I get jealous of people with living parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 55-year old woman. Married, no kids.

My parents died young, both from illnesses.

I was 31 when my mother died, and 40 when my father passed away.

I don't have siblings.

I feel that I'm still struggling with my parents' deaths in certain areas of my life. I feel jealousy whenever I see women (or men) my age on an outing with their parents, for instance.
Or a mother and daughter having a chat in a coffee shop over coffee and a slice of cake. Simple things.

Or MIL and SIL going out for brunch.

Or a friend showing me pictures of her elderly mother on her cell phone.

Things like these can affect my mood for a couple of hours. I get sad and listless and I withdraw.

I am very happily married but I still feel lonely a lot of the time.

I also never had an opportunity to say a proper 'goodbye' to my parents, even though I was with my mom when she died.
Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly in hospital in the early hours. I was staying at his house 10 minutes away.

How can I make myself more resilient? How do I stop the examples given from triggering me?

I mean this as gently as possible, but did you undergo grief counseling? It sounds like you might benefit from it, even now. Or if you went previously, maybe a seek some more? Because you don't have to live that way. It's normal to be sad, of course, but it shouldn't affect you to the point of being intrusive in your thoughts.

OP here. Thank you for your feedback.

No, I have never had grief counseling.
My husband suggested it but I dismissed it at the time, thinking I would cope on my own.

I have gotten used to my parents not being around after all this time, but I still feel sad for not being able to share and celebrate special occasions or milestones like a new job, a new house, Mother's Day, the holidays, birthdays and so on.
Or just a simple chat with my mom.

I see friends posting on social media about celebratory occasions with their parents and it stings.

I have aunts, uncles and cousins and we are cordial, but not close. I sometimes feel like I don't have any close family members (I am also an only child). The people who meant a lot me (mom, dad, 4 grandparents) are dead.

[Anonymous]

It may be that you are close to or have surpassed the age at which your mom died, and that can exacerbate these feelings. A counselor couldn’t help you work through them, as other have suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grass is always greener. Elderly parents are a heavy burden.

Related: what about your in-laws OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be that you are close to or have surpassed the age at which your mom died, and that can exacerbate these feelings. A counselor couldn’t help you work through them, as other have suggested.

Yes. Mom died at age 51. I am 55.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grass is always greener. Elderly parents are a heavy burden.

Related: what about your in-laws OP?

FIL died more than a decade ago. MIL is in her 90s now, and has dementia. She is a very sweet lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grass is always greener. Elderly parents are a heavy burden.

+1

Eldercare is a lot of work and no joke. Either we lose them young or we lose them when they are old after we've given blood, sweet, and tears to do their taxes, clean up their poop, nurse them through the hospital, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can have my mom. If I ever needed something I’d never call her.

Honestly, do you think this is helpful to OP?

I didn't write this but yes, it is. It helps her to realize that she's romanticizing and lots of people don't have what she apparently has spent 25 years wishing for and still makes her feel bad for hours at a time. Who knows what her mother would be like if she was still alive. Coulda, woulda, shoulda, and why me for years on end is not healthy.

+1
I'm estranged from my parents because they have decided that they only need my brother. I'll be lucky if I get an invite to their funerals.

[Anonymous]

I recommend the podcast All There Is by Anderson Cooper

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it, and I'm sorry (I'd lost both parents by the time I was 30). Disagree with those saying that it's because you don't have kids, because I do, and what stings the most for me is seeing friends whose kids have very involved grandparents.

The flip side is that I also have friends struggling with elder care issues, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't view that with a sense of relief that I won't face it.

Agree that you might find it helpful to talk this through with someone. Wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry. I feel a lot of this too, even though I have children. I think it’s normal that you would feel a sting when seeing other people’s happy posts about time spent with their elderly parents. I do, too. What helps me is to step back and try to get some perspective from knowing that I am not the only person missing loved ones. And finding activities that help you connect with others, maybe help someone else in need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grass is always greener. Elderly parents are a heavy burden.

This. Mental and health, financial concerns, unfair burdens across siblings, guilt that you aren’t doing enough, not having time for yourself.

Op, everyone’s life has challenges. I agree with the pp who said you are romanticizing it.

I just spent Wednesday at a spa for my mother’s birthday in 2022. Yes, it took us 1.5 years to line up day care for my 83 Alzheimer dad that didn’t cancel last minute, my work and family obligations and make sure everyone was healthy enough to enjoy it.

I’m sorry you lost your parents so young, but it doesn’t always get better.

[Anonymous]

My friends and I say, when we had our parents we *always* had someone who wanted to hear about our day. They were going to let us talk and tell them anything, no matter how insignificant.

[Anonymous]

OP, how about this: Your Mom had been living without her own Mom. Probably for many years. She was sad too, without her Mother. There is no reason to think she missed her Mom any less then than you miss your Mom now. She missed her terribly. They are now reunited. Try to be happy for that little girl who is now reunited with her Mother. You will be too, someday.

In the meantime, the last thing your Mother would want for you, is for you to suffer. She raised you strong. She hoped to succeed at raising you strong. That is what she wanted for you. Honor her. Honor her by living your best life. That is what she wanted for you.

[Anonymous]

I get jealous of people with loving, kind parents, alive or dead.

My parents are alive but they are a source of pain. I don't wish them dead, I just wish I'd had parents who wanted me and cared about in any capacity.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard OP. I feel some of what you feel even though my parents are alive. I have a tiny family (one first cousin, one sibling with no kids all grandparents died either before I was born or by the time I was 5 etc). And because my parents have been divorced holidays were always hard. My dad married someone who resents the fact he has children so he has been distant since I was a teen. My mother is highly dependent on me and now with Alzheimer’s so while I see her she hasn’t ever really been a stable parent. So I’ve craved having a reliable parent figure for decades but never had one and was parentified by age 14.

Therapy has helped some (and helped me overcome all this enough to get married later in life) but I also feel that I’m replicating all this in my own small family. My kids would benefit from a wider circle of loving people and we don’t have it, esp as we moved and are starting over.

Loneliness is hard whether it is because you lost loving parents or never really had them.

This may sound lame but getting a dog had helped me. She brings love into our small home.