Why do many people in the DMV make advice-giving/recommending such a big part of their personality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hahahaha, I am totally the person you’re talking about, OP! I’m definitely a maximizer. Honestly, I think what happens a lot is that people ask for advice assuming it will be simple and straightforward or initiate a conversation about a topic, but if it’s a topic where I’ve actually gone through a lot to reach the decision I’ve made, I will give you the play by play because that’s the level of detail I would want. I want to know the why behind the decision making because it helps me to know whether the reasons that mattered to you will also matter to me as I weigh how helpful your recommendations are to me and my situation.

Also, if you don’t want the detail, just tell me! It will be okay if you don’t actually care.

I don't care why you ordered the soup and not the salad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we are fixers. Cannot stand for someone to be unhappy in any way, and if you are having a challenge or problem, we want to help you fix it so you can be happy

More like hall monitors.

This. The Tracy Flicks of the world gather in DC. It’s like a dog whistle that normal people can’t hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love that you are making this observation, OP. It is so so true. I was just thinking the other day that in my social circles, all the moms are know-it-alls who give out unsolicited advice constantly while all the dads are laid back and like to act pretty clueless. It does get exhausting at times. I have to admit I am one of these maximizers and I try not to overdo it. Everyone just needs to be mindful of their audience and make sure you’re not coming across as bragging or bossy!

Among the DMV parents I know, many of the dads are also insufferable know-it-alls.

The "maximizers" thing is interesting and I think is absolutely a feature of a lot of DMV personalities, but I think this is especially true with regards to parenting. It creates an intensity around kids, especially "achievement" in academics and extra-curriculars, that can take the joy out of it for parents AND kids.

It's also particularly hard to be around a maximizer parent when they are unhappy with their kid's performance or level. I know a dad who is like this and our kids do an athletic activity together. Whenever I see him at practices or games, he wants to stand around assessing the kids (who are 6 years old). And he will go on and on about how his kid has "low muscle tone" and is "naturally lazy" and that's why she's not performing well enough (even though honestly she seems about middle of the pack and also these children are SIX) and they have to decide if they are just going to focus on academics/music or get her 1:1 coaching and see if they can overcome her "deficiencies." My DH and I have to take turns fielding conversations with him because it's so unpleasant and depressing. I feel really bad for his kid, but I also feel bad for the rest of us because his intensity has an impact on everyone involved, especially since it tends to spike the anxiety of other parents who then start engaging in similarly intense, competitive behavior because they see him and don't want their kid "falling behind."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hahahaha, I am totally the person you’re talking about, OP! I’m definitely a maximizer. Honestly, I think what happens a lot is that people ask for advice assuming it will be simple and straightforward or initiate a conversation about a topic, but if it’s a topic where I’ve actually gone through a lot to reach the decision I’ve made, I will give you the play by play because that’s the level of detail I would want. I want to know the why behind the decision making because it helps me to know whether the reasons that mattered to you will also matter to me as I weigh how helpful your recommendations are to me and my situation.

Also, if you don’t want the detail, just tell me! It will be okay if you don’t actually care.

It's weird that you expect someone else to interrupt your 20-point presentation on why the Wegmans 20 minutes away is a better grocery store than the Whole Foods nearby in order to explain that they did not need that level of detail. Like... just assume 99.9% of people don't need that level of detail, but you can always offer more to someone who seems interested.

Like try having a conversation with people instead of monologuing and hoping they'll flag you down if you are getting really annoying.

[Anonymous]

People are always asking me for advice, answers and opinions. It’s exhausting. I’m never close to the top of anyone’s social list but they feel free to reach out to ask me for information. Makes me sad. My husband says not to answer but I can’t help but answer a direct question.

[Anonymous]

Basic rule of life: don’t give unsolicited advice. If it is requested great. Otherwise very rude and presumptuous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think DC tends to attract the "maximizer" personality. They assume you want/need to strategize to get the best thing because that's what they do. Find more "satisficers" to hang out with, we are much more relaxed!

https://www.psychologistworld.com/cognitive/maximizers-satisficers-decision-making

This is gobbledygook for insufferable know-it-all dorks. Legends in their own minds. Delusions of grandeur.

[Anonymous]

NYC is the same way in my opinion. it's because both cities have a large group of people trying to make do with a finite number of resources--daycares, schools, summer camps, afterschool activities, good restaurants, good mechanics, good handymen, etc. So advice on how to navigate life here and in NYC - esp as a parent - is actually really helpful in my opinion. I feel like DCUM about 10 years ago was more aimed at that. And I think people in DC are pretty nice in that they are willing to help people out in this way rather than hoarding the info for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hahahaha, I am totally the person you’re talking about, OP! I’m definitely a maximizer. Honestly, I think what happens a lot is that people ask for advice assuming it will be simple and straightforward or initiate a conversation about a topic, but if it’s a topic where I’ve actually gone through a lot to reach the decision I’ve made, I will give you the play by play because that’s the level of detail I would want. I want to know the why behind the decision making because it helps me to know whether the reasons that mattered to you will also matter to me as I weigh how helpful your recommendations are to me and my situation.

Me too! I'm not a complainer (like, to a fault) but 1) I am a lawyer so am used to giving advice all day long and 2) I really enjoy giving useful information to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NYC is the same way in my opinion. it's because both cities have a large group of people trying to make do with a finite number of resources--daycares, schools, summer camps, afterschool activities, good restaurants, good mechanics, good handymen, etc. So advice on how to navigate life here and in NYC - esp as a parent - is actually really helpful in my opinion. I feel like DCUM about 10 years ago was more aimed at that. And I think people in DC are pretty nice in that they are willing to help people out in this way rather than hoarding the info for themselves.

Yeah I kind of love it! I'm not by nature someone who stays on top of how to get into camps, etc. It wasn't for my very "advice forward" neighbors, I'd be lost!

And I've found it to be really helpful here as a transplant. I've always seen it as community building and not offensive or annoying.

[Anonymous]

Yes it is so helpful. I wish my parents had this when I was growing up. I’m happy to hear what others say, I take what I need, and let the rest go. I happily will share what I know… it’s better than opportunity hoarding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love hanging out with the maximizers! They do all my research for me. Like on here 😱😱😱

+1. It's much easier to figure out what I want if people supply the full picture. I have enough intelligence to sort out what is relevant to me and what isn't.

Ditto. And I am secure enough in my parenting style that I don’t care if someone has “maximized” an area where I have “satisfied” or vice versa. I take good advice and leave the rest.

[Anonymous]

Oh no, this is my whole personality.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had had such people around me when I moved to the US, specifically to DC. I ended up living in Columbia Heights area and there were zero know-it-alls in late 90s. I had half homeless, uneducated, jobless 'helpers' around me who ended up helping themselves to anything I earned or achieved.
When I give advise, it's from experience, not feelings or having read a book. Usually, it's for people who have similar background as myself. I think I'm trying to keep them from going through what I had to go through. I want them to not make the mistakes I made.
I have over the years taken in several people experiencing temporary homelessness. I have got them jobs, driven to places, watched their kids.
All this is more than the International student Organization or my own embassy ever did to help me when I needed help.
I don't dare to give advice to the highly educated, but for others needing help, sure. By the way, nobody listens.

[Anonymous]

DC is ground zero for deluded narcissists who think they're smarter than they really are. They try to dole out advice as if they're a rung above you while their own personal and family life is a disaster zone.