Meal after a funeral — etiquette

[Anonymous]

Pick a local restaurant you like. I grew up in NJ and always used Italian restaurants. Call and ask to host a repast. Give a rough estimate of people you think will come. My experience is they usually do a small menu of choices for guests. At the graveside the funeral director will announce the repast location before the final placing of flowers. The restaurant will do a headcount and handle over and under counts fine.

[Anonymous]

After my dad died, we invited everyone for lunch. It was a buffet at nice Italian restaurant that had a set “funeral lunch”menu. The one thing we did not work out in advance was the bar - surprised how many mourners grabbed a drink mid-day! Interestingly, the lunch gathering comforted me and my siblings in a different way than the Mass and burial - a chance to chat and reminisce with those who loved my father. It doesn’t matter the menu -people will appreciate being together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my MIL's funeral, they had a specific number of printed tickets. At the burial, they handed out the tickets to the people they wanted to invite to the repast. They had it at a local restaurant, and everyone was able to order what they wanted from the menu.

That was beyond rude. People took time from their lives to attend and show respect for your MIL and you insulted them! You needn't be concerned about anyone attending your funeral.

I did no such thing. My ex and I were separated at the time and I was not involved in any of the planning. As a matter of fact, my ex brought his AP so while I attended the funeral and the burial, I chose not to attend the repast (yes, i was given a ticket). I'm just telling the OP how it was handled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother passed away last week. In her will she specifies her wishes as far as cremation and what to do with her ashes, and that money from her estate be used to fly in certain relatives, funeral expenses, and for a meal after her funeral.

I am the only local family member who is an adult and am not able to host at my home, and it doesn’t seem that her church does this, so U am thinking of inviting people to her favorite restaurant.

But I need a headcount. How do you decide who to invite? Do you ask people to RSVP? Anyone done this?

I can’t just stand up and say “everyone who wants to come over” because I need a number.

I went to a memorial service for a close friend’s mother and they asked people to let them know if they would be joining the family for lunch at a restaurant afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my MIL's funeral, they had a specific number of printed tickets. At the burial, they handed out the tickets to the people they wanted to invite to the repast. They had it at a local restaurant, and everyone was able to order what they wanted from the menu.

That was beyond rude. People took time from their lives to attend and show respect for your MIL and you insulted them! You needn't be concerned about anyone attending your funeral.

I did no such thing. My ex and I were separated at the time and I was not involved in any of the planning. As a matter of fact, my ex brought his AP so while I attended the funeral and the burial, I chose not to attend the repast (yes, i was given a ticket). I'm just telling the OP how it was handled.

You were rude and you have no manners. Your petty problems with your ex and his AP do not trump showing respect for the deceased.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on how many people you might be expecting. 20 or 100? (if your mom was elderly and not very involved in activities or church, the number might be quite small and thus a seated meal would work. Otherwise, go with the buffet. It allows a lot more flexibility.)
I'd use a restaurant recommended by the funeral home unless your mom's favorite restaurant handles large events all the time and is close to the funeral location. No one is expecting the best meal of their lives at the repast--logistically easy is the way to go.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother passed away last week. In her will she specifies her wishes as far as cremation and what to do with her ashes, and that money from her estate be used to fly in certain relatives, funeral expenses, and for a meal after her funeral.

I am the only local family member who is an adult and am not able to host at my home, and it doesn’t seem that her church does this, so U am thinking of inviting people to her favorite restaurant.

But I need a headcount. How do you decide who to invite? Do you ask people to RSVP? Anyone done this?

I can’t just stand up and say “everyone who wants to come over” because I need a number.

My condolences on your loss. I was recently in the same position for my father-in-law. We held a fairly private funeral (though they are never truly "private" of about 40 people. The repast was at a local Irish bar/restaurant, and it was a buffet. There was no room rental fee, and we just paid for what people ate, and they brought out more trays of food as needed. Plus an open bar. It was really nice, though not fancy. We handed out programs at the ceremony with details of where to go for lunch afterwards.

In my hometown, funerals were more of an all-comers event, with the entire parish showing up. But the repast was potluck in the church basement, and everyone just seemed to "know" that they should bring a dish to share. Lots of hotdish and jello molds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother passed away last week. In her will she specifies her wishes as far as cremation and what to do with her ashes, and that money from her estate be used to fly in certain relatives, funeral expenses, and for a meal after her funeral.

I am the only local family member who is an adult and am not able to host at my home, and it doesn’t seem that her church does this, so U am thinking of inviting people to her favorite restaurant.

But I need a headcount. How do you decide who to invite? Do you ask people to RSVP? Anyone done this?

I can’t just stand up and say “everyone who wants to come over” because I need a number.

My condolences on your loss. I was recently in the same position for my father-in-law. We held a fairly private funeral (though they are never truly "private") of about 40 people. The repast was at a local Irish bar/restaurant, and it was a buffet. There was no room rental fee, and we just paid for what people ate, and they brought out more trays of food as needed. Plus an open bar. It was really nice, though not fancy. We handed out programs at the ceremony with details of where to go for lunch afterwards.

In my hometown, funerals were more of an all-comers event, with the entire parish showing up. But the repast was potluck in the church basement, and everyone just seemed to "know" that they should bring a dish to share. Lots of hotdish and jello molds.

Also we had many elderly guests. The guests who were more mobile got plates/drinks for those with walkers and wheelchairs, so the buffet wasn't a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my MIL's funeral, they had a specific number of printed tickets. At the burial, they handed out the tickets to the people they wanted to invite to the repast. They had it at a local restaurant, and everyone was able to order what they wanted from the menu.

That was beyond rude. People took time from their lives to attend and show respect for your MIL and you insulted them! You needn't be concerned about anyone attending your funeral.

I did no such thing. My ex and I were separated at the time and I was not involved in any of the planning. As a matter of fact, my ex brought his AP so while I attended the funeral and the burial, I chose not to attend the repast (yes, i was given a ticket). I'm just telling the OP how it was handled.

You were rude and you have no manners. Your petty problems with your ex and his AP do not trump showing respect for the deceased.

I think she is saying she wasn't the one who planned a ticketed event, but that she merely attended such an event. But I agree, handing out tickets to some guests but not others is beyond rude. There is no way around it - a repast is required, and everyone who attends the funeral must be invited. It can be a simple meal (or less) at someone's house, but it has to be offered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother passed away last week. In her will she specifies her wishes as far as cremation and what to do with her ashes, and that money from her estate be used to fly in certain relatives, funeral expenses, and for a meal after her funeral.

I am the only local family member who is an adult and am not able to host at my home, and it doesn’t seem that her church does this, so U am thinking of inviting people to her favorite restaurant.

But I need a headcount. How do you decide who to invite? Do you ask people to RSVP? Anyone done this?

I can’t just stand up and say “everyone who wants to come over” because I need a number.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Are you sure this church doesn’t have a fellowship hall or cafeteria?

[Anonymous]

We just did this for MIL's funeral. The funeral home had a nice reception hall and a caterer they worked with, so we did both the service and the lunch at the funeral home. It was quite nice. We did a buffet but a seated meal was an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my MIL's funeral, they had a specific number of printed tickets. At the burial, they handed out the tickets to the people they wanted to invite to the repast. They had it at a local restaurant, and everyone was able to order what they wanted from the menu.

That was beyond rude. People took time from their lives to attend and show respect for your MIL and you insulted them! You needn't be concerned about anyone attending your funeral.

I did no such thing. My ex and I were separated at the time and I was not involved in any of the planning. As a matter of fact, my ex brought his AP so while I attended the funeral and the burial, I chose not to attend the repast (yes, i was given a ticket). I'm just telling the OP how it was handled.

You were rude and you have no manners. Your petty problems with your ex and his AP do not trump showing respect for the deceased.

How did I not show respect to the deceased? Because I didn't participate in the planning of the services? I helped my SIL with the program and the music selection, I attended the celebration of life held here where she lived, and I attended the viewing, church service, and burial in the state she was from. But sure, go off you big bad internet bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 to buffet with maybe a private or semi-private area of the restaurant. We’ve done this a few times. Amphora’s Diner in Herndon let us have a section of the place with a buffet set up, as did an Irish pub in Arlington (which I think is no longer open). Neither were an issue for any of the older people in attendance. We invited all close friends and family ahead of time, but knew some would only stop by or weren’t sure about their plans.

+2,
No RSVPs, ball park number for restaurant, family emailed ahead of time, then let any attendees know at funeral.
Chose restaurant near cemetery just for logistics (esp with elderly). Nice meal with no clean up.