Basic manners

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At what point in an adult child's life is it no longer appropriate as their parent to attempt to help them with manners or social constructs?

20s - I could see especially new in their careers
30s - maybe
40s - lost cause?
50s - we've failed as parents?

Fwiw adult child hasn't been diagnosed with a learning disability or mental health disorder but they are just not acting within social norms for manners. I'm assuming lost cause at this point and not worth the energy or possible lost relationship but it's definitely embarrassing.

Rationally - once they are 18 but as a parent, you can always try to help. People can be marked as lost causes by everyone else but never by their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, to answer questions. They are fully financially dependent on us as they work for the family business.

I'm not a Martha Post kind of person, but the examples are:

Married with kids and will only attend events that are fully paid by us or other family members. They never offer to pay and never say thank you. Other family members will no longer invite them to events as a result.

They speak loudly about money all the time. So much so that family members also are fully aware that they cannot be trusted when it comes to matters of inheritance.

They don't give small courtesy to others. Whether it's answering a simple question or giving people notice of something they have to plan for they just don't.

They cut people off very quickly without provocation. Just one day they are no longer speaking to BIL that lives behind them (been going on 2+ years now).

In other words, it's just total lack of generosity in life. It's always about what they can get out of someone. Now that I wrote it out it sounds like just a total lack of desire to reciprocate relationships and just a very taker kind of attitude.

Let them go and live on their own to learn how to deal with other humans.

[Anonymous]

I don't see how one can teach another adult empathy and kindness. You can try as children but even then tgere is no guarantee, nature is more powerful than nurture.

That being said, may be enmeshed family circumstances where people work with each other and live next doors is worsening this situation.

[Anonymous]

* and this is not a matter of manners but of character.

[Anonymous]

as far as manners go, slurping your soup bowl is perfectly fine unless you are duke of Edinburgh but slurping from someone else's bowl is bad manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just watching Love is Blind yesterday and a man who thought he was old enough to get married at age 30, yet at a restaurant picked up a bowl of soup and slurped it all into his mouth. His "fiancee" should RUN. If he doesn't know basic table manners by age 30, there's no hope for this idiot.

Is it his fault that no one taught him that?

It is definitely something that can be learned. You sound like you were raised in a bubble and are very judgemental about people who did not have your advantages (meaning etiquette lessons, not money in this instance).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, to answer questions. They are fully financially dependent on us as they work for the family business.

I'm not a Martha Post kind of person, but the examples are:

Married with kids and will only attend events that are fully paid by us or other family members. They never offer to pay and never say thank you. Other family members will no longer invite them to events as a result.

They speak loudly about money all the time. So much so that family members also are fully aware that they cannot be trusted when it comes to matters of inheritance.

They don't give small courtesy to others. Whether it's answering a simple question or giving people notice of something they have to plan for they just don't.

They cut people off very quickly without provocation. Just one day they are no longer speaking to BIL that lives behind them (been going on 2+ years now).

That is the problem of working for the family business. They've been coasting, never had to work with other people in a position where their value to the organization is judged nor felt the need to be with a team player or leader. They are in a special category where they can get away with behaving badly without consequence.

In other words, it's just total lack of generosity in life. It's always about what they can get out of someone. Now that I wrote it out it sounds like just a total lack of desire to reciprocate relationships and just a very taker kind of attitude.

This isn’t manners. It’s character. And TBH he sounds like an a$$
Any didn’t you course correct it when he was 17? Short of a massive life changing event, I doubt he will change his ways which have been condoned - by you and your family - for a long long time.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he lacks emotional intelligence, and may even be on the spectrum. I would not describe this is a manners issue.

It is possible to get coaching on emotional intelligence (obviously if the person is open to it). In the workplace (large corporation), emotional intelligence is almost more important than competence, in my person opinion.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a relationship between the two of you. The two of you only. If something they say to you is rude, something specific, tell them that you think what they said was rude. Say that being rude will hurt the relationship between you. If you would say that to a friend, say it to your adult children. You don't need to accept rude, from anyone. Family do not get a pass.

You have an adult relationship with them, like any other adult

[Anonymous]

she had more important things to spend her influence on. And I (and she) seem to feel me and my sisters turned out well

PP you seem like a lovely person, but I'd like to ask ... and I ask sincerely. Would you mind, if at this stage in your life, your Mother corrected your grammar? Is that offensive or helpful? What do other posters think? Is the phrasing above so common now that it's accepted and not judged?