Why does my DH do this? It drives me insane!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know exactly what you’re talking about but I don’t have a name for it, it’s almost like this weird opaque people pleasing type thing, the friend or coworker that gave them the idea for something new doesn’t benefit at all.

It’s super annoying and I am totally guilty of it from time to time but only when it comes to this one friend, our respective spouses are aware of this and I find it equally annoying

OP here. Exactly! The person doesn’t even know one way or the other. It completely has to do with me and I can’t figure out why he feels the need to do this.

it’s not personal, as I think about it I value my wife’s opinion over all others but for whatever reason I am vulnerable to this almost subliminal sales process that some people just have, for me it’s only the DW part of our closest couple friends.
Its become a running joke, my wife will pitch something and I’ll maybe not agree and then she’ll say “maybe I should have Erin call you and maybe then you’ll think it’s a good idea!”

I don’t particularly value this other woman’s opinion on everything and I never go to her for advice but if Erin mentions at dinner that bounty is the best paper towel I’m gonna buy bounty, I know my wife has been pushing for bounty for years but all of a sudden it just sounds so much better coming from Erin. It’s ridiculous and stupid but please don’t take it personally lol

[Anonymous]

I wish mine had ever talked enough to discuss something so inconsequential. I would have worn him out talking about nothing.

[Anonymous]

Agree it’s worth checking to check on the level of awareness….it seems a common phenomenon.

As a parent, I sometimes don’t feel heard. For example, a recommendation I’ve made multiple times is dismissed or perceived as a comment on my DC….. but when a peer says the same thing, it’s deemed “brilliant!”

It also sounds like an episode of the show Modern Family.

Phil, the husband walks into the house and casually says to his wife, Claire, “you really have to try the wedge salad from spot X! It was really delicious! And, wow, Friend Y, who’s suggested the meal, always has such great recommendations.”

Meanwhile, Claire is infuriated as she’s been trying to convince Phil to go to Spot X and try wedge salad for ages.

[Anonymous]

I get that it’s annoying, but how thoughtful, gullible, or skeptical are you compared to him?

My mom thinks she’s totally immune from scams or fake news (I was a librarian, I can tell a reliable source!) and yet she is constantly relaying info she “heard from a friend” or “new medical research” she learned about on The View or Dr Oz. She also doesn’t think anything through before she spouts nonsense. She talks so much that she just repeats things and when I say “really? Do you think that is true?” She will actually stop and think and realize maybe she is wrong. She also talks to anyone and everyone and treats information from the cashier at Dunkin or the receptionist at the dentist as an equally good source as The New York Times.

I am sure she could make a similar complaint about how her spouse and children dismiss her ideas and recommendations while entertaining similar comments from other people - but she has proven over years not to be a source of reliable information.

[Anonymous]

Familiarity breeds contempt

[Anonymous]

A nitpicky gripe followed by alarmist, hyperbolic responses. DCUM doesnt disappoint.

Your only option, truly, is divorce. Get out now. He’s probably an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A nitpicky gripe followed by alarmist, hyperbolic responses. DCUM doesnt disappoint.

Your only option, truly, is divorce. Get out now. He’s probably an alcoholic.

And definitely cheating, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband does this and it drives me bananas. I will try my best to articulate what I’m talking about:

DH and I are loyal to a particular brand, say it’s an airline or hotel chain or even paper towel. If I come home and say that one of my friends/coworkers/family members is using a different airline/hotel chain/paper towel brand, he will joke about it with me (“I wish them luck!”) etc.

But if DH comes home and says HIS friend/coworkers/family members are using a different brand and I make the same “wish them luck” joke, he always has something to say in their defense (“I’ve heard good things about X they offer”, or, “I think it’ll be a good fit for them because of X”)

It infuriates me. I don’t even know what to call it. One-upping doesn’t sound right. And why is it only when it’s someone HE is close with?

Sound to me like you guys are joking together when you tell the story but when he tells the story he doesn't mean it as a joke but you're taking it as one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can totally relate, but it's the weird allegiance to co-workers in my world. If I say "Jane's kids used guidance counselor x at school and really liked them," the response is "we're not talking about Jane, we're talking about our family." (Dumb example, but the intro "we're not talking about x we're talking about y applies to every time I try to bring an example into a conversation). But if his co-worker suggested counselor x, you better believe we're using that counselor.

Co-worker gives him a "wallet" thing, that barely holds anything? You got it, changes wallet (my Christmas present one year) and then misplaces this "wallet" at least once every two weeks because it's too small to be practical. (It's a glorified money clip that falls out of his pocket constantly. "My wallet is gone" is a constant refrain in this house now. My only response anymore is "wow, that sucks.")

If I research things to do while on vacation, it's met with indifference. If a co-worker suggests something, we. are. doing. it. no. matter. what.

It's a bit pathological and simply bizarre to me. It's utter reverence for anyone's opinion at work to the detriment of anyone in the family, but certainly me.

It's the wedge salad phenomenon.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he has no faith in your judgement/choices/analytical abilities. Perhaps it’s with merit or without, we can’t know.

I can tell you, my wife has all sorts of beliefs on what’s healthy, toxic, dangerous that is sourced from instagram and her family members. I roll my eyes at most of it. But given her sources vs mine, I’m typically biased toward mine.

[Anonymous]

NP. Similar has happened to meet, too. For example, DH would gush in front of our teenager about some acquaintance of his, how she became a member of a select honor society in school, what a phenomenal accomplishment that was, etc. Then I remarked that I myself was a member of the same organization. No reaction from him at all, total silence, not even a "good job!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A nitpicky gripe followed by alarmist, hyperbolic responses. DCUM doesnt disappoint.

Your only option, truly, is divorce. Get out now. He’s probably an alcoholic.

And definitely cheating, too.

I say this as trying to wake you up, this is a stupid, petty, looking for anything complaint. Go take a walk and enjoy life and refocus on what is truly important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t respect you. Same thing here but with ideas. I say we should go to NYC for vacation. Terrible idea! Then someone he knows does it and it’s a great idea.

It's this. ^^

That is why it drives you crazy, OP.

[Anonymous]

My brother is like this. He’s practically a one man seeing circle. But god forbid, I try to gossip a little, he suddenly get very defensive of the person I’m talking about. I’ve always wondered what it is, I’m not quite sure, but I think it comes down to sexism. I’m open to other ideas, though. I find it highly hypocritical and infuriating. I’m not suggesting divorce, but this sort of thing was a deal breaker for me back in the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he has no faith in your judgement/choices/analytical abilities. Perhaps it’s with merit or without, we can’t know.

I can tell you, my wife has all sorts of beliefs on what’s healthy, toxic, dangerous that is sourced from instagram and her family members. I roll my eyes at most of it. But given her sources vs mine, I’m typically biased toward mine.

This would make sense if he wasn’t agreeing with her when it’s HER people.