Eldercare, sadness and money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you need to have a funeral home funeral?

3 of my grandparents had funerals at churches. Those were really memorial services. And they were scheduled a while after the deaths in order to facilitate family participation at low cost.

My family only does cremation. And no open casket/viewings.

I believe this would save a lot of money.

I am PP whose father died and suddenly found myself navigating the cremation alone (my mother and siblings said they couldn’t do it). i didn’t know about cremation societies at the time and the hospital was putting crazy pressure on my mother like 5 min after my father had died to name what funeral home was coming to pick up his body. My father died suddenly and tragically so no one was expecting it and everyone was in shock so my mother just named a random place she knew and that’s how we got stuck with the funeral home. You can transfer a body to another place after that but it will cost$$$$$.

We went with cremation, the cheapest “casket” (because the body is put in a wooden casket for the cremation and didn’t have a service or viewing for the public at the funeral home. What was required were: fees for transportation and storage, preparation of body (they put clothes on them), a private viewing/ID once they’ve been redressed and in clothes so you confirm that’s who it should be, getting a death certificate and only then can they do the cremation, and then an urn. Took 10 days for us. Total was around $8,000. I have since been told if you have a cremation society involved from the very beginning it can be less than half.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you need to have a funeral home funeral?

3 of my grandparents had funerals at churches. Those were really memorial services. And they were scheduled a while after the deaths in order to facilitate family participation at low cost.

My family only does cremation. And no open casket/viewings.

I believe this would save a lot of money.

I am PP whose father died and suddenly found myself navigating the cremation alone (my mother and siblings said they couldn’t do it). i didn’t know about cremation societies at the time and the hospital was putting crazy pressure on my mother like 5 min after my father had died to name what funeral home was coming to pick up his body. My father died suddenly and tragically so no one was expecting it and everyone was in shock so my mother just named a random place she knew and that’s how we got stuck with the funeral home. You can transfer a body to another place after that but it will cost$$$$$.

We went with cremation, the cheapest “casket” (because the body is put in a wooden casket for the cremation and didn’t have a service or viewing for the public at the funeral home. What was required were: fees for transportation and storage, preparation of body (they put clothes on them), a private viewing/ID once they’ve been redressed and in clothes so you confirm that’s who it should be, getting a death certificate and only then can they do the cremation, and then an urn. Took 10 days for us. Total was around $8,000. I have since been told if you have a cremation society involved from the very beginning it can be less than half.

My MIL was just cremated through a funeral home. There was no casket or clothes or private viewing. Maybe because she died at home so there was no question who it was?

[Anonymous]

My ILs both live off of social security and the choices they made as adults. It is not my job as their IL or offspring to inflate their lifestyle to their current desires.

No more than it was their responsibility to pay for college or every financial setback that you and your spouse have weathered.

Rinse, wash, repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs both live off of social security and the choices they made as adults. It is not my job as their IL or offspring to inflate their lifestyle to their current desires.

No more than it was their responsibility to pay for college or every financial setback that you and your spouse have weathered.

Rinse, wash, repeat.

So wdyd if the choice is homelessness? Because most people can't live on just social security.

[Anonymous]

Obviously, cover the funeral expenses if they really managed to spend everything to 0 just before dying, but that sounds suspicious. And that should fall on the deceased’s children, not grandchildren.

With that said, I would chip in if I was asked to in this situation but not cover everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs both live off of social security and the choices they made as adults. It is not my job as their IL or offspring to inflate their lifestyle to their current desires.

No more than it was their responsibility to pay for college or every financial setback that you and your spouse have weathered.

Rinse, wash, repeat.

So wdyd if the choice is homelessness? Because most people can't live on just social security.

If you can’t budget, not your adult offspring’s problem. You are an adult, right? Grow up and budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs both live off of social security and the choices they made as adults. It is not my job as their IL or offspring to inflate their lifestyle to their current desires.

No more than it was their responsibility to pay for college or every financial setback that you and your spouse have weathered.

Rinse, wash, repeat.

So wdyd if the choice is homelessness? Because most people can't live on just social security.

If you can’t budget, not your adult offspring’s problem. You are an adult, right? Grow up and budget.

I have a plan A, B, C and D to NEVER do this to my kids. I am asking as the adult child of people who might be in that predicament one day. Do you really watch your parents become homeless? It's a lot easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously, cover the funeral expenses if they really managed to spend everything to 0 just before dying, but that sounds suspicious. And that should fall on the deceased’s children, not grandchildren.

With that said, I would chip in if I was asked to in this situation but not cover everything.

They have just a few hundreds left. It was around 11k. The children are both broke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.

Have you been through this personally?

PP you replied to. You decide: my MIL has just enough money to pay for aides in her terminal Parkinson's period. The state provides in-home services as well. Other relatives have relied solely on state services.

I'm giving tough love to OP, to snap her out of her hand-wringing, which is hurting her and not helping. It's not because I lack sympathy for all the elders who find themselves lacking resources, or all the adult kids who watch their parent struggle. But at some point, you've got to make do with what's available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you need to have a funeral home funeral?

3 of my grandparents had funerals at churches. Those were really memorial services. And they were scheduled a while after the deaths in order to facilitate family participation at low cost.

My family only does cremation. And no open casket/viewings.

I believe this would save a lot of money.

This is a Jewish funeral so cannot be scheduled later. Cremation is a no. It will be just graveside and the simplest coffin possible. It is still expensive.

Our family is Reform and cremation is accepted now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs both live off of social security and the choices they made as adults. It is not my job as their IL or offspring to inflate their lifestyle to their current desires.

No more than it was their responsibility to pay for college or every financial setback that you and your spouse have weathered.

Rinse, wash, repeat.

So wdyd if the choice is homelessness? Because most people can't live on just social security.

NP. They need to apply for senior housing. It's based on income. There are usually waitlists. But that's what people who just have SS do.

[Anonymous]

It would seem like this is your ILs parents to solve, not yours, since this is DH's grandparent. If you place yourselves in the position of the family bank, people will keep making withdrawals. Your ILs need to step up, finally, now that their parents are gone. Let them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you need to have a funeral home funeral?

3 of my grandparents had funerals at churches. Those were really memorial services. And they were scheduled a while after the deaths in order to facilitate family participation at low cost.

My family only does cremation. And no open casket/viewings.

I believe this would save a lot of money.

This is a Jewish funeral so cannot be scheduled later. Cremation is a no. It will be just graveside and the simplest coffin possible. It is still expensive.

Our family is Reform and cremation is accepted now.

We are Conservative. I personally don't care what happens to me post death, but fil just buried his mom and certainly would never be okay cremating his dad.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws were buried for free at Quantico Cemetary in Virginia because FIL was a vet. It included outdoor shelter for the service, headstone, burial fee, gun salute. It was very nice and no cost to the family.

Check into VA death benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs both live off of social security and the choices they made as adults. It is not my job as their IL or offspring to inflate their lifestyle to their current desires.

No more than it was their responsibility to pay for college or every financial setback that you and your spouse have weathered.

Rinse, wash, repeat.

So wdyd if the choice is homelessness? Because most people can't live on just social security.

No, most people can’t live exactly where or how they would like to live on social security alone but it is certainly still a viable option as evidenced by the fact that millions of people successfully do so each year.

It may require significantly downsizing relocating to a low COL/less desirable area and/or applying for income based government assistance, but there are almost always alternatives to homelessness that don’t require adult children/extended family members to sacrifice their own financial futures.