Meal after a funeral — etiquette

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Many of the people coming will be elderly and I feel as though buffets are hard with walkers and wheelchairs and such. That's why I was thinking of a seated meal.

Is it awkward to say, we're gathering for a meal afterwards, but we need a headcount so if you'd like to come please RSVP by X date? Then not say anything at the service itself?

In my experience a seated meal and required RSVP would be a little strange. We have been to post funeral events at restaurants that are more buffet style in a private room or section of a restaurant. People also want to come and go from these types of event so a seated meal might discourage people.

[Anonymous]

My mom was 94, many old people. We did heavy hors d’oeuvres.

I guessed and told the restaurant I might need to add to it if more arrived.

I used Stanford grill and they were very helpful. There was a private section

Many restaurants were not helpful.

[Anonymous]

My MIL just did this for my FIL at a restaurant they frequented, which did a limited menu of seated lunch choices in a separate room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Many of the people coming will be elderly and I feel as though buffets are hard with walkers and wheelchairs and such. That's why I was thinking of a seated meal.

Is it awkward to say, we're gathering for a meal afterwards, but we need a headcount so if you'd like to come please RSVP by X date? Then not say anything at the service itself?

That's fine.

[Anonymous]

Restaurants are very used to this. Call and tell them you need info for a funeral reception. They'll ask for a rough number and take it from there.

[Anonymous]

+1 to buffet with maybe a private or semi-private area of the restaurant. We’ve done this a few times. Amphora’s Diner in Herndon let us have a section of the place with a buffet set up, as did an Irish pub in Arlington (which I think is no longer open). Neither were an issue for any of the older people in attendance. We invited all close friends and family ahead of time, but knew some would only stop by or weren’t sure about their plans.

[Anonymous]

The nicest post funeral event that I've been to was held in a very large room at a country club. Heavy appetizers (not that many people ate) and wine.

[Anonymous]

I would double check to see if the church has a meeting room or fellowship hall. This cannot be the first time anyone has asked to use it (weddings, special events, baby showers, meetings) unless it is a brand new church. The church should have a coordinator, someone whose job is to help with this. Ask whomever you are coordinating the service. They probably just provide you with the room, but you can ask for tables, chairs, access to the kitchen. Ask them about caterers.

Typically you put in the bulletin/program (and it might even be announced by the minister at the end of the ceremony) that the family invites guest to lunch after the service. My father died a few years ago, and we got a sponsor from the country club and had a room and food there because it was across the street from the church. Often times you just need a sponsor if you aren't a member, and then you pay the bill. Super easy.

[Anonymous]

At my MIL's funeral, they had a specific number of printed tickets. At the burial, they handed out the tickets to the people they wanted to invite to the repast. They had it at a local restaurant, and everyone was able to order what they wanted from the menu.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At my MIL's funeral, they had a specific number of printed tickets. At the burial, they handed out the tickets to the people they wanted to invite to the repast. They had it at a local restaurant, and everyone was able to order what they wanted from the menu.

That was beyond rude. People took time from their lives to attend and show respect for your MIL and you insulted them! You needn't be concerned about anyone attending your funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Many of the people coming will be elderly and I feel as though buffets are hard with walkers and wheelchairs and such. That's why I was thinking of a seated meal.

Is it awkward to say, we're gathering for a meal afterwards, but we need a headcount so if you'd like to come please RSVP by X date? Then not say anything at the service itself?

You are over thinking it. Wheel chairs and walkers will not be an issue. Others that are there can help to get the food to them if needed.

This. Have them do a buffet. People will help others out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The nicest post funeral event that I've been to was held in a very large room at a country club. Heavy appetizers (not that many people ate) and wine.

My aunt stipulated it be at her favorite home in the wall bar. they put on a great buffet and all the staff knew her and many family members. It was a great event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I asked the church to use their multi purpose room. I had catering deliver. Then I hired someone from task rabbit to meet the caterer and do the set up since I was at the funeral.

There's no good way to get a head count. I just had to ballpark it. I ended up with way too much food. Luckily, one of the guests was a regular volunteer at a shelter and she took the food there for the evening.

This is so smart, truly technology done right. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

OP generally old people like to be fed after a funeral. They do this all the time now and look forward to the food and company after.

Buffet is completely fine. Extra food is fine. I am sure your mother would be very happy with you doing this in her honor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The nicest post funeral event that I've been to was held in a very large room at a country club. Heavy appetizers (not that many people ate) and wine.

My aunt stipulated it be at her favorite home in the wall bar. they put on a great buffet and all the staff knew her and many family members. It was a great event.

That’s lovely. I bet your aunt was a lot of fun.