How long is the honeymoon period of 3 generation household?

[Anonymous]

In my family, it’s over in about 20 minutes of a visit on their turf when the one with behavioral difficulties and cognitive decline/hearing loss is having a good day.

Glad to hear that actually living under the same roof is working for more functional families like yours. I hope for your sake it continues!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you have a dinner party or book club for your friends? Are they invited to everything? Or if yiu want to go on an outing with just your kids? Or order food they dont like for dinner?

We are immigrants in our 50s and we have a number of friends whose parents have moved in with them. Multigenerational households is culturally common in our country of origin so this is not unusual.

The parents join in when there is a dinner party, holiday or celebration etc but they usually do not join in the book clubs, or poker games if they are not interested in it. Mostly, we will greet them and do some small talk and they either eat with us, or they will fix a plate for themselves and take it to their suite to watch their TV programs etc. So all of that works well. It is not awkward because we all were raised in such families.

Yes, illness will happen with aged parents and they will become frail and need help. In my community, people have hired help to take care of elderly parents also. Some have been in hospice care at end of life too. But, in all of these instances, they have also quite a bit of domestic help, parents and children have their own friends circles and interests, but, they do include each other in a polite way. The AC will greet the parents friends, the parents will greet the AC friends etc.

I know couples will go on outings with their children, or the grandparents will go out with their grandparents, or the entire family will go out together, or without the kids etc. As for who eats what, it also depends. I think most of the time it is courteous to ask every member of the family if they want something if food is being ordered from outside. This is true even if the grandparents are not living in the same house. Of course, most of the times, grandparents may decide to eat a different diet etc (more organic, vegetarian, home made, healthier), so different kinds of food is made and provided. This means that everyone cooks in the kitchen. It is not difficult to get along when you want to get along.

How long will be the honeymoon period? It is something you determine, OP. If you can decide to be loving, generous, accommodating and patient, then you can live for generations in one household. If you are a bean counter, petty, inflexible, irritable, disrespectful, unforgiving and have a personality disorder then maybe you will be irritated with others. I mean think about this - couples divorce without living in multigenerational households. Kids are disrespectful and doing drugs, without living in multigenerational households. So, all the bad things that happen in nuclear families, can also happen regardless of if your grandparents are living with you or not.

My experience has been that every individual has to have the space to be an individual and the discipline to be a pleasant team member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you have a dinner party or book club for your friends? Are they invited to everything? Or if yiu want to go on an outing with just your kids? Or order food they dont like for dinner?

We are immigrants in our 50s and we have a number of friends whose parents have moved in with them. Multigenerational households is culturally common in our country of origin so this is not unusual.

The parents join in when there is a dinner party, holiday or celebration etc but they usually do not join in the book clubs, or poker games if they are not interested in it. Mostly, we will greet them and do some small talk and they either eat with us, or they will fix a plate for themselves and take it to their suite to watch their TV programs etc. So all of that works well. It is not awkward because we all were raised in such families.

Yes, illness will happen with aged parents and they will become frail and need help. In my community, people have hired help to take care of elderly parents also. Some have been in hospice care at end of life too. But, in all of these instances, they have also quite a bit of domestic help, parents and children have their own friends circles and interests, but, they do include each other in a polite way. The AC will greet the parents friends, the parents will greet the AC friends etc.

I know couples will go on outings with their children, or the grandparents will go out with their grandparents, or the entire family will go out together, or without the kids etc. As for who eats what, it also depends. I think most of the time it is courteous to ask every member of the family if they want something if food is being ordered from outside. This is true even if the grandparents are not living in the same house. Of course, most of the times, grandparents may decide to eat a different diet etc (more organic, vegetarian, home made, healthier), so different kinds of food is made and provided. This means that everyone cooks in the kitchen. It is not difficult to get along when you want to get along.

How long will be the honeymoon period? It is something you determine, OP. If you can decide to be loving, generous, accommodating and patient, then you can live for generations in one household. If you are a bean counter, petty, inflexible, irritable, disrespectful, unforgiving and have a personality disorder then maybe you will be irritated with others. I mean think about this - couples divorce without living in multigenerational households. Kids are disrespectful and doing drugs, without living in multigenerational households. So, all the bad things that happen in nuclear families, can also happen regardless of if your grandparents are living with you or not.

My experience has been that every individual has to have the space to be an individual and the discipline to be a pleasant team member.

Sorry, I am NP above. Not OP or any other PP.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, the families that have been successful in this are families that are pretty well-off and pretty strategic

The grandparents and the young couple (with small children), all have pooled in their money to buy a large house/mansion in an expensive and desirable area, that they could not have managed to buy on their own. Usually, the house is an excellent school district and the neighborhoods are prestigious enough to gratify the family for being upwardly mobile.

So, in the large home, they have large suites for the grandparents with separate entrance, multi vehicle garages, huge common areas, lots of privacy and many places to entertain. Usually, they pool in resources and outsource cleaning, some cooking, some childcare...all under supervision of adults. They are able to afford a lot of perks through economy of scale. They socialize more, they network more and they save more.

It works when no one is a financial burden on another. For common expenses, the money is pooled. The house is large. Each generation can entertain, they can manage their own business to the best of their abilities, there is clarity about who is paying for what, and they outsource as much as they can so that living together makes everybody's life easier and also saves them a huge amount of money.

After a certain age, when grandparents become quite old, usually they young couple will buy the house from their parents, and then the parents start paying rent to the children, equal to their share of mortgage they were paying before. I think it allows everyone to become richer.

[Anonymous]

In our family - forever.

[Anonymous]

We had my mom living with us for four years - during those years my daughter was 2-6 years old. It was wonderful and their relationship is far far closer and way more special than any I ever had with far-away grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the new year, my MIL and FIL moved in with us. They have a bedroom and bathroom on the ground floor, a little living room, and a little space with a sink, coffee pot, mini fridge.

They moved in with us because we had the space, they were ready to downsize, all the kids and grandkids live in this area and they were previously across the country. DH and I had many intense talks before inviting them, and we had a couple of intense talks with them about how things would look. So far, so good. They're only in their 60,s very active, very social, healthy, etc. FIL is still working part time. They moved here right after Christmas and jumped right into the community and getting involved with things. In the mornings, MIL gets the kids dressed while FIL makes breakfast for everyone, so DH and I can go work out. We get home, eat breakfast in like 5 minutes, one of us cleans up from breakfast while the other take the kids to school, shower and start work. FIL walks the dog. Sometimes MIL goes with him. Whoever is hungry first makes lunch for the four of us. Someone else cleans up. MIL starts dinner, FIL sets the table, DH walks the dog. FIL reads to the kids after dinner, MIL helps with homework and pjs.

We don't ask them to take the kids anywhere or drive them, but invite them to come with us if they're around. We handle cleaning the house, our and the kids laundry, food shopping, etc.

This is glorious. They are easy-going enough and pleasant, friendly, happy people who like to be busy and social. They've already had new friends over. Is this really what it's like, or is there a honeymoon period and it's all going to fall apart?

It will last until they figure out that you're using them.

[Anonymous]

This is very much dependent on all your personalities. Personally that sounds like torture to me. I married one person, coordinating my life with 3 people sounds like hell.

As long as you are ok with not being very close to your kids, you should be fine. It sounds like you are enjoying the situation. Your kids will start to form a strong bond with your in laws since it sounds like they are becoming the primary parents now. As long as you are good with that, you may be ok.

[Anonymous]

Op, my in-laws just came for a few months. They're in their early 70s. It's exactly as you described it. Incredibly helpful, keep to their space, I'm surprised how much I like multigenerational living. No babysitters necessary. They drive and help with pickup and dropoff.

We are all easygoing so that helps. We have disagreements but it's not a huge deal so far.

[Anonymous]

It's been great for us too, though my inlaws are significantly older. I think a lot depends on the personalities of the people involved, how understanding, patient, flexible, and forgiving they are. How much they prioritize relationships, family, and support over egos. It works well for us bc of the compatibility of the people involved. However, I don't blame others for this move bc I just don't think it works with all personality types and family circumstances, even when people are all "nice" and well-intentioned.

Anyway, I think you're outside of the honey moon period. What's likely is that you'll have ups and downs as health issues, job stresses, kid issues come up, but the support you'll provide for each other will be a massive help for both physical and mental health. Best wishes. Know that you are blessed. So am I.

[Anonymous]

Are they paying rent? If so, they should not be expected to be your housekeeper, childcare, cook, maid, which is what they are now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you have a dinner party or book club for your friends? Are they invited to everything? Or if yiu want to go on an outing with just your kids? Or order food they dont like for dinner?

We are immigrants in our 50s and we have a number of friends whose parents have moved in with them. Multigenerational households is culturally common in our country of origin so this is not unusual.

The parents join in when there is a dinner party, holiday or celebration etc but they usually do not join in the book clubs, or poker games if they are not interested in it. Mostly, we will greet them and do some small talk and they either eat with us, or they will fix a plate for themselves and take it to their suite to watch their TV programs etc. So all of that works well. It is not awkward because we all were raised in such families.

Yes, illness will happen with aged parents and they will become frail and need help. In my community, people have hired help to take care of elderly parents also. Some have been in hospice care at end of life too. But, in all of these instances, they have also quite a bit of domestic help, parents and children have their own friends circles and interests, but, they do include each other in a polite way. The AC will greet the parents friends, the parents will greet the AC friends etc.

I know couples will go on outings with their children, or the grandparents will go out with their grandparents, or the entire family will go out together, or without the kids etc. As for who eats what, it also depends. I think most of the time it is courteous to ask every member of the family if they want something if food is being ordered from outside. This is true even if the grandparents are not living in the same house. Of course, most of the times, grandparents may decide to eat a different diet etc (more organic, vegetarian, home made, healthier), so different kinds of food is made and provided. This means that everyone cooks in the kitchen. It is not difficult to get along when you want to get along.

How long will be the honeymoon period? It is something you determine, OP. If you can decide to be loving, generous, accommodating and patient, then you can live for generations in one household. If you are a bean counter, petty, inflexible, irritable, disrespectful, unforgiving and have a personality disorder then maybe you will be irritated with others. I mean think about this - couples divorce without living in multigenerational households. Kids are disrespectful and doing drugs, without living in multigenerational households. So, all the bad things that happen in nuclear families, can also happen regardless of if your grandparents are living with you or not.

My experience has been that every individual has to have the space to be an individual and the discipline to be a pleasant team member.

A friend of mine who is Indian specializes in multigenerational households because of all the issues, but usually it's because of difficult people. She doesn't see families where everyone is a team player. The personalities have to work well together and you need a plan if someone because abusive with dementia. There are some pretty crazy stories, like grandma walking around nude and trying to chat with the grandchildren, rage fits, paranoia. Definitely have a plan.

Also, as another person said, rich families with wings of houses and MIL sweets have it much easier again as long as everyone behaves. I knew someone who's in law didn't even speak English, but they had a whole wing that functioned as a house with kitchen and they truly enjoyed hanging out with the grandkids and keeping an eye on things. Also, siblings not living in the house can cause problems when they stir up trouble or give commandments about eldercare.

Also, the elders who believe they are part of a system and not royalty who must be served are easier to have. So, they help with family tasks and don't sit back and give orders. It adjusts as they age and can do less, but it is good for their brain health to be contributing members and not just sit around and give orders. A friend of mine found her FIL with Alzheimers really liked sweeping floors and cleaning counters if you gave him lots of compliments. He was much more engaged doing that then when they let him sit all day in a recliner watching TV.

[Anonymous]

You need to consult an elder law attorney to make sure you cover all the future what if's? Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I'm honestly so jealous. My MIL moved in on us and she's a horror, and does absolutely nothing to actually help. She's in the way, making everything worse, all the time. She would never in a million years walk the dog or drive the kids to school, and she'll cook, but it's only what she wants to cook, when she wants to cook, and usually only things DH will eat. Plus, she's super judgy and has something nasty to say about everything I do. Sounds like you have good IL's - I'm sure there will be disagreements at some point, because all families have them, but you can get past disagreements when everyone respects everyone else. Relationships take work, but yours sounds like it can last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are they paying rent? If so, they should not be expected to be your housekeeper, childcare, cook, maid, which is what they are now.

Neither of us view it like that. It's a mutually beneficial relationship. Wouldn't work if they didn't like being part of the family.

Like I said, we are all easygoing