Am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

I'm confused why you don't take control of the situation at 830 or when you hopped into bed at 9. "Time to head to your room guys. Love you."

The boundary is reasonable enough. I would suggest you lighten up slightly and allow for some joy and spontaneity in your parenting style and I say that as a person who has systems and schedules too.

But what is the explanation as to why you can't speak up? Why do you look over and say nothing and let your wife say something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW and I agree kids bedtime is 830. DW likes to decompress by scrolling instagram when we are in bed getting ready to go to sleep. Last night she had the kids in our bed scrolling IG, playing random Spotify songs, and generally being noisy past 9pm. I got into bed with a book and was trying to read but the commotion was highly distracting. I looked over as she was scrolling Spotify playing songs and she realized it was late and loud so said “kids, dad doesn’t want you in the room time to go to bed”

This is at least the 5th time this has happened in the last year or so. I have requested a boundary that our bedroom is not family entertainment space, especially after 830, as we have a 4 level townhouse with many other spaces for that.

I was most annoyed that she framed it to the kids as me not wanting them there, rather than she taking responsibility for her ignoring what I think is a very reasonable request. And I was upset that there was no acknowledgment or apology last night or this morning when I brought it up, asking how do we keep this boundary that we agreed to previously. The apology came 10 mins into an argument, which I felt I “wrung” out of her. I just think it’s so inconsiderate to do something like that, multiple times, and I wonder how someone can treat their spouse that way. “Forgetting what time it is” seems to me another way of saying “I don’t really care about what is importing to you” but am I being too sensitive or overreacting?

So you requested a boundary and your wife is supposed to manage it and enforce it? Get real buddy. She was passive aggressive in what she said and it's because she resents you and your boundaries and your dumping enforcement of your boundaries on her.

[Anonymous]

Send your kids to bed. Move to one of your four other levels. Grow up

[Anonymous]

You didn't want them in the room, and your wife said so. If you want to be tight about your time, you should own it. Also, who cares? Just tell the kids, "I love hanging out but I need to read and get some sleep." Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use.your.words. Why can’t you say “kids, time for bed?” So sick of guys like this. I have one at home. Why does the woman always have to take the lead? Why do you have to do passive aggressive sighing instead of being a big boy who uses his words.

Actually, I deal with something similar where DH is the “fun” parent and keeps the kids up late, but then I am the “mean” parent who enforces bed time. OP, your wife should be the one getting them to bed if she’s keeping them up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it is your boundary and not hers and she’s not on board despite your claim that is was previously agreed to. It’s not being followed now. You’re not a united front in front of your kids. The clock is staring at her in the face when she’s scrolling her phone. She doesn’t respect you anymore and your relationship is headed for the toilet.

Nailed it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Kids are 12. Nobody needs to put them to bed. I did fill up the humidifier in their room and check for brushed teeth, if that’s the question

you’re an ogre OP. seriously. you make me appreciate my lazy-*ss stbx, and that’s saying a lot!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use.your.words. Why can’t you say “kids, time for bed?” So sick of guys like this. I have one at home. Why does the woman always have to take the lead? Why do you have to do passive aggressive sighing instead of being a big boy who uses his words.

Actually, I deal with something similar where DH is the “fun” parent and keeps the kids up late, but then I am the “mean” parent who enforces bed time. OP, your wife should be the one getting them to bed if she’s keeping them up

Maybe. But OP didn’t say anything about their sleep needs, just that he was b*tthurt at being (accurately) called out by his wife and demanding apologies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So you requested a boundary and your wife is supposed to manage it and enforce it? Get real buddy. She was passive aggressive in what she said and it's because she resents you and your boundaries and your dumping enforcement of your boundaries on her.

This. You could have said, kids it's time for bed. Instead you gave her a look that told her that she messed up, and she resented being silently scolded by her partner, so she acted out.

I think you both need to be honest with each other about what's a realistic boundary. It's perfectly fine to insist that one of your red line boundaries is not disparaging the other parent or making the other parent the mean guy, in front of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am just like you op and I'm trying to change. I come across like a controlling buzzkill because I can be very rigid, especially when I'm tired. I don't like my kids in my room after 9:00 during the week and I tell them that explicitly. But I also realize that my 12 yo will be out of the house in 6 years and I'm trying to savor the time. You said the kids were distracting you not that you were concerned about their sleep, so be honest about your motivation. Do you have a good relationship with them otherwise?

OP here. this is a fair question. It's actually the distracting noise that bothered me (okay with the kids skirting past bedtime and having fun with mom), and then DW blaming me vs. owning up to the fact that she invited them into our room past our bed time and simply saying something like "sorry, today ran long, I'll send them to bed".

I am not allowed to play a certain podcast audibly anywhere in the house at any time because of the sound of one of the hosts that makes her skin crawl I guess - its a boundary she has set that I respect (and so I use my AirPods when listening to them). I'll admit that I was annoyed that a "noise" based boundary was breached when I always respect the one she has asked for.

There are a lot of other very helpful posts here and I going to reflect more on the general suggestion to lighten up. I see where that is coming from. I do not believe the kids are going to bed too early though, and I also believe social media screen time right before bed is bad for everyone, especially kids. I don't quite get the comments that its supposed to be my job to send them to bed when its was DW who brought them up to our room after their bed time (and the pre-bed routine I did of brushing and humidifier). Lots of salty women here I guess.

[Anonymous]

Omg your house sounds horrific. I’m not allowed? You two spend a lot of time making rules and enforcing them. Still unclear on my you couldn’t just take them to their rooms yourself. Even more unclear on why you’re putting 13 year olds to bed. I actually don’t know any kids past 4th grade who go to bed that early either, and pretty much everyone at our school gets up around 6.
Perhaps your wife has caught on that that is too early and that as kids get older, it’s hard to have organic chats. Times like what your wife was doing are when I end up with the best talks with my children. You sound like you may be on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just like you op and I'm trying to change. I come across like a controlling buzzkill because I can be very rigid, especially when I'm tired. I don't like my kids in my room after 9:00 during the week and I tell them that explicitly. But I also realize that my 12 yo will be out of the house in 6 years and I'm trying to savor the time. You said the kids were distracting you not that you were concerned about their sleep, so be honest about your motivation. Do you have a good relationship with them otherwise?

OP here. this is a fair question. It's actually the distracting noise that bothered me (okay with the kids skirting past bedtime and having fun with mom), and then DW blaming me vs. owning up to the fact that she invited them into our room past our bed time and simply saying something like "sorry, today ran long, I'll send them to bed".

I am not allowed to play a certain podcast audibly anywhere in the house at any time because of the sound of one of the hosts that makes her skin crawl I guess - its a boundary she has set that I respect (and so I use my AirPods when listening to them). I'll admit that I was annoyed that a "noise" based boundary was breached when I always respect the one she has asked for.

There are a lot of other very helpful posts here and I going to reflect more on the general suggestion to lighten up. I see where that is coming from. I do not believe the kids are going to bed too early though, and I also believe social media screen time right before bed is bad for everyone, especially kids. I don't quite get the comments that its supposed to be my job to send them to bed when its was DW who brought them up to our room after their bed time (and the pre-bed routine I did of brushing and humidifier). Lots of salty women here I guess.

I'm the mom and the "bad cop" bedtime enforcer. I don't get into games of chicken with my spouse around bedtime because he just doesn't care the same way I do. They can be wrestling in the middle of the living room and I'll pipe up and tell everyone it's bedtime. I like them having a bedtime for their wellbeing and for mine so I can decompress, so I make it happen. And that's every night, not just 5 times a year.

But OP this post makes it sound like you're in a battle of wills or bean counting with your DW around other issues as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just like you op and I'm trying to change. I come across like a controlling buzzkill because I can be very rigid, especially when I'm tired. I don't like my kids in my room after 9:00 during the week and I tell them that explicitly. But I also realize that my 12 yo will be out of the house in 6 years and I'm trying to savor the time. You said the kids were distracting you not that you were concerned about their sleep, so be honest about your motivation. Do you have a good relationship with them otherwise?

OP here. this is a fair question. It's actually the distracting noise that bothered me (okay with the kids skirting past bedtime and having fun with mom), and then DW blaming me vs. owning up to the fact that she invited them into our room past our bed time and simply saying something like "sorry, today ran long, I'll send them to bed".

I am not allowed to play a certain podcast audibly anywhere in the house at any time because of the sound of one of the hosts that makes her skin crawl I guess - its a boundary she has set that I respect (and so I use my AirPods when listening to them). I'll admit that I was annoyed that a "noise" based boundary was breached when I always respect the one she has asked for.

There are a lot of other very helpful posts here and I going to reflect more on the general suggestion to lighten up. I see where that is coming from. I do not believe the kids are going to bed too early though, and I also believe social media screen time right before bed is bad for everyone, especially kids. I don't quite get the comments that its supposed to be my job to send them to bed when its was DW who brought them up to our room after their bed time (and the pre-bed routine I did of brushing and humidifier). Lots of salty women here I guess.

I'm the mom and the "bad cop" bedtime enforcer. I don't get into games of chicken with my spouse around bedtime because he just doesn't care the same way I do. They can be wrestling in the middle of the living room and I'll pipe up and tell everyone it's bedtime. I like them having a bedtime for their wellbeing and for mine so I can decompress, so I make it happen. And that's every night, not just 5 times a year.

But OP this post makes it sound like you're in a battle of wills or bean counting with your DW around other issues as well.

This is really helpful. Thank you. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were you waiting for her to put them to bed?

LOLOLOL! Jerk husband posting! lol! Why does the DW have to "put them to bed". I'm loving this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just like you op and I'm trying to change. I come across like a controlling buzzkill because I can be very rigid, especially when I'm tired. I don't like my kids in my room after 9:00 during the week and I tell them that explicitly. But I also realize that my 12 yo will be out of the house in 6 years and I'm trying to savor the time. You said the kids were distracting you not that you were concerned about their sleep, so be honest about your motivation. Do you have a good relationship with them otherwise?

OP here. this is a fair question. It's actually the distracting noise that bothered me (okay with the kids skirting past bedtime and having fun with mom), and then DW blaming me vs. owning up to the fact that she invited them into our room past our bed time and simply saying something like "sorry, today ran long, I'll send them to bed".

I am not allowed to play a certain podcast audibly anywhere in the house at any time because of the sound of one of the hosts that makes her skin crawl I guess - its a boundary she has set that I respect (and so I use my AirPods when listening to them). I'll admit that I was annoyed that a "noise" based boundary was breached when I always respect the one she has asked for.

There are a lot of other very helpful posts here and I going to reflect more on the general suggestion to lighten up. I see where that is coming from. I do not believe the kids are going to bed too early though, and I also believe social media screen time right before bed is bad for everyone, especially kids. I don't quite get the comments that its supposed to be my job to send them to bed when its was DW who brought them up to our room after their bed time (and the pre-bed routine I did of brushing and humidifier). Lots of salty women here I guess.

lol you had to throw that last line in. you sound awful.