Elderly widower dating very soon after spouse's death

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure his money goes to you, now or later, and not to that woman.
The rest is just fluff, you’ll get over it! But yes I get the feeling and I am sorry. But focus on the key things.

How does one do that?

DP here
She can only do that if the Dad agrees. And, given my experience with my FIL and my own father, he probably won't agree to that.

That they would not be amenable for this discussion?

I have a friend and her MiL passed away 25 years ago. FiL has been in a LT relationship for nearly 20 years. They've bought some property (he has) in both their names and it will go to her when he passes away. My friend's sibling in laws are worked up about this, but my friend and her DH are pretty chill because they know FiL can be a challenge and his partner is really caring for him as his health declines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure his money goes to you, now or later, and not to that woman.
The rest is just fluff, you’ll get over it! But yes I get the feeling and I am sorry. But focus on the key things.

How does one do that?

DP here
She can only do that if the Dad agrees. And, given my experience with my FIL and my own father, he probably won't agree to that.

That they would not be amenable for this discussion?

I have a friend and her MiL passed away 25 years ago. FiL has been in a LT relationship for nearly 20 years. They've bought some property (he has) in both their names and it will go to her when he passes away. My friend's sibling in laws are worked up about this, but my friend and her DH are pretty chill because they know FiL can be a challenge and his partner is really caring for him as his health declines.

Correct.
There is no discussion beyond them saying "No."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure his money goes to you, now or later, and not to that woman.
The rest is just fluff, you’ll get over it! But yes I get the feeling and I am sorry. But focus on the key things.

How does one do that?

DP here
She can only do that if the Dad agrees. And, given my experience with my FIL and my own father, he probably won't agree to that.

That they would not be amenable for this discussion?

I have a friend and her MiL passed away 25 years ago. FiL has been in a LT relationship for nearly 20 years. They've bought some property (he has) in both their names and it will go to her when he passes away. My friend's sibling in laws are worked up about this, but my friend and her DH are pretty chill because they know FiL can be a challenge and his partner is really caring for him as his health declines.

Correct.
There is no discussion beyond them saying "No."

Do you think they have never had an expectation of leaving money to their children?

I don't remember where I read, maybe here, a poster indicating that she had set up money separately to go directly to the children if something were to ever happen to her (I'm not a lawyer so IDK the vehicles one uses). She basically said, "Look, I have a great marriage. But I also have heard enough in my parents' generation to know that there are enough times where a spouse dies, usually the wife, and there is a s second marriage where all - or the majority of - the assets go to the second spouse and their children. I work FT, I've contributed a lot of money to our combined wealth, and I want our children to receive 50% of it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure his money goes to you, now or later, and not to that woman.
The rest is just fluff, you’ll get over it! But yes I get the feeling and I am sorry. But focus on the key things.

How does one do that?

DP here
She can only do that if the Dad agrees. And, given my experience with my FIL and my own father, he probably won't agree to that.

That they would not be amenable for this discussion?

I have a friend and her MiL passed away 25 years ago. FiL has been in a LT relationship for nearly 20 years. They've bought some property (he has) in both their names and it will go to her when he passes away. My friend's sibling in laws are worked up about this, but my friend and her DH are pretty chill because they know FiL can be a challenge and his partner is really caring for him as his health declines.

Correct.
There is no discussion beyond them saying "No."

Do you think they have never had an expectation of leaving money to their children?

I don't remember where I read, maybe here, a poster indicating that she had set up money separately to go directly to the children if something were to ever happen to her (I'm not a lawyer so IDK the vehicles one uses). She basically said, "Look, I have a great marriage. But I also have heard enough in my parents' generation to know that there are enough times where a spouse dies, usually the wife, and there is a s second marriage where all - or the majority of - the assets go to the second spouse and their children. I work FT, I've contributed a lot of money to our combined wealth, and I want our children to receive 50% of it."

I don't know about never, but in their later years-at least for my dad, yes.
When he was growing up his parents (specifically his dad) were pretty miserly. They did pay for my Dad's college, but were very cheap with lots of other things. When my grandparents died, they left a lot of money to their kids (my dad and his siblings.)
But my dad seems bitter that his dad didn't spend money on him and his siblings when they were still alive (like never gave them money for a down payment on a house.)
His feelings now are that if his parents didn't do that for him, there's no way he's going to do anything like that for his own kids---but also he doesn't want to leave us any money either.
My mom died about a year ago and he has flat out said that he wants to get remarried so that the new wife can inherit his money so his kids won't get anything.
It's bizarre--it's not like we are spoiled ungrateful (adult) kids or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure his money goes to you, now or later, and not to that woman.
The rest is just fluff, you’ll get over it! But yes I get the feeling and I am sorry. But focus on the key things.

How does one do that?

DP here
She can only do that if the Dad agrees. And, given my experience with my FIL and my own father, he probably won't agree to that.

That they would not be amenable for this discussion?

I have a friend and her MiL passed away 25 years ago. FiL has been in a LT relationship for nearly 20 years. They've bought some property (he has) in both their names and it will go to her when he passes away. My friend's sibling in laws are worked up about this, but my friend and her DH are pretty chill because they know FiL can be a challenge and his partner is really caring for him as his health declines.

Correct.
There is no discussion beyond them saying "No."

Do you think they have never had an expectation of leaving money to their children?

I don't remember where I read, maybe here, a poster indicating that she had set up money separately to go directly to the children if something were to ever happen to her (I'm not a lawyer so IDK the vehicles one uses). She basically said, "Look, I have a great marriage. But I also have heard enough in my parents' generation to know that there are enough times where a spouse dies, usually the wife, and there is a s second marriage where all - or the majority of - the assets go to the second spouse and their children. I work FT, I've contributed a lot of money to our combined wealth, and I want our children to receive 50% of it."

I don't know about never, but in their later years-at least for my dad, yes.
When he was growing up his parents (specifically his dad) were pretty miserly. They did pay for my Dad's college, but were very cheap with lots of other things. When my grandparents died, they left a lot of money to their kids (my dad and his siblings.)
But my dad seems bitter that his dad didn't spend money on him and his siblings when they were still alive (like never gave them money for a down payment on a house.)
His feelings now are that if his parents didn't do that for him, there's no way he's going to do anything like that for his own kids---but also he doesn't want to leave us any money either.
My mom died about a year ago and he has flat out said that he wants to get remarried so that the new wife can inherit his money so his kids won't get anything.
It's bizarre--it's not like we are spoiled ungrateful (adult) kids or anything.

That's sad that he is not motivated to counter his parents' conduct. I'm sorry that this is your experience.

I don't think that caring for one's parents is necessarily transactional, yet this type of labor is completely uncompensated in our economy and can come up at great emotional, financial, and physical toll for the caregivers. Does he just assume that you all will do this w/o a second thought?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure his money goes to you, now or later, and not to that woman.
The rest is just fluff, you’ll get over it! But yes I get the feeling and I am sorry. But focus on the key things.

How does one do that?

DP here
She can only do that if the Dad agrees. And, given my experience with my FIL and my own father, he probably won't agree to that.

That they would not be amenable for this discussion?

I have a friend and her MiL passed away 25 years ago. FiL has been in a LT relationship for nearly 20 years. They've bought some property (he has) in both their names and it will go to her when he passes away. My friend's sibling in laws are worked up about this, but my friend and her DH are pretty chill because they know FiL can be a challenge and his partner is really caring for him as his health declines.

Correct.
There is no discussion beyond them saying "No."

Do you think they have never had an expectation of leaving money to their children?

I don't remember where I read, maybe here, a poster indicating that she had set up money separately to go directly to the children if something were to ever happen to her (I'm not a lawyer so IDK the vehicles one uses). She basically said, "Look, I have a great marriage. But I also have heard enough in my parents' generation to know that there are enough times where a spouse dies, usually the wife, and there is a s second marriage where all - or the majority of - the assets go to the second spouse and their children. I work FT, I've contributed a lot of money to our combined wealth, and I want our children to receive 50% of it."

I don't know about never, but in their later years-at least for my dad, yes.
When he was growing up his parents (specifically his dad) were pretty miserly. They did pay for my Dad's college, but were very cheap with lots of other things. When my grandparents died, they left a lot of money to their kids (my dad and his siblings.)
But my dad seems bitter that his dad didn't spend money on him and his siblings when they were still alive (like never gave them money for a down payment on a house.)
His feelings now are that if his parents didn't do that for him, there's no way he's going to do anything like that for his own kids---but also he doesn't want to leave us any money either.
My mom died about a year ago and he has flat out said that he wants to get remarried so that the new wife can inherit his money so his kids won't get anything.
It's bizarre--it's not like we are spoiled ungrateful (adult) kids or anything.

That's sad that he is not motivated to counter his parents' conduct. I'm sorry that this is your experience.

I don't think that caring for one's parents is necessarily transactional, yet this type of labor is completely uncompensated in our economy and can come up at great emotional, financial, and physical toll for the caregivers. Does he just assume that you all will do this w/o a second thought?

One of my siblings lives near him (they live on the west coast) and at first was doing a lot of care for him (and my mom when she was still alive.) It wasn't physical care like bathing, but things like helping them to to different assisted living facilities, helping with bill paying, driving to appointments, etc. My dad didn't appreciate it at all and even got pretty nasty with my brother (I posted here about it at the time-my dad was being influenced by a scamming caregiver.) After my mom died, my brother became a bit more hands off but still does some of the things, and does get paid out of my dad's funds (which my other sibling and I fully agree with.)

Basically my dad has dementia but not bad enough to get him declared mentally incompetent. Just enough to make really horrible decisions and we (his adult children) are powerless to stop it. For example, I posted about 18 months ago about how he was making tons of political donations and told his brother/my uncle that he didn't know how to stop. Those emails/texts you'll sometimes get from politicians soliciting donations --he truly believed the politician was reaching out to him personally and that he HAD to donate. He was making 100+ donations every single day to various politicians all over the country and in under 6 months it totaled nearly $100,000. If my uncle hadn't called my brother to let him know what was going on, my dad easily would have donated every penny he had (plus max out all his credit cards...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sorry for your loss OP, Dad did the same thing...I rarely see a man stay un-coupled after a multi-decade spouse passes away....

I don't get it. I'm a man in a long marriage with a wife with some ailments, and would not be surprised if she passes away before me. And if it happened, the last thing I would want to do is recouple. It would be the opportunity to do things that were put off for years - travel, go to museums, hike, learn a foreign language, etc. Not saying I would live like Thoreau, but not interested in having to answer to someone else. In fact, that is what I have always admired about women - they don't feel the need to be with a partner 100% of their adult life.

[Anonymous]

When my mother died it wasn't long before the single ladies either widowed or divorced were knocking on his door. If you're a 55+ single woman, a 68 year old good looking guy with money is a real target. He mentioned that it often happened but I didn't want to know the details. It's been two years and he now does have a SO who thankfully has plenty of money on her own so she is not after his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sorry for your loss OP, Dad did the same thing...I rarely see a man stay un-coupled after a multi-decade spouse passes away....

I don't get it. I'm a man in a long marriage with a wife with some ailments, and would not be surprised if she passes away before me. And if it happened, the last thing I would want to do is recouple. It would be the opportunity to do things that were put off for years - travel, go to museums, hike, learn a foreign language, etc. Not saying I would live like Thoreau, but not interested in having to answer to someone else. In fact, that is what I have always admired about women - they don't feel the need to be with a partner 100% of their adult life.

I don't get it either, I'm late 60s and a single woman and loving my life completely. I did also mostly enjoy my marriage but having someone else now to constantly be concerned with does not sound like fun to me. I have heard, however, that it's very common for men who were happily married to find someone else fairly quickly after their wife passes away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my mother died it wasn't long before the single ladies either widowed or divorced were knocking on his door. If you're a 55+ single woman, a 68 year old good looking guy with money is a real target. He mentioned that it often happened but I didn't want to know the details. It's been two years and he now does have a SO who thankfully has plenty of money on her own so she is not after his.

That doesn't mean she won't get his money if he passes first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my mother died it wasn't long before the single ladies either widowed or divorced were knocking on his door. If you're a 55+ single woman, a 68 year old good looking guy with money is a real target. He mentioned that it often happened but I didn't want to know the details. It's been two years and he now does have a SO who thankfully has plenty of money on her own so she is not after his.

Well, I am a 63-year old never-married Single Mom by Choice (DD in college) and I can say I would never be interested in a 68- year old when I was 55. What would I have in common with someone 13 tears older than me?

I've got my own money. I've no plans to be a nurse to someone older than me. Ewww.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sorry for your loss OP, Dad did the same thing...I rarely see a man stay un-coupled after a multi-decade spouse passes away....

I don't get it. I'm a man in a long marriage with a wife with some ailments, and would not be surprised if she passes away before me. And if it happened, the last thing I would want to do is recouple. It would be the opportunity to do things that were put off for years - travel, go to museums, hike, learn a foreign language, etc. Not saying I would live like Thoreau, but not interested in having to answer to someone else. In fact, that is what I have always admired about women - they don't feel the need to be with a partner 100% of their adult life.

Can’t perform anymore? If your spouse should pass, you won’t be looking to get down? Or you just don’t want a new relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, this is how most men are. And don't worry, he's doing the typical male thing and putting on a show for the new lady - once he thinks he's got her caught, he'll start disregarding her just like he did your mother.

This is how most men are.

+1

He might think he needs to do this so he won’t have to rely on his kids for what he did for wife #1, and he wants to enjoy time with her in order to draw her into a care agreement.

How is his health?

Expect that he will compensate her for this. It’s a relationship of convenience.

I’m sorry. That’s tough. Been there.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP that's really messed up. I would be soooo pissed too. I'm so sorry you're going though this. If this was me I'd flat out ask him this face to face, "Mom tried to get you to do these things and you wouldn't, why now." Looking him right in the eyes.