Why does my DH do this? It drives me insane!

[Anonymous]

My husband does the same thing OP it's gaslighting. Lots of good responses here today. I agree and also think its a respect thing AND he is intimated by you as well, maybe you are smarter than he is?

Anyway ask him and let us know please what he says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband does this and it drives me bananas. I will try my best to articulate what I’m talking about:

DH and I are loyal to a particular brand, say it’s an airline or hotel chain or even paper towel. If I come home and say that one of my friends/coworkers/family members is using a different airline/hotel chain/paper towel brand, he will joke about it with me (“I wish them luck!”) etc.

But if DH comes home and says HIS friend/coworkers/family members are using a different brand and I make the same “wish them luck” joke, he always has something to say in their defense (“I’ve heard good things about X they offer”, or, “I think it’ll be a good fit for them because of X”)

It infuriates me. I don’t even know what to call it. One-upping doesn’t sound right. And why is it only when it’s someone HE is close with?

My DH does a form of this too but with things I notice. When I say them it's, " You're the only one noticing" but when he notices I say, " Hmm interesting, I wonder why..." I feel like it's a form of minimizing or something. I'm not sure what it is but my DH does this too and it drive me crazy.

[Anonymous]

My DH does this too.

We are big cruisers and loyal to one line. We think the others are mostly trash and talk about it often. If someone mentions going on other lines, we joke in private. Our friends recently took one, we warned them, joked about it in private, and when they had a bad experience, we were sad for them to their face but joked in private.

HIS coworker was going on the same line and all of a sudden it was fine, they’ll have a great time, he’s sure. It’ll be nice for them because this or that. WHAT? I’m like, who is this man???

I’d love to know why they do this. Does ANYONE have insight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH does this too.

We are big cruisers and loyal to one line. We think the others are mostly trash and talk about it often. If someone mentions going on other lines, we joke in private. Our friends recently took one, we warned them, joked about it in private, and when they had a bad experience, we were sad for them to their face but joked in private.

HIS coworker was going on the same line and all of a sudden it was fine, they’ll have a great time, he’s sure. It’ll be nice for them because this or that. WHAT? I’m like, who is this man???

I’d love to know why they do this. Does ANYONE have insight?

Your husband is distinguishing between friends/family vs coworkers. It’s very understandable, actually.

He has to put on a face/armor for work otherwise he won’t be able to do it. He has to be fake and phony with his coworkers and he has to carry that phoniness over to when he’s talking about them at home, so that he doesn’t slip up at work. If he told people what he really thought, he’d get in trouble and would live in the HR department.

With you and friends he’s sharing his real opinions because he can be himself. This one is easy to understand. In fact, I can’t understand why it’s confusing for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know exactly what you’re talking about but I don’t have a name for it, it’s almost like this weird opaque people pleasing type thing, the friend or coworker that gave them the idea for something new doesn’t benefit at all.

It’s super annoying and I am totally guilty of it from time to time but only when it comes to this one friend, our respective spouses are aware of this and I find it equally annoying

OP here. Exactly! The person doesn’t even know one way or the other. It completely has to do with me and I can’t figure out why he feels the need to do this.

it’s not personal, as I think about it I value my wife’s opinion over all others but for whatever reason I am vulnerable to this almost subliminal sales process that some people just have, for me it’s only the DW part of our closest couple friends.
Its become a running joke, my wife will pitch something and I’ll maybe not agree and then she’ll say “maybe I should have Erin call you and maybe then you’ll think it’s a good idea!”

I don’t particularly value this other woman’s opinion on everything and I never go to her for advice but if Erin mentions at dinner that bounty is the best paper towel I’m gonna buy bounty, I know my wife has been pushing for bounty for years but all of a sudden it just sounds so much better coming from Erin. It’s ridiculous and stupid but please don’t take it personally lol

I’m sure your wife doesn’t think it’s a joke. You sound awful.