Eldercare, sadness and money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws were buried for free at Quantico Cemetary in Virginia because FIL was a vet. It included outdoor shelter for the service, headstone, burial fee, gun salute. It was very nice and no cost to the family.

Check into VA death benefits.

He must have been a higher ranking officer to receive a gun salute. VA covers a lot so this is his best bet.

[Anonymous]

OP and her DH will end up paying for everything and then resent the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am feeling very overwhelmed. My dh's grandma died a month ago and now his grandpa died. Everyone on dh's side is entirely broke. Dh's grandma had saved for her funeral expenses, that was used up. Now there is no more money. My in-laws can barely afford the cost of going to the funeral out of state. Dh's grandpa does not have a plot bc they sold that plot since he is a veteran and they figured he can be buried through the VA (I don't know how much cheaper that is). I am sort of in a panic about it all, we can help with these costs, but what next? My in-laws are not old yet, and will need so many costs covered as well moving forward, just as our kids are going to go to college. We have saved but we are not rich. I guess I am just venting and wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation.

Funeral expenses will figure themselves out, you keep your money as DH's parents will need help with healthcare, which is more important than stashing a deadbody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs both live off of social security and the choices they made as adults. It is not my job as their IL or offspring to inflate their lifestyle to their current desires.

No more than it was their responsibility to pay for college or every financial setback that you and your spouse have weathered.

Rinse, wash, repeat.

So wdyd if the choice is homelessness? Because most people can't live on just social security.

No, most people can’t live exactly where or how they would like to live on social security alone but it is certainly still a viable option as evidenced by the fact that millions of people successfully do so each year.

It may require significantly downsizing relocating to a low COL/less desirable area and/or applying for income based government assistance, but there are almost always alternatives to homelessness that don’t require adult children/extended family members to sacrifice their own financial futures.

I understand that as a rational person who makes good, sound choices. I have done that for housing myself, as many people do. The issue is really with people who put themselves in that situation in the first place: They don't make good choices, they don't relocate, they refuse to hear about relocation.

[Anonymous]

It is morbid, but plan ahead and price shop burial services. It is a racket just like anything else.

If you can do cremation, search for "direct cremation." It's the best and cheapest option.

For military, there is also an option to be buried at sea, but I'm not sure how that works. At the VA cemeteries (at least at Arlington Cemetery) there is no cost, but there can be long wait times/restrictions on who can be buried there.

Some cheaper local places:
VA: https://novacremate.com
MD: https://www.marylandcremationservices.com

[Anonymous]

cremation society should be less than funeral home.

Another option growing in popularity is natural burial. I've googled a couple places in virginia. about 5-6k to be buried in a nice shroud and plant a tree at the site. most environmentally neutral choice.

many people hve small insurance policies that pay funeral costs. some through work. your in laws should examine all those options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.

Having lived this for the past twenty years with my poor, hapless in-laws, I wish someone had given DH and me the advice above. In retrospect, I would say your moral obligation is to your own family and building financial stability for your future so your kids aren't faced with the same problem. If you own a home, have your kid's college accounts funded and your retirement on its way, then at that point you can think in terms of viewing your in-laws as your charity. But you are NOT obligated to bankrupt or otherwise set yourself way back financially in order to bail them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.

Having lived this for the past twenty years with my poor, hapless in-laws, I wish someone had given DH and me the advice above. In retrospect, I would say your moral obligation is to your own family and building financial stability for your future so your kids aren't faced with the same problem. If you own a home, have your kid's college accounts funded and your retirement on its way, then at that point you can think in terms of viewing your in-laws as your charity. But you are NOT obligated to bankrupt or otherwise set yourself way back financially in order to bail them out.

How do you let go of the guilt in all this though, if they beg for money?

[Anonymous]

Awhile back my cousin had a baby who died in infancy. My mom bought a dress for the baby to be buried in because her parents (and grandparents) said they couldn't afford to buy her a new outfit. It was so sad (obviously the baby's death was sad enough, but not even being able to afford decent clothes for burial was also sad).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.

Having lived this for the past twenty years with my poor, hapless in-laws, I wish someone had given DH and me the advice above. In retrospect, I would say your moral obligation is to your own family and building financial stability for your future so your kids aren't faced with the same problem. If you own a home, have your kid's college accounts funded and your retirement on its way, then at that point you can think in terms of viewing your in-laws as your charity. But you are NOT obligated to bankrupt or otherwise set yourself way back financially in order to bail them out.

How do you let go of the guilt in all this though, if they beg for money?

Tell them you have to use your money on your own family and kids and that you feel for them. Maybe try and help them connect with programs for low income people. We helped my inlaws find subsidized senior housing and got them on SNAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs both live off of social security and the choices they made as adults. It is not my job as their IL or offspring to inflate their lifestyle to their current desires.

No more than it was their responsibility to pay for college or every financial setback that you and your spouse have weathered.

Rinse, wash, repeat.

So wdyd if the choice is homelessness? Because most people can't live on just social security.

No, most people can’t live exactly where or how they would like to live on social security alone but it is certainly still a viable option as evidenced by the fact that millions of people successfully do so each year.

It may require significantly downsizing relocating to a low COL/less desirable area and/or applying for income based government assistance, but there are almost always alternatives to homelessness that don’t require adult children/extended family members to sacrifice their own financial futures.

I understand that as a rational person who makes good, sound choices. I have done that for housing myself, as many people do. The issue is really with people who put themselves in that situation in the first place: They don't make good choices, they don't relocate, they refuse to hear about relocation.

But if these people do in fact eventually run out of money and their children/extended family stay strong and refuse to subsidize their poor planning, chances are they will ultimately accept relocation to a subsidized studio apartment that can be covered by social security over homelessness.

[Anonymous]

My mom died last year in CA. She died at home and we had selected the funeral home which picked her up the following morning and cremated her. Hospice had helped line up some of the paperwork ahead of time so there was less to do. I was surprised that the cremation was only a bit over $1000. We had her service at her church which was free although we made a direct monetary gift to the pastor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.

Having lived this for the past twenty years with my poor, hapless in-laws, I wish someone had given DH and me the advice above. In retrospect, I would say your moral obligation is to your own family and building financial stability for your future so your kids aren't faced with the same problem. If you own a home, have your kid's college accounts funded and your retirement on its way, then at that point you can think in terms of viewing your in-laws as your charity. But you are NOT obligated to bankrupt or otherwise set yourself way back financially in order to bail them out.

How do you let go of the guilt in all this though, if they beg for money?

You and your husband need to be a united front.

His parents are YOUNG old people. They can still work, even? Why aren't THEY the ones feeling guilty about being broke and possibly needing to beg family for help?

If they want help, the time for it is NOW. You have tried to help them make plans. Keep being very clear. You are just getting by yourself. Don't tell them how much you are able to save or what plans you are making for your kids' college and your own retirement. You have NO extra money for them, but what you do have is TIME to help them research how to help themselves.

They need to have a plan and to know that that plan is NOT you!

Every time they insist it will all work out? That's how you let go of the guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They go on welfare like everyone else who didn’t plan for their future.

Yea but what does plan for your future mean? My mom is in assisted living and has 5 years of nursing home covered by her insurance. She is 88. Her nursing home just posted a picture of a guy in the home turning 107! Did his family pay for twenty years of assisted living at 90j a year? That’s insane! No one can plan for that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.

Having lived this for the past twenty years with my poor, hapless in-laws, I wish someone had given DH and me the advice above. In retrospect, I would say your moral obligation is to your own family and building financial stability for your future so your kids aren't faced with the same problem. If you own a home, have your kid's college accounts funded and your retirement on its way, then at that point you can think in terms of viewing your in-laws as your charity. But you are NOT obligated to bankrupt or otherwise set yourself way back financially in order to bail them out.

How do you let go of the guilt in all this though, if they beg for money?

You give your time to help them access government services. That is already a giant effort on your part. Why on earth would you feel guilty?

Right now on DCUM there are several threads going about how adult children either feel guilty, or are made to feel guilty, for not taking more care of their parents.

Is this for real, or is it just one person with a fixation?

Surely you've reached the age where you can identify BS and learned to say no, deflect, redirect, etc? You do not owe these people anything. Your duty is to yourself and your children, to ensure you are not a burden on anyone, and your kids are started off into the world well-prepared.