Meal after a funeral — etiquette

[Anonymous]

My mother passed away last week. In her will she specifies her wishes as far as cremation and what to do with her ashes, and that money from her estate be used to fly in certain relatives, funeral expenses, and for a meal after her funeral.

I am the only local family member who is an adult and am not able to host at my home, and it doesn’t seem that her church does this, so U am thinking of inviting people to her favorite restaurant.

But I need a headcount. How do you decide who to invite? Do you ask people to RSVP? Anyone done this?

I can’t just stand up and say “everyone who wants to come over” because I need a number.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss. Can you reserve a private room at a restaurant and set it up banquet style? Or if the church doesn’t host do they at least have a multi purpose room that you could use and have catering come in?

Maybe you have local friends who instead of attending the funeral to pay their respects could do so by getting the luncheon set up for you?

[Anonymous]

I asked the church to use their multi purpose room. I had catering deliver. Then I hired someone from task rabbit to meet the caterer and do the set up since I was at the funeral.

There's no good way to get a head count. I just had to ballpark it. I ended up with way too much food. Luckily, one of the guests was a regular volunteer at a shelter and she took the food there for the evening.

[Anonymous]

I hosted a luncheon for family and friends after my dad died. I actually really regret doing it. It was across the country for me and my aunt actually complained about my food choices. No one helped or said thank you. Not worth it! When my mom dies, not even calling them.

[Anonymous]

We found that people sort of self select. Lots of people at the funeral, fewer at the cemetery, lunch was the family and close long time friends. We also used the church social hall and a local caterer..banquet style. Make a list of those you are pretty sure will attend and then up it a bit.

[Anonymous]

Since the church isn’t available, a restaurant sounds great.

I’d rent out a room at a restaurant and do it buffet style. Text or email relatives and close friends (people who are likely to attend) and try to get an approximate headcount. I say that because it’s hard to know who will be bringing spouses, kids or grown adult children etc (particularly for those who need to travel to the funeral) IME, and could really throw off the numbers. Then add another 10-20% as cushion?

If you can outsource the above at all (especially for extended family) that could be really helpful. Is there a family member who is an organizer type and has everyone’s info and would make a good “point person”? It would be a help.

[Anonymous]

Yes get a room at a restaurant and tell people that you are hosting a meal afterwards and if they could let you know if they plan to attend, you’d much appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

Many of the people coming will be elderly and I feel as though buffets are hard with walkers and wheelchairs and such. That's why I was thinking of a seated meal.

Is it awkward to say, we're gathering for a meal afterwards, but we need a headcount so if you'd like to come please RSVP by X date? Then not say anything at the service itself?

[Anonymous]

It’s called a repast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother passed away last week. In her will she specifies her wishes as far as cremation and what to do with her ashes, and that money from her estate be used to fly in certain relatives, funeral expenses, and for a meal after her funeral.

I am the only local family member who is an adult and am not able to host at my home, and it doesn’t seem that her church does this, so U am thinking of inviting people to her favorite restaurant.

But I need a headcount. How do you decide who to invite? Do you ask people to RSVP? Anyone done this?

I can’t just stand up and say “everyone who wants to come over” because I need a number.

You make it a buffet and the count is everyone who attends funeral. Call the restaurant manager who will work with you. I had the same situation several years ago and it went very well.

I wish you peace and comfort and peace to your mother's spirit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Many of the people coming will be elderly and I feel as though buffets are hard with walkers and wheelchairs and such. That's why I was thinking of a seated meal.

Is it awkward to say, we're gathering for a meal afterwards, but we need a headcount so if you'd like to come please RSVP by X date? Then not say anything at the service itself?

You are over thinking it. Wheel chairs and walkers will not be an issue. Others that are there can help to get the food to them if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Many of the people coming will be elderly and I feel as though buffets are hard with walkers and wheelchairs and such. That's why I was thinking of a seated meal.

Is it awkward to say, we're gathering for a meal afterwards, but we need a headcount so if you'd like to come please RSVP by X date? Then not say anything at the service itself?

Walkers and wheelchairs can be worked around: have someone help them plate food.

It's an easier option than trying to get a headcount and then have more people show up.

[Anonymous]

In my area, not DC, there is a place that is loosely associated with each church. You tell them how many people will likely be at funeral and they take it from there. Its a nice enough meal and they just crank out daily, without making it seem that way. Any chance you can ask secretary at the church or the guy at the funeral home? So sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my area, not DC, there is a place that is loosely associated with each church. You tell them how many people will likely be at funeral and they take it from there. Its a nice enough meal and they just crank out daily, without making it seem that way. Any chance you can ask secretary at the church or the guy at the funeral home? So sorry.

I'm remembering now that the funeral guy calls ahead from the funeral with a head count in the pews. They must have a ratio they rely on.

[Anonymous]

When my father passed away last year I asked the Funeral Home director to help me solve this problem. He made a bunch of calls and gave me 3 options. We ended up going to the local country club (the Funeral Director was a member and sponsored us so we could use the facility) We had to give an estimate on head count.