New team mean girls advice

[Anonymous]

I feel each team has it's cliques of players, mostly 2 or 3 per team; but in the end the girls all want to win and if a new player is good, they readily accept her within the team and the new player usually finds their way and no issues. Rarely I have seen it effect the play on the field, where the coach would need to step in. Coach is not going to monitor the cliques or if there is a "mean girl" culture, because it is subjective.

Only have perspective of top team mentality and culture, where girls for the most part are on the team because they have all worked hard to get there.

As far as parents, parents are welcoming again if the new player is good and/or fits a need for the team. Also, if the new parents are nice/cool, no their spot within the "team", etc. If you come in to a new team, just like when you start a new job, and stir things up or are unrealistic about your dd's role within the team, thats when you could experience issues.

Also, same with the girls, your dd does not have to be a starter or a star, she could be the last few off the bench, but if she is nice and tries to fit in within the team culture, no issues.

[Anonymous]

Assuming this is normal teenage social dynamics level stuff, and not abusive or severe bullying from the other girls, I would stay for another year and see how it goes.

Consider it a learning experience for her - she's going to need to deal with difficult peers on and off the pitch. If she likes and respects the coach and if the intensity of training at practice and the level of play in the games is higher, she can still develop her game more than she could being the biggest fish in a smaller pond.

If by this time next year things are still not materially improved, look to change clubs; but I would not go back down to a lower-level club, I'd look for another higher-level club like the one she's at now.

[Anonymous]

We had this issue too, the mean girls would not pass DD the ball when they should. It can be infuriating. Our DD ended getting moved to play up because of the team dynamics. The coach didn’t want to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

The kids are a reflection of the parents. Watch, the problem girls that group up will have patents usually the moms that do the same. Better coaches will force the problem players to play with everyone on the team (not just pass to their friends) through drills and repetition. Coaches shouldn't get involved trying to separate the cliques or calling out the parents or kids. It won't work and the moms will just turn on the coach. Usually if a coach can get the players winning by playing as a team the cliques will diminish.

Things I've seen...
- Players not passing to open players not in their group
- Parents grouping up to exclude other patents
- Parents grouping up to exclude other parents from team decisions (restaurants, outside activities. Etc)
- Parents grouping up to do package deals to other clubs
- Parents grouping up to actually steal from other parents with washed event fees
- Parents grouping up to do privates with the coach. Which is basically a veiled way to pay the coach for minutes / positions.

If you're dealing with this type of thing I suggest just ignoring it. Grouping up works when kids are young and everyone is roughly the same skills wise. However as they get older and the players get better and skills go up if coaches want to win the cliques need to stop. Usually the parents that are awful will burn a collective amout of bridges and one of problem parents kid will get cut.

The one thing I would suggest you do is ask your coach to have all communication go through teamsnap (or whatever). Controlling the flow of information coach to parents is often how mean girl moms make everyone's else's life difficult. Take this away and it makes things much better.

[Anonymous]

I'm a coach and I have experience with this.

Give it one year. If things haven't improved by the end of a year, you just need to switch teams. If it hasn't improved by then, then it's not ever going to improve.

[Anonymous]

To get away from the mean girl nonsense player and parent. Join a Futsal or basketball team (court IQ is the same) or get involved with a private training group away from your team. By doing this you'll meet new people from other clubs/teams and your kid can focus on improving their skills. When the cliques either players or parents see you chatting and hanging out with players and parents from other teams it will drive them crazy. It will also give you options for other places to play if the nonsense doesn't stop. What you'll find is cliques are very common what you'll also find is that most really good teams don't have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To get away from the mean girl nonsense player and parent. Join a Futsal or basketball team (court IQ is the same) or get involved with a private training group away from your team. By doing this you'll meet new people from other clubs/teams and your kid can focus on improving their skills. When the cliques either players or parents see you chatting and hanging out with players and parents from other teams it will drive them crazy. It will also give you options for other places to play if the nonsense doesn't stop. What you'll find is cliques are very common what you'll also find is that most really good teams don't have them.

At u10 our mean girls clique were all starters. However anyone with eyes could see that with 5'1" moms that their kids were early developers. Now at u14 our coach has brought on size power and speed. The mean girls clique and their moms have all progressed down to 2nd line. My kid starts every game and has friends in every club around because of Futsal and strength training groups. The best part is that one of the clique moms has gotten fatter and fatter every year. You can tell that her "friends" are being less and less accepting of her. Unfortunately for her nobody else wants to associate because she was such a b1tch. Everyone knows who's going to get cut next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To get away from the mean girl nonsense player and parent. Join a Futsal or basketball team (court IQ is the same) or get involved with a private training group away from your team. By doing this you'll meet new people from other clubs/teams and your kid can focus on improving their skills. When the cliques either players or parents see you chatting and hanging out with players and parents from other teams it will drive them crazy. It will also give you options for other places to play if the nonsense doesn't stop. What you'll find is cliques are very common what you'll also find is that most really good teams don't have them.

At u10 our mean girls clique were all starters. However anyone with eyes could see that with 5'1" moms that their kids were early developers. Now at u14 our coach has brought on size power and speed. The mean girls clique and their moms have all progressed down to 2nd line. My kid starts every game and has friends in every club around because of Futsal and strength training groups. The best part is that one of the clique moms has gotten fatter and fatter every year. You can tell that her "friends" are being less and less accepting of her. Unfortunately for her nobody else wants to associate because she was such a b1tch. Everyone knows who's going to get cut next.

You sound pretty mean too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All right, collective wisdom of DCUM… here is the deal. DD U15 switched from mid level team as top player to better team. She should still be one of the top players on new team based on skill, speed etc, but there is a terrible mean girls clique and the start has not been great. She is not one to challenge or upset status quo. The issue is the nastier the girls get, the worse she plays, and the worse she plays, the less she plays, which makes her play even worse. Also she is not playing her preferred position, that is reserved for the meanest girl. And no, we did not know the dynamics to start, just that it is a great team with a coach she really respects. Coach working on the issues but it’s not going to change quickly.
So. Does she try to stick it out? Does she wait for next season and see what happens? Does she say this is ridiculous and go back to old team? Pros of staying: better training, faster games, maybe more college exposure. Also she would see it as failure to go back. Cons: if she doesn’t regain confidence, the exposure and training won’t matter.
What is the crowdsourced answer here?

We left a team years ago because of this issue. Girls were selfish and mean. Coach and Manager could not get it under control. Parents were absolute obnoxious jerks! Best move ever, and it was a very talented team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To get away from the mean girl nonsense player and parent. Join a Futsal or basketball team (court IQ is the same) or get involved with a private training group away from your team. By doing this you'll meet new people from other clubs/teams and your kid can focus on improving their skills. When the cliques either players or parents see you chatting and hanging out with players and parents from other teams it will drive them crazy. It will also give you options for other places to play if the nonsense doesn't stop. What you'll find is cliques are very common what you'll also find is that most really good teams don't have them.

At u10 our mean girls clique were all starters. However anyone with eyes could see that with 5'1" moms that their kids were early developers. Now at u14 our coach has brought on size power and speed. The mean girls clique and their moms have all progressed down to 2nd line. My kid starts every game and has friends in every club around because of Futsal and strength training groups. The best part is that one of the clique moms has gotten fatter and fatter every year. You can tell that her "friends" are being less and less accepting of her. Unfortunately for her nobody else wants to associate because she was such a b1tch. Everyone knows who's going to get cut next.

You sound pretty mean too.

I am
But I'm not into grouping up with other parents to try and control the team. Work with your kid to get better or go away. Stop spending time playing the social game and just focus on getting better as a player.

[Anonymous]

I agree with much of what is being said -- but one thing to note is that it isn't just the moms who are "mean parents." Dads can be mean and cliquish, too. And I have to assume that this sort of thing happens on the boys' teams, too. Mean humans exist across genders and ages. It's not a bad thing for kids to learn to navigate this at an early age because it doesn't go away when they reach adulthood.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with most of the PPs. If your DD is truly one of the most talented players and has a strong desire to play at higher levels, she has to develop and maintain the mindset that when she goes to new teams, the players likely will hate her…and that she couldn’t care less.

At u15, she may need to move clubs more than once and, and assuming she is playing HS, will be moved up to varsity and elevated to a starting position sooner or later…so the “hate” and number of haters will likely grow.

She needs to lock in on being a footballer/futbolista. Those other girls - like most girls playing - are about Insta, Snap and slumber parties. She’s about futbol. If she can lock in on that, she 1) won’t care about them and 2) they’ll likely start to realize they can’t get to her since she is there to ball and doesn’t care about their social BS. At U11, the social stuff matters, at u15+ she can’t let it - if the game is what matters to her.

[Anonymous]

Agree with sticking it out POV. It is a tough age to be and to parent across schools and teams, especially if those cultures don't feel healthy. Her skills, fitness, and soccer IQ can grow in any environment if those are her goals. Sometimes understanding that it's insecure and selfish people who make organizations feel unhealthy can give players the courage to stay (or just say no). It really can work, healthy and positive people can change the culture, especially if the coach is one of the positives!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with most of the PPs. If your DD is truly one of the most talented players and has a strong desire to play at higher levels, she has to develop and maintain the mindset that when she goes to new teams, the players likely will hate her…and that she couldn’t care less.

At u15, she may need to move clubs more than once and, and assuming she is playing HS, will be moved up to varsity and elevated to a starting position sooner or later…so the “hate” and number of haters will likely grow.

She needs to lock in on being a footballer/futbolista. Those other girls - like most girls playing - are about Insta, Snap and slumber parties. She’s about futbol. If she can lock in on that, she 1) won’t care about them and 2) they’ll likely start to realize they can’t get to her since she is there to ball and doesn’t care about their social BS. At U11, the social stuff matters, at u15+ she can’t let it - if the game is what matters to her.

+1000 well said. Mine is still a u14 but we've certainly experienced all this as new family at competitive clubs; general coldness/rudeness, mean teammates, classist parents, coaches who don't care to change team dynamics, being exluded from meals and the group chat, and the cake was coaches who eat dinner with top players families to dawg former families who didn't stick it out etc... LOL not making this up. The parents carry a lot of weight at these young ages so I'm glad to hear that it will get better u15 on. For what its worth, we have stuck it out not sure it was the best decsision but DC is one of those serious footballers who is there to get bettter and play the game. Could care less about the opposite sex, or any social media thats not IGs of cool moves and favorite footballers. Some have gravitated to them becuase they can play but others haven't. Fortunately the respect appears to be there because they play alot of minutes and thus teammates have to depend on them. Most vital is confidence once that starts to wane, and you can't do anything else to turn it around where performance is impacted, then you have to look around and find an alternative ASAP, and then be willing to have that back-up plan in place every year in case it goes from uncomfortbale to nasty. Discomfort is a good things sometimes so know the difference, put options in front of your kid, and then let them decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with much of what is being said -- but one thing to note is that it isn't just the moms who are "mean parents." Dads can be mean and cliquish, too. And I have to assume that this sort of thing happens on the boys' teams, too. Mean humans exist across genders and ages. It's not a bad thing for kids to learn to navigate this at an early age because it doesn't go away when they reach adulthood.

yes some Dads can be mean and cliquish but generally most soccer boys (and their dads) are less focused on this kind of cliquish behavior like keeping the ball away from a new boy, but other toxic masculinity issues like joysticking or yelling at each other, refs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AA0PwmQMVG8