New team mean girls advice

[Anonymous]

Been in this situation. Your kid came into an already set team. That's not good unless she is SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE. Otherwise, the girls look at her as an outsider and will do whatever they can to push her out so they keep their play time.

The only way to win this is for your kid to play better than them in practice and games. That's the only way. She needs to beat them playing the game of soccer. This will earn their respect and they will eventually back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The exact thing happened to my daughter. She switched to an upper team that had been together for a few years. The parents were a-holes and friends with the coaches. The girls were demons. She took a few privates with the coaches (a bit of gamesmanship) so they could see her in her element and actually just see her. This helped a lot. She also took outside privates at an organization completely unrelated to her club. This really booster her confidence. Honestly by the end of the season, she was a starter in her position.

Super great advice. Stick to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The exact thing happened to my daughter. She switched to an upper team that had been together for a few years. The parents were a-holes and friends with the coaches. The girls were demons. She took a few privates with the coaches (a bit of gamesmanship) so they could see her in her element and actually just see her. This helped a lot. She also took outside privates at an organization completely unrelated to her club. This really booster her confidence. Honestly by the end of the season, she was a starter in her position.

Super great advice. Stick to it.

Good advice other than suggesting privates with coach. You might as well just hand the coach a $100 and tell him what position you want to see your kid play and for how long in the game.

Privates with your coach NEVER works out in the long run. It pisses other parents off and puts a big question mark over your kids ability. This is why many clubs ban it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This is actually more helpful than I expected. To answer several comments: she WAS significantly better than most but is starting to not show it. One PP has it on the nose: she is being more than snubbed on the field. It’s pass to anyone but her by the controlling group. She is kind but shy. She can lead but prefers to act rather than talk. I can’t play for private coaching, but she works on her own all the time. I agree, we can try patience and see if she can step up… ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is actually more helpful than I expected. To answer several comments: she WAS significantly better than most but is starting to not show it. One PP has it on the nose: she is being more than snubbed on the field. It’s pass to anyone but her by the controlling group. She is kind but shy. She can lead but prefers to act rather than talk. I can’t play for private coaching, but she works on her own all the time. I agree, we can try patience and see if she can step up… ugh.

If you want to win at the highest levels players have to play as a team.

If you're winning but a clique is avoiding passing to certain players it's an obvious sign that you're not playing in a high level league.

[Anonymous]

Think GA or USYS premier rather than ECNL1. And team does lose some games

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is actually more helpful than I expected. To answer several comments: she WAS significantly better than most but is starting to not show it. One PP has it on the nose: she is being more than snubbed on the field. It’s pass to anyone but her by the controlling group. She is kind but shy. She can lead but prefers to act rather than talk. I can’t play for private coaching, but she works on her own all the time. I agree, we can try patience and see if she can step up… ugh.

Gosh i feel like im reading about my kid. Sounds like ur kid is responsible for generating offense. The tough spot is being the new kid. She has to
Absolutely not only play better than her peers but be ok with being s dog out there. Play with some aggression and attitude and it changes mean girls tunes quickly. Sometimes you/she will have to treat it like a job. Seek less acceptance socially … show up… do ur job well.. make coach happy and go home. Let her know she is great…if u have her game play on video, watch tape for reminders. Watching tape also gives em ideas in how to deal with icebergs. Requires some high iq out there to force passing situations. Because if she doesn’t less output = time on the metal bench

The competition in the competition is part of the game until ur team gets synergy and learns to be a non toxic team. The Arl13s come to mind and some of the older NVa girls teams come to mind(the one that is so comfortable they clown each other on insta posts w no hard feelings)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is actually more helpful than I expected. To answer several comments: she WAS significantly better than most but is starting to not show it. One PP has it on the nose: she is being more than snubbed on the field. It’s pass to anyone but her by the controlling group. She is kind but shy. She can lead but prefers to act rather than talk. I can’t play for private coaching, but she works on her own all the time. I agree, we can try patience and see if she can step up… ugh.

Ooof this was us last year. We switch mid year and never looked back from a team like this and it's been the best decision. Even the coach was unhelpful and that's when we were truly done. Life's too short and kids have so much else to worry about to be miserable because of bullies on their sports team.

I highly recommend IDing now for next year. It'll help keep your kid's spirits up through the season if they know in a few months it'll be over and she's can move on to a less toxic team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All right, collective wisdom of DCUM… here is the deal. DD U15 switched from mid level team as top player to better team. She should still be one of the top players on new team based on skill, speed etc, but there is a terrible mean girls clique and the start has not been great. She is not one to challenge or upset status quo. The issue is the nastier the girls get, the worse she plays, and the worse she plays, the less she plays, which makes her play even worse. Also she is not playing her preferred position, that is reserved for the meanest girl. And no, we did not know the dynamics to start, just that it is a great team with a coach she really respects. Coach working on the issues but it’s not going to change quickly.
So. Does she try to stick it out? Does she wait for next season and see what happens? Does she say this is ridiculous and go back to old team? Pros of staying: better training, faster games, maybe more college exposure. Also she would see it as failure to go back. Cons: if she doesn’t regain confidence, the exposure and training won’t matter.
What is the crowdsourced answer here?

I bolded the parts that really stand out to me. First off this happens on a lot of upper level girls teams. This is a good opportunity to learn how to deal with people like this, she's old enough to understand these sorts of issues, help her work through them.

Respected coach, better training, faster games, more college exposure... you've found what most people are looking for with the caveat that there is an established click that needs to be sorted out. Find other ways to build/maintain her confidence while she works through it and make sure to keep communicating with the coach. Plus it sounds like she doesn't want to go back either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is actually more helpful than I expected. To answer several comments: she WAS significantly better than most but is starting to not show it. One PP has it on the nose: she is being more than snubbed on the field. It’s pass to anyone but her by the controlling group. She is kind but shy. She can lead but prefers to act rather than talk. I can’t play for private coaching, but she works on her own all the time. I agree, we can try patience and see if she can step up… ugh.

Ooof this was us last year. We switch mid year and never looked back from a team like this and it's been the best decision. Even the coach was unhelpful and that's when we were truly done. Life's too short and kids have so much else to worry about to be miserable because of bullies on their sports team.

I highly recommend IDing now for next year. It'll help keep your kid's spirits up through the season if they know in a few months it'll be over and she's can move on to a less toxic team.

ill say sometimes its ok to air it out w the coach on the way out. You may be surprised what the response is. Our DD had/has issues w that every now and then. W her current coach we aired out her success was dependent on teammates who were currently getting side coached/joysticked into things they couldn’t do having a direct impact on her and the teams success. Coach course corrected and adjusted lineups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is actually more helpful than I expected. To answer several comments: she WAS significantly better than most but is starting to not show it. One PP has it on the nose: she is being more than snubbed on the field. It’s pass to anyone but her by the controlling group. She is kind but shy. She can lead but prefers to act rather than talk. I can’t play for private coaching, but she works on her own all the time. I agree, we can try patience and see if she can step up… ugh.

Use this as a learning opportunity for her to become more vocal on the field. Nothing calls out ball-hogging and "pass to anyone but her" nonsense like getting into space and loudly yelling for the ball EVERY TIME.

And as the ball-hogs dribble and lose it, or make a worse passing decision and lose it or go nowhere, it becomes impossible not to notice that (1) your player is doing what she should be doing (getting into space and unmistakably communicating with her teammates) and (2) the other players are making poor decisions.

A good coach will step up and take the opportunity to intervene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The exact thing happened to my daughter. She switched to an upper team that had been together for a few years. The parents were a-holes and friends with the coaches. The girls were demons. She took a few privates with the coaches (a bit of gamesmanship) so they could see her in her element and actually just see her. This helped a lot. She also took outside privates at an organization completely unrelated to her club. This really booster her confidence. Honestly by the end of the season, she was a starter in her position.

Super great advice. Stick to it.

Good advice other than suggesting privates with coach. You might as well just hand the coach a $100 and tell him what position you want to see your kid play and for how long in the game.

Privates with your coach NEVER works out in the long run. It pisses other parents off and puts a big question mark over your kids ability. This is why many clubs ban it.

Most clubs have this. Just keep your mouth shut and no one will know. The privates dont/arent supposed to be before or after practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A team is not great if toxic even if the skills are better

Facts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is actually more helpful than I expected. To answer several comments: she WAS significantly better than most but is starting to not show it. One PP has it on the nose: she is being more than snubbed on the field. It’s pass to anyone but her by the controlling group. She is kind but shy. She can lead but prefers to act rather than talk. I can’t play for private coaching, but she works on her own all the time. I agree, we can try patience and see if she can step up… ugh.

Ooof this was us last year. We switch mid year and never looked back from a team like this and it's been the best decision. Even the coach was unhelpful and that's when we were truly done. Life's too short and kids have so much else to worry about to be miserable because of bullies on their sports team.

I highly recommend IDing now for next year. It'll help keep your kid's spirits up through the season if they know in a few months it'll be over and she's can move on to a less toxic team.

ill say sometimes its ok to air it out w the coach on the way out. You may be surprised what the response is. Our DD had/has issues w that every now and then. W her current coach we aired out her success was dependent on teammates who were currently getting side coached/joysticked into things they couldn’t do having a direct impact on her and the teams success. Coach course corrected and adjusted lineups.

PP. Agree on talking to the coach. However, We tried during that end of season meeting. The coach was unresponsive on the topic and we signed up to ID elsewhere the next day. We are happily elsewhere with a much more involved coach and team thankfully.

Honestly, I wish we'd left sooner. However, hindsight is 20/20. I only know one family that regretted leaving a team and wishing they could have gone back because the grass wasn't greener on the other side. Their reasonings were not for similar reasons that we changed teams, though. They wanted to keep their kid on a high team but have their kid actually start and both of those things were just not in the cards for them.

[Anonymous]

Move on. It's not for her. It's better for you to follow her around and be a helicopter parent trying to solve her problems. That always works out.