Reply to How long is the honeymoon period of 3 generation household?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What happens if you have a dinner party or book club for your friends? Are they invited to everything? Or if yiu want to go on an outing with just your kids? Or order food they dont like for dinner?[/quote]

We are immigrants in our 50s and we  have a number of friends whose parents have moved in with them. Multigenerational households is culturally common in our country of origin so this is not unusual.

The parents join in when there is a dinner party, holiday or celebration etc but they usually do not join in the book clubs, or poker games if they are not interested in it. Mostly, we will greet them and do some small talk and they either eat with us, or they will fix a plate for themselves and take it to their suite to watch their TV programs etc.  So all of that works well. It is not awkward because we all were raised in such families.

Yes, illness will happen with aged parents and they will become frail and need help. In my community, people have hired help to take care of elderly parents also.  Some have been in hospice care at end of life too.   But, in all of these instances, they have also quite a bit of domestic help, parents and children have their own friends circles and interests, but, they do include each other in a polite way.  The AC will greet the parents friends, the parents will greet the AC friends etc.

I know couples will go on outings with their children, or the grandparents will go out with their grandparents, or the entire family will go out together, or without the kids etc.   As for who eats what, it also depends.  I think most of the time it is courteous to ask every member of the family if they want something if food is being ordered from outside. This is true even if the grandparents are not living in the same house.  Of course, most of the times, grandparents may decide to eat a different diet etc (more organic, vegetarian, home made, healthier), so different kinds of food is made and provided. This means that everyone cooks in the kitchen.  It is not difficult to get along when you want to get along.

How long will be the honeymoon period?  It is something you determine, OP.  If you can decide to be loving, generous, accommodating and patient, then you can live for generations in one household. If you are a bean counter, petty, inflexible, irritable, disrespectful, unforgiving and have a personality disorder then maybe you will be irritated with others.  I mean think about this - couples divorce without living in multigenerational households.  Kids are disrespectful and doing drugs, without living in multigenerational households. So, all the bad things that happen in nuclear families, can also happen regardless of if your grandparents are living with you or not.

My experience has been that every individual has to have the space to be an individual and the discipline to be a pleasant team member. 
 [/quote]

A friend of mine who is Indian specializes in multigenerational households because of all the issues, but usually it's because of difficult people. She doesn't see families where everyone is a team player. The personalities have to work well together and you need a plan if someone because abusive with dementia. There are some pretty crazy stories, like grandma walking around nude and trying to chat with the grandchildren, rage fits, paranoia. Definitely have a plan.

Also, as another person said, rich families with wings of houses and MIL sweets have it much easier again as long as everyone behaves. I knew someone who's in law didn't even speak English, but they had a whole wing that functioned as a house with kitchen and they truly enjoyed hanging out with the grandkids and keeping an eye on things. Also, siblings not living in the house can cause problems when they stir up trouble or give commandments about eldercare.

Also, the elders who believe they are part of a system and not royalty who must be served are easier to have. So, they help with family tasks and don't sit back and give orders. It adjusts as they age and can do less, but it is good for their brain health to be contributing members and not just sit around and give orders. A friend of mine found her FIL with Alzheimers really liked sweeping floors and cleaning counters if you gave him lots of compliments. He was much more engaged doing that then when they let him sit all day in a recliner watching TV.[/quote]

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