Why does my DH do this? It drives me insane!

[Anonymous]

My husband does this and it drives me bananas. I will try my best to articulate what I’m talking about:

DH and I are loyal to a particular brand, say it’s an airline or hotel chain or even paper towel. If I come home and say that one of my friends/coworkers/family members is using a different airline/hotel chain/paper towel brand, he will joke about it with me (“I wish them luck!”) etc.

But if DH comes home and says HIS friend/coworkers/family members are using a different brand and I make the same “wish them luck” joke, he always has something to say in their defense (“I’ve heard good things about X they offer”, or, “I think it’ll be a good fit for them because of X”)

It infuriates me. I don’t even know what to call it. One-upping doesn’t sound right. And why is it only when it’s someone HE is close with?

[Anonymous]

It almost sounds like a form of gaslighting, but I have no idea what he would serve to gain from this. I agree that’s annoying.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t respect you. Same thing here but with ideas. I say we should go to NYC for vacation. Terrible idea! Then someone he knows does it and it’s a great idea.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s sweet that he defends his friends (even in something silly/inconsequential) in private. He’s telling the story. When you tell the story, you leave it at that and don’t add more information. So what. You’re different, why is that a problem?

[Anonymous]

Have you pointed out this difference to your husband?

If not, do that.

Try to do it with less vitriol than you're demonstrating here. I get that it's irksome and it would irk me too, but you seem to take it extremely personally.

Unless he's also insisting your family must try the brands his coworkers etc. are trying, this is a minuscule brain glitch of a problem. You seem to think he's intentionally--what, exactly? Elevating his own friends/coworkers choices or tastes over your friends/coworkers' tastes, or what? He more likely has zero idea he's doing this. Just ask him. But otherwise, unless he is like this in more serious matters (like pushing you to change things you do or buy, based on what others do or buy), this is just a time to point it out --preferably using some humor, OP -- and ask, not to seethe and let something so tiny fester.

[Anonymous]

I can totally relate, but it's the weird allegiance to co-workers in my world. If I say "Jane's kids used guidance counselor x at school and really liked them," the response is "we're not talking about Jane, we're talking about our family." (Dumb example, but the intro "we're not talking about x we're talking about y applies to every time I try to bring an example into a conversation). But if his co-worker suggested counselor x, you better believe we're using that counselor.

Co-worker gives him a "wallet" thing, that barely holds anything? You got it, changes wallet (my Christmas present one year) and then misplaces this "wallet" at least once every two weeks because it's too small to be practical. (It's a glorified money clip that falls out of his pocket constantly. "My wallet is gone" is a constant refrain in this house now. My only response anymore is "wow, that sucks.")

If I research things to do while on vacation, it's met with indifference. If a co-worker suggests something, we. are. doing. it. no. matter. what.

It's a bit pathological and simply bizarre to me. It's utter reverence for anyone's opinion at work to the detriment of anyone in the family, but certainly me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t respect you. Same thing here but with ideas. I say we should go to NYC for vacation. Terrible idea! Then someone he knows does it and it’s a great idea.

PP from above and this is what I mean by "if he does this in more serious matters" so to speak. If the DH disses the DW's ideas or suggestions then turns around and wants to do those same things but only if someone else suggests them, it can signal both that he's not actually listening to his wife, and that he devalues her opinions. Those things would be reason to point out his behavior, clearly, with examples, and possibly get some couples counseling if a DW feels the DH devalues her as an equal partner with opinions.

But just the one example OP gives is pretty petty, on its face. Matters only if it's part of some larger pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can totally relate, but it's the weird allegiance to co-workers in my world. If I say "Jane's kids used guidance counselor x at school and really liked them," the response is "we're not talking about Jane, we're talking about our family." (Dumb example, but the intro "we're not talking about x we're talking about y applies to every time I try to bring an example into a conversation). But if his co-worker suggested counselor x, you better believe we're using that counselor.

Co-worker gives him a "wallet" thing, that barely holds anything? You got it, changes wallet (my Christmas present one year) and then misplaces this "wallet" at least once every two weeks because it's too small to be practical. (It's a glorified money clip that falls out of his pocket constantly. "My wallet is gone" is a constant refrain in this house now. My only response anymore is "wow, that sucks.")

If I research things to do while on vacation, it's met with indifference. If a co-worker suggests something, we. are. doing. it. no. matter. what.

It's a bit pathological and simply bizarre to me. It's utter reverence for anyone's opinion at work to the detriment of anyone in the family, but certainly me.

I posted above but will ask you what I asked OP: Have you pointed this all out to him, with examples? How did he react? (I"m guessing he denies he does it because he does not realize he does it, unfortunately.) Genuinely asking. The wallet example would have annoyed me, especially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t respect you. Same thing here but with ideas. I say we should go to NYC for vacation. Terrible idea! Then someone he knows does it and it’s a great idea.

OP here and it’s exactly this!

[Anonymous]

He is threatened by you in some way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t respect you. Same thing here but with ideas. I say we should go to NYC for vacation. Terrible idea! Then someone he knows does it and it’s a great idea.

My husband has done this and it also aggravates me and I call him out on it and he gets quiet or doesn't remember.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I’ve never pointed it out, but I will tonight, since the latest happened this morning. I willcome back later and let you know what he says

[Anonymous]

I'm at a loss at why you're even discussing anyone else's brand preferences.

[Anonymous]

I know exactly what you’re talking about but I don’t have a name for it, it’s almost like this weird opaque people pleasing type thing, the friend or coworker that gave them the idea for something new doesn’t benefit at all.

It’s super annoying and I am totally guilty of it from time to time but only when it comes to this one friend, our respective spouses are aware of this and I find it equally annoying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know exactly what you’re talking about but I don’t have a name for it, it’s almost like this weird opaque people pleasing type thing, the friend or coworker that gave them the idea for something new doesn’t benefit at all.

It’s super annoying and I am totally guilty of it from time to time but only when it comes to this one friend, our respective spouses are aware of this and I find it equally annoying

OP here. Exactly! The person doesn’t even know one way or the other. It completely has to do with me and I can’t figure out why he feels the need to do this.