Also you said you in-laws are coming. Do all the grandparents get along? Maybe your dad also wants to avoid seeing them. Have you ever sat through one of these yourself to be so sure about how it is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are turning this into way too big of a deal.

I'm a dance mom. It is NOT fun to sit around and wait for your kid to dance for 2 minutes. The grandparents who do come all end up falling asleep in their chairs.

Honestly, if my parents never came to any kid events, I would understand. My grandparents lived further away, a distance they could go to things but it would be really tough and so they didn’t.

It’s just that this is my daughter’s only thing. It’s not like she has sport events he’s also going to. So having him actively and enthusiastically support my son but do nothing for my daughter sends a signal. It’s literally 90 minutes once a year. I just don’t understand. My mom is not into sports at all but she would never consider only sending my dad to a game.

My dad comes to games and my mom skips. My mom also went to the dance recital while my dad skipped. At a game you can come and go as you please, you're trapped at a dance recital you can't come just for your kids part and leave right after. You're refusing to see the difference in these two types of events and the difference is vast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a grandfather to both boys and girls and babies in a close family. As close as we all are, I (we) still need to be very careful to not lead our children to believe that we are playing favorites. It can be challenging at times.

The last thing I’d want to do is go to a granddaughter’s dance recital. I’d much, much rather go to a grandson’s sporting event.

I’d still go, though. The grandfather here is being a real prick.

One question: how do you know he isn’t planning on going simply because he doesn’t want to? Did he tell you that directly? Or are you hearing it from your mother? If you’re hearing it from her, she’s not helping things very much.

Yes my mother wants me to give my dad permission to skip it. I’m frustrated with her too.

He doesn’t need permission. He allowed to make his own mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are turning this into way too big of a deal.

I'm a dance mom. It is NOT fun to sit around and wait for your kid to dance for 2 minutes. The grandparents who do come all end up falling asleep in their chairs.

Honestly, if my parents never came to any kid events, I would understand. My grandparents lived further away, a distance they could go to things but it would be really tough and so they didn’t.

It’s just that this is my daughter’s only thing. It’s not like she has sport events he’s also going to. So having him actively and enthusiastically support my son but do nothing for my daughter sends a signal. It’s literally 90 minutes once a year. I just don’t understand. My mom is not into sports at all but she would never consider only sending my dad to a game.

My dad comes to games and my mom skips. My mom also went to the dance recital while my dad skipped. At a game you can come and go as you please, you're trapped at a dance recital you can't come just for your kids part and leave right after. You're refusing to see the difference in these two types of events and the difference is vast.

Well I danced growing up and had recitals myself for over 10 years. So I do know a bit about it. But honestly I just don’t think it’s about enjoying the activity at all. It’s about supporting your grandchild. I require my children to attend and behave well at family events that they don’t particularly enjoy and to me this seems like the same thing. I am getting the message many of you don’t feel that way and I guess it doesn’t matter what I think because I certainly can’t make him do anything. My daughter has no idea any of this conversation is happening and if he doesn’t attend I will be calm about it. There certainly are lots of other people who will be supporting her.

[Anonymous]

My MIL chose her youngest daughter over her other daughter,
when my oldest was born she tried to pull the same crap.

Nope had to cut her out of their lives it was so unhealthy. UGH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a grandfather to both boys and girls and babies in a close family. As close as we all are, I (we) still need to be very careful to not lead our children to believe that we are playing favorites. It can be challenging at times.

The last thing I’d want to do is go to a granddaughter’s dance recital. I’d much, much rather go to a grandson’s sporting event.

I’d still go, though. The grandfather here is being a real prick.

One question: how do you know he isn’t planning on going simply because he doesn’t want to? Did he tell you that directly? Or are you hearing it from your mother? If you’re hearing it from her, she’s not helping things very much.

Yes my mother wants me to give my dad permission to skip it. I’m frustrated with her too.

He doesn’t need permission. He allowed to make his own mistakes.

She is literally asking me, in a leading fashion, if my daughter will be disappointed by his absence. I am going to answer honestly as I can and then there’s nothing else to be done. I guess I’m supposed to be thankful that there are other people willing to put themselves through the torture that is a dance recital for my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are turning this into way too big of a deal.

I'm a dance mom. It is NOT fun to sit around and wait for your kid to dance for 2 minutes. The grandparents who do come all end up falling asleep in their chairs.

Honestly, if my parents never came to any kid events, I would understand. My grandparents lived further away, a distance they could go to things but it would be really tough and so they didn’t.

It’s just that this is my daughter’s only thing. It’s not like she has sport events he’s also going to. So having him actively and enthusiastically support my son but do nothing for my daughter sends a signal. It’s literally 90 minutes once a year. I just don’t understand. My mom is not into sports at all but she would never consider only sending my dad to a game.

My dad comes to games and my mom skips. My mom also went to the dance recital while my dad skipped. At a game you can come and go as you please, you're trapped at a dance recital you can't come just for your kids part and leave right after. You're refusing to see the difference in these two types of events and the difference is vast.

Well I danced growing up and had recitals myself for over 10 years. So I do know a bit about it. But honestly I just don’t think it’s about enjoying the activity at all. It’s about supporting your grandchild. I require my children to attend and behave well at family events that they don’t particularly enjoy and to me this seems like the same thing. I am getting the message many of you don’t feel that way and I guess it doesn’t matter what I think because I certainly can’t make him do anything. My daughter has no idea any of this conversation is happening and if he doesn’t attend I will be calm about it. There certainly are lots of other people who will be supporting her.

Sounds like your dad has some experience too with the recitals and knows what he's getting in to. You can make this your hill to die on or find other ways your dad can bond with and support your granddaughter. She won't even be spending any of this time with him, but you've decided this is of monumental importance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are turning this into way too big of a deal.

I'm a dance mom. It is NOT fun to sit around and wait for your kid to dance for 2 minutes. The grandparents who do come all end up falling asleep in their chairs.

Honestly, if my parents never came to any kid events, I would understand. My grandparents lived further away, a distance they could go to things but it would be really tough and so they didn’t.

It’s just that this is my daughter’s only thing. It’s not like she has sport events he’s also going to. So having him actively and enthusiastically support my son but do nothing for my daughter sends a signal. It’s literally 90 minutes once a year. I just don’t understand. My mom is not into sports at all but she would never consider only sending my dad to a game.

My dad comes to games and my mom skips. My mom also went to the dance recital while my dad skipped. At a game you can come and go as you please, you're trapped at a dance recital you can't come just for your kids part and leave right after. You're refusing to see the difference in these two types of events and the difference is vast.

Well I danced growing up and had recitals myself for over 10 years. So I do know a bit about it. But honestly I just don’t think it’s about enjoying the activity at all. It’s about supporting your grandchild. I require my children to attend and behave well at family events that they don’t particularly enjoy and to me this seems like the same thing. I am getting the message many of you don’t feel that way and I guess it doesn’t matter what I think because I certainly can’t make him do anything. My daughter has no idea any of this conversation is happening and if he doesn’t attend I will be calm about it. There certainly are lots of other people who will be supporting her.

Sounds like your dad has some experience too with the recitals and knows what he's getting in to. You can make this your hill to die on or find other ways your dad can bond with and support your granddaughter. She won't even be spending any of this time with him, but you've decided this is of monumental importance.

^ sorry your daughter/his granddaughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is what it is. Yes, let him know that 1) you know he doesn’t care for recitals and 2) DD will notice that he comes to her brother’s games but not her events, & will probably be disappointed. And then let him do with that what he will - he can make his choice.

You can’t protect DD from realizing, at some point, that she is not the favorite. And it’s ok - sounds like she has multiple grandparents, so that is nice. Honestly it is not a huge deal, just like learning you are not every teacher’s favorite, or that a coach prefers other kids over you - kind of those lessons that everyone experiences. I think you are feeling it more because you experienced it on a more serious level - you felt this from your dad, which IS a big deal.

So - DD will be fine. I’m sorry you are experiencing this pain again.

It may not be that she is not the favorite, but that Grandpa and son have more shared interests. It's pretty normal that guys bond over sports, rather than dance recitals. OP - instead of fretting, look for something that both Grandpa and daughter would like to do and set it up for when your son is not there. Facilitate a little bit.