Elderly widower dating very soon after spouse's death

[Anonymous]

I'm the wife in a very long marriage with a now-declining husband. I doubt if I'll remarry after his death, but I can certainly see wanting to get out and have some fun after many years of caregiving.

Be grateful for your parents' long marriage, and also for your dad's ability to enjoy life now.

But +1 to PP's who mentioned keeping an eye on finances.

[Anonymous]

Take a walk with your dad and talk.
Probably he wants to impress the new woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad did the exact same thing. It is sort of ludicrous. In my case, he married the new woman a few years ago.

The reality in my case is that he and my mom were toxic and now he has toxic marriage #2. New wife has been divorced three times before. My sisters and I have pretty low contact with them.

Better ask him about his will -- toxic wife No. 2 may now be in it!

That part won’t even matter. They are using his money to “flip houses” and she will automatically inherit all the property which is jointly held in their names. She will get the vast majority of his assets. Honestly, the whole thing is totally toxic and we are not ever going to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were married for 57 years and my dad is dating someone less than 2 months after my mom died. It is nearly killing me to see this development.

My dad is a changed man and is doing things he was never interested in with this woman - going for walks, to the opera, cooking, etc. The thing that really upsets me is that my mom tried to get him to do a lot of these activities and he couldn't be bothered and now he has embraced all of this. It feels like a slap in the face to my mom and I can't take it!

Just needed to vent. I do want my dad to be happy, but this is hard to see it happen so quickly after my mom's death.

The "dating" wouldn't bother me as much as the "doing things he refused to do with my mom" part of it. I'd probably tell him that too, gently. Just so the resentment doesn't build.

My grandpa had a "lady friend" very quickly after my grandma died. It was hard but they kept each other company.

I know another lady on her 3d husband: married a long time and her DH died. Got remarried quickly and that DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer almost immediately after the wedding. Remarried with the year and still married.

Can't begrudge old folks, with limited time left on the earth, to a little companionship.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry - this must be difficult in so many ways. Alas, this is not uncommon. Men do not want to live alone and often seek to marry as soon as possible after the death of a spouse. Women take longer, sometimes cherishing their solitude and, in many instances, not remarrying.

Wishing you all the best at this difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were married for 57 years and my dad is dating someone less than 2 months after my mom died. It is nearly killing me to see this development.

My dad is a changed man and is doing things he was never interested in with this woman - going for walks, to the opera, cooking, etc. The thing that really upsets me is that my mom tried to get him to do a lot of these activities and he couldn't be bothered and now he has embraced all of this. It feels like a slap in the face to my mom and I can't take it!

Just needed to vent. I do want my dad to be happy, but this is hard to see it happen so quickly after my mom's death.

The "dating" wouldn't bother me as much as the "doing things he refused to do with my mom" part of it. I'd probably tell him that too, gently. Just so the resentment doesn't build.

My grandpa had a "lady friend" very quickly after my grandma died. It was hard but they kept each other company.

I know another lady on her 3d husband: married a long time and her DH died. Got remarried quickly and that DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer almost immediately after the wedding. Remarried with the year and still married.

Can't begrudge old folks, with limited time left on the earth, to a little companionship.

Just curious, did she inherit all of the 2nd husband's assets?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad did the exact same thing. It is sort of ludicrous. In my case, he married the new woman a few years ago.

The reality in my case is that he and my mom were toxic and now he has toxic marriage #2. New wife has been divorced three times before. My sisters and I have pretty low contact with them.

Better ask him about his will -- toxic wife No. 2 may now be in it!

That part won’t even matter. They are using his money to “flip houses” and she will automatically inherit all the property which is jointly held in their names. She will get the vast majority of his assets. Honestly, the whole thing is totally toxic and we are not ever going to fix it.

Whoa.

[Anonymous]

Yup, my dad did this too. It was helpful to frame it as “he really enjoyed being married/his relationship with my mom and is eager to get back to that”. He also had been caregiving for my mom for a long time at that point so while he was dating soon after she died he’d been without a real partner for a while

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup, my dad did this too. It was helpful to frame it as “he really enjoyed being married/his relationship with my mom and is eager to get back to that”. He also had been caregiving for my mom for a long time at that point so while he was dating soon after she died he’d been without a real partner for a while

The most charitable way of looking at it. I’m glad you could do that, PP.

[Anonymous]

what 77 year old is flipping houses? how could they have purchased multiple houses in such a short timeframe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what 77 year old is flipping houses? how could they have purchased multiple houses in such a short timeframe?

My dad has $3M or so to spend on houses. And yes, they have “flipped” them — mainly turning them into low income rentals. My dad was 70 and she was 60 when it started. My sisters and I joke that they are “shabby chic slum lords.” It is truly ridiculous and all the assets my mom earned are disappearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what 77 year old is flipping houses? how could they have purchased multiple houses in such a short timeframe?

My dad has $3M or so to spend on houses. And yes, they have “flipped” them — mainly turning them into low income rentals. My dad was 70 and she was 60 when it started. My sisters and I joke that they are “shabby chic slum lords.” It is truly ridiculous and all the assets my mom earned are disappearing.

Oh boy. Does he at all seem cognizant of this?

I do know a situation where a widow and widower (my MiL's BFF) married when in their late 30s and were together for nearly 40 years. She left the work force when they married. Come to find out, he basically left everything to his kids and she inherited pretty much nothing (the ability to live in a condo w/o the resources to afford), at least not enough to live on and one of her sons took her in. Kinda sad after she helped raise their blended family (again, she left the work force), then her husband through his protracted illness (years).

That said, that does NOT seem like the situation with your dad and he should be protecting some money for you and your siblings.

[Anonymous]

Make sure his money goes to you, now or later, and not to that woman.
The rest is just fluff, you’ll get over it! But yes I get the feeling and I am sorry. But focus on the key things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure his money goes to you, now or later, and not to that woman.
The rest is just fluff, you’ll get over it! But yes I get the feeling and I am sorry. But focus on the key things.

How does one do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure his money goes to you, now or later, and not to that woman.
The rest is just fluff, you’ll get over it! But yes I get the feeling and I am sorry. But focus on the key things.

How does one do that?

DP here
She can only do that if the Dad agrees. And, given my experience with my FIL and my own father, he probably won't agree to that.