I get jealous of people with living parents

[Anonymous]

I am a 55-year old woman. Married, no kids.

My parents died young, both from illnesses.

I was 31 when my mother died, and 40 when my father passed away.

I don't have siblings.

I feel that I'm still struggling with my parents' deaths in certain areas of my life. I feel jealousy whenever I see women (or men) my age on an outing with their parents, for instance.
Or a mother and daughter having a chat in a coffee shop over coffee and a slice of cake. Simple things.

Or MIL and SIL going out for brunch.

Or a friend showing me pictures of her elderly mother on her cell phone.

Things like these can affect my mood for a couple of hours. I get sad and listless and I withdraw.

I am very happily married but I still feel lonely a lot of the time.

I also never had an opportunity to say a proper 'goodbye' to my parents, even though I was with my mom when she died.
Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly in hospital in the early hours. I was staying at his house 10 minutes away.

How can I make myself more resilient? How do I stop the examples given from triggering me?

[Anonymous]

Op, this may or may not be something you want to hear, but you fit the profile of many who have found a calling working in retirement facilities. They found meaning, they found relationships, and were able to relate to the elderly.

[Anonymous]

You can have my mom. If I ever needed something I’d never call her.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone. My dad died when I was 25 and my mom died when I was 45. Losing my dad that young did mess me up for a while (my sibling too - he dropped out of college). My mom I had a bit more time to say goodbye but more time with her as an adult and it is a different sort of sadness. I really do miss them deeply. Both had late diagnosed cancer and pretty awful endings.

[Anonymous]

It’s because you don’t have kids (I don’t mean it in a mean way; just that parents usually have their hands full and not much time for all the vague regrets and nostalgia).

[Anonymous]

Also, my dad is an easy parent but I am 47 and honestly it’s becoming a lot of work for me to even look out for him. I am lucky because I have enough time for him but I can’t imagine how difficult it would be if I had a large family and/or a busy career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can have my mom. If I ever needed something I’d never call her.

Honestly, do you think this is helpful to OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s because you don’t have kids (I don’t mean it in a mean way; just that parents usually have their hands full and not much time for all the vague regrets and nostalgia).

I agree.

I have a living mother. She sucks. When I had my kids and saw young mothers with their own mothers around and supporting them, I had fleeting moments of feeling bad about it. Not the hand I was dealt. You have to focus on what you do have in your life and if you don't have what you want and you're lonely, look for ways to improve things.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. I also have a small family and remind myself that more siblings doesn’t necessarily equal happiness.

I recommend therapy and perhaps seeking a group where you can develop close relationships.

The triggering events you see may not be all they seem. I’ve taken my abusive mother out for lunch. Perhaps you saw someone like me and thought we were happy. But I never really had a mother due to her depression, anxiety, and personality disorder. Same goes for my mentally ill sibling. They mostly bring me stress and anxiety and negatively affect my health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can have my mom. If I ever needed something I’d never call her.

Honestly, do you think this is helpful to OP?

I didn't write this but yes, it is. It helps her to realize that she's romanticizing and lots of people don't have what she apparently has spent 25 years wishing for and still makes her feel bad for hours at a time. Who knows what her mother would be like if she was still alive. Coulda, woulda, shoulda, and why me for years on end is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 55-year old woman. Married, no kids.

My parents died young, both from illnesses.

I was 31 when my mother died, and 40 when my father passed away.

I don't have siblings.

I feel that I'm still struggling with my parents' deaths in certain areas of my life. I feel jealousy whenever I see women (or men) my age on an outing with their parents, for instance.
Or a mother and daughter having a chat in a coffee shop over coffee and a slice of cake. Simple things.

Or MIL and SIL going out for brunch.

Or a friend showing me pictures of her elderly mother on her cell phone.

Things like these can affect my mood for a couple of hours. I get sad and listless and I withdraw.

I am very happily married but I still feel lonely a lot of the time.

I also never had an opportunity to say a proper 'goodbye' to my parents, even though I was with my mom when she died.
Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly in hospital in the early hours. I was staying at his house 10 minutes away.

How can I make myself more resilient? How do I stop the examples given from triggering me?

You're not somehow "wrong" for feeling the way you do, so don't force yourself to feel otherwise. Sometime when you're a relaxed and content state, try asking yourself "Why do you feel that way?" Sometimes changing the word from "I" to "you" can put some distance so that you can actually hear what the issue is. It might just be that you never really let yourself process the emotions of loss.

The point is don't judge yourself for having emotions about this. Emotions are just visitors, here to tell you something. Many times, once they feel fully heard, they go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 55-year old woman. Married, no kids.

My parents died young, both from illnesses.

I was 31 when my mother died, and 40 when my father passed away.

I don't have siblings.

I feel that I'm still struggling with my parents' deaths in certain areas of my life. I feel jealousy whenever I see women (or men) my age on an outing with their parents, for instance.
Or a mother and daughter having a chat in a coffee shop over coffee and a slice of cake. Simple things.

Or MIL and SIL going out for brunch.

Or a friend showing me pictures of her elderly mother on her cell phone.

Things like these can affect my mood for a couple of hours. I get sad and listless and I withdraw.

I am very happily married but I still feel lonely a lot of the time.

I also never had an opportunity to say a proper 'goodbye' to my parents, even though I was with my mom when she died.
Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly in hospital in the early hours. I was staying at his house 10 minutes away.

How can I make myself more resilient? How do I stop the examples given from triggering me?

I'm going to seriously answer this question. Keep yourself busier and find more ways to give back and gain perspective. The more you are helping other people and the more connections you form, the better you will feel.

[Anonymous]

Grass is always greener. Elderly parents are a heavy burden.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for your losses. I'd say it might be worth your while to find a grief counselor to help you process this pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 55-year old woman. Married, no kids.

My parents died young, both from illnesses.

I was 31 when my mother died, and 40 when my father passed away.

I don't have siblings.

I feel that I'm still struggling with my parents' deaths in certain areas of my life. I feel jealousy whenever I see women (or men) my age on an outing with their parents, for instance.
Or a mother and daughter having a chat in a coffee shop over coffee and a slice of cake. Simple things.

Or MIL and SIL going out for brunch.

Or a friend showing me pictures of her elderly mother on her cell phone.

Things like these can affect my mood for a couple of hours. I get sad and listless and I withdraw.

I am very happily married but I still feel lonely a lot of the time.

I also never had an opportunity to say a proper 'goodbye' to my parents, even though I was with my mom when she died.
Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly in hospital in the early hours. I was staying at his house 10 minutes away.

How can I make myself more resilient? How do I stop the examples given from triggering me?

I mean this as gently as possible, but did you undergo grief counseling? It sounds like you might benefit from it, even now. Or if you went previously, maybe a seek some more? Because you don't have to live that way. It's normal to be sad, of course, but it shouldn't affect you to the point of being intrusive in your thoughts.