I get jealous of people with living parents

[Anonymous]

Therapy, OP. It's never too late. It sounds as if you may have complicated grief (but a trained grief therapist would be able to tell for sure).

My mom had a pretty terrible dad -- her mom died when she was 9, and her father pretty much emotionally and at times financially abandoned her after that. Nevertheless, she tried to maintain a relationship with him despite so much drama with her oldest sister when he finally got sick and died (took awhile). Years later, she finally went to counseling and it was so helpful for her to work out her feelings both about how he was in life and how she felt about his death. Hokey or not, her counselor's viewpoint was that you continue to have a relationship with people when they're gone and you can still work on your relationship when they're gone (of course you're not getting anything back from them, but you can work stuff out with help in your own head).

I also agree that volunteering, getting a dog or cat, and really trying to expand your own social network might help.

[Anonymous]

My parents are still living at 87 years old. Every time I drive home after visiting their very expensive and supposedly great nursing facility I cry. I don't consider any of us lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are still living at 87 years old. Every time I drive home after visiting their very expensive and supposedly great nursing facility I cry. I don't consider any of us lucky.

This is me exactly. It's awful to feel this way and I would only ever say it on this anonymous board, but I wish my mother had died 10 years ago. I loved her my whole life, and when I cry after visiting her it's mostly because I miss the days of being young and loving my mom so much. I have no love for the woman I visit now, and it's a horrible feeling. I haven't visited her for three months (in my defense, they wouldn't allow visitors for weeks around Christmas because of Covid, but still), and I am filled with guilt. But the extreme anxiety of visiting her in that place--all those people just staring into space, her coming out of the bathroom with poop all over her hands and clothes, not remembering the things she just told me, five times, it all just keeps me from going (that and the 3-hour drive and having no time to do it). Maybe it doesn't help OP, but having an extremely old parent is not the same as having the parent you had when you were younger.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP.

My parents' health started declining when I was mid thirties. They are still alive, but the elder care is very hard and their quality of life is very poor.

I wish you had had your parents for longer. But keep in mind there are downsides to living longer, too, at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are still living at 87 years old. Every time I drive home after visiting their very expensive and supposedly great nursing facility I cry. I don't consider any of us lucky.

This is me exactly. It's awful to feel this way and I would only ever say it on this anonymous board, but I wish my mother had died 10 years ago. I loved her my whole life, and when I cry after visiting her it's mostly because I miss the days of being young and loving my mom so much. I have no love for the woman I visit now, and it's a horrible feeling. I haven't visited her for three months (in my defense, they wouldn't allow visitors for weeks around Christmas because of Covid, but still), and I am filled with guilt. But the extreme anxiety of visiting her in that place--all those people just staring into space, her coming out of the bathroom with poop all over her hands and clothes, not remembering the things she just told me, five times, it all just keeps me from going (that and the 3-hour drive and having no time to do it). Maybe it doesn't help OP, but having an extremely old parent is not the same as having the parent you had when you were younger.

Yes, this is so true. It's so hard.

[Anonymous]

Prolonged grief is really treatable and you can find help. You don't have to live with this feeling and talking about it could really help you. It's not long-term therapy. You could also find a grief group. There are many and that might be very helpful either instead of or combined with individual therapy.

How you feel isn't wrong. You sound like you have unprocessed grief and sadness and that really exploring the feelings and also allowing yourself to remember them openly will help.

And having just lost my last parent, I can say that no matter the age, when our parents die and we are left it pretty much sucks. But losing them when you and they are much younger is harder.

Good luck with your journey.