I can’t stand flaky parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is kind of a funny thread because I am somewhat flaky (working on it) and I have difficulty having friendships with people who are anxious. It boggles my mind how many parents talk about their own anxiety and have kids who also have anxiety. It is also very stressful (for me) to be around them (eg wanting to finalize RSVPs over a month before a birthday; wanting things to be perfect / taking on too much / have difficulty being straightforward) but I’m sure it’s equally tough for the to be friends with me!

OP here. Time is valuable and precious. Wasting someone else’s time is disrespectful and rude. We would not be friends.

I am not an anxious person at all. I do throw well attended parties. I’m throwing a party this weekend and also another party next weekend. I don’t care so much if people are coming and going to our parties since there will be a lot of people.

My friends are not flaky. I have to deal with wishy washy, flaky and unpunctual parents. That is what drives me crazy. I’m always thinking I wish I didn’t have to associate with this person but I’m stuck with her because Mary is in the same class as DD and they want to hang out.

Honestly, you sound very Type A / perfectionist, so no, we would not be friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up my best friend had the flakiest mom. It drove my parents nuts, like we would call to ask why she wasn’t over at the scheduled time and the mom would say “oh we’re just getting up and going!” Like it was no big deal to be an hour late. We would kind of laugh it off.

But I LOVED going to their house. The mom was so fun, she would sing broadway songs and dance and come up with all these random amazing things for us to do. She was kind of crazy but in a really really fun way. It was also why she never had her sh*t together. But as a kid it was all part of seeing and understanding that there are many ways to be and people have different strengths and weaknesses!

Love that your lesson learned was not that one was bad vs good, but that there are different ways to be and different experiences associated with each.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is kind of a funny thread because I am somewhat flaky (working on it) and I have difficulty having friendships with people who are anxious. It boggles my mind how many parents talk about their own anxiety and have kids who also have anxiety. It is also very stressful (for me) to be around them (eg wanting to finalize RSVPs over a month before a birthday; wanting things to be perfect / taking on too much / have difficulty being straightforward) but I’m sure it’s equally tough for the to be friends with me!

OP here. Time is valuable and precious. Wasting someone else’s time is disrespectful and rude. We would not be friends.

I am not an anxious person at all. I do throw well attended parties. I’m throwing a party this weekend and also another party next weekend. I don’t care so much if people are coming and going to our parties since there will be a lot of people.

My friends are not flaky. I have to deal with wishy washy, flaky and unpunctual parents. That is what drives me crazy. I’m always thinking I wish I didn’t have to associate with this person but I’m stuck with her because Mary is in the same class as DD and they want to hang out.

I am not flaky or late, but you sound like a really uptight and judgmental person. Try to understand that not everyone is exactly like you.

[Anonymous]

I’m type A and somewhat of a perfectionist.

By now that I have three kids, a lot of things just aren’t in my control. There are a lot of variables in play with kids, house, pets, spouse that I never judge someway as being flaky. I don’t take it personally.

If they are late or can’t make something last minute, whatever, I don’t care and move on with my life. You never know when the dog is going to have diarrhea on the floor the second before walking out or when one kid just won’t get moving in the moving for whatever reason…just give people grace and let it go

[Anonymous]

Controversial opinion—
Punctual People do not like lateness, but they will tolerate lateness from someone who brings added value or status.
In other words, if the friendship or connection is more valuable to the punctual person than it is to the tardy person, then punctual person will let it slide, even though it irks her/him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m type A and somewhat of a perfectionist.

By now that I have three kids, a lot of things just aren’t in my control. There are a lot of variables in play with kids, house, pets, spouse that I never judge someway as being flaky. I don’t take it personally.

If they are late or can’t make something last minute, whatever, I don’t care and move on with my life. You never know when the dog is going to have diarrhea on the floor the second before walking out or when one kid just won’t get moving in the moving for whatever reason…just give people grace and let it go

Flakiness is a repetitive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m type A and somewhat of a perfectionist.

By now that I have three kids, a lot of things just aren’t in my control. There are a lot of variables in play with kids, house, pets, spouse that I never judge someway as being flaky. I don’t take it personally.

If they are late or can’t make something last minute, whatever, I don’t care and move on with my life. You never know when the dog is going to have diarrhea on the floor the second before walking out or when one kid just won’t get moving in the moving for whatever reason…just give people grace and let it go

I don’t think OP is considering one-off or even two-off emergencies as habitual lateness. And you can tell bc a normally-punctual person would text on the way with an apology, and then begin the encounter with a frazzled explanation of how the dog had an accident just as they were leaving…

OP is talking about someone who is consistently 10-20 minutes late with no explanation, or who *always* texts five minutes before (or at time of) agreed-upon meeting to say “traffic, there in 10” or “running late for our 4:00, but I’ll be there by 4:15”….once or twice is not a pattern. But I have one friends and two work associates who do this so frequently that I am now reasonably confident that a 1:00 meetup will be 1:30…and I plan accordingly or don’t make plans with them at all if a late start won’t fit my schedule that day

[Anonymous]

The people that are seriously bothered by this- in the setting of playdates, parenting stuff, have anxiety issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m type A and somewhat of a perfectionist.

By now that I have three kids, a lot of things just aren’t in my control. There are a lot of variables in play with kids, house, pets, spouse that I never judge someway as being flaky. I don’t take it personally.

If they are late or can’t make something last minute, whatever, I don’t care and move on with my life. You never know when the dog is going to have diarrhea on the floor the second before walking out or when one kid just won’t get moving in the moving for whatever reason…just give people grace and let it go

I don’t think OP is considering one-off or even two-off emergencies as habitual lateness. And you can tell bc a normally-punctual person would text on the way with an apology, and then begin the encounter with a frazzled explanation of how the dog had an accident just as they were leaving…

OP is talking about someone who is consistently 10-20 minutes late with no explanation, or who *always* texts five minutes before (or at time of) agreed-upon meeting to say “traffic, there in 10” or “running late for our 4:00, but I’ll be there by 4:15”….once or twice is not a pattern. But I have one friends and two work associates who do this so frequently that I am now reasonably confident that a 1:00 meetup will be 1:30…and I plan accordingly or don’t make plans with them at all if a late start won’t fit my schedule that day

OP here. I am totally fine with 10-15 min late. There is traffic. Kid has to use restroom. That is acceptable.

I’m talking about people who cancel AFTER the meeting time and then my kid is disappointed. Or we know this one mom who will pick a date and no time and no location and just expects us to be free the entire day. Then she finally agrees to a time and then tries to change it a few hours later. Or she will throw out a date and time and never confirm. If my kid didn’t like hers so much, I would not even bother.

I have 3 kids. I don’t have to deal with my older kids’ parents anymore since everything is drop off. My oldest has a friend whose parents are divorced and not good communicators. The kid is wonderful and we just pick him up and drive him. I have been driving and paying for this kid for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people that are seriously bothered by this- in the setting of playdates, parenting stuff, have anxiety issues.

Op here. I am not an anxious person at all. If we have plans for 2-3 hours and you cancel after our meeting time, I have a problem with that. I also have a problem with people who are 1-2 HOURS late.

I have a group of friends who are even more punctual than I am. I actually like hanging out with them because they are extremely reliable. They plans moms night out or trips and good planners. It is nice to know that if we pick a date to have dinner, I know they will be there and on time. Over the years, other friends drift apart. I won’t initiate with a person who cancels often. I’m not talking once in a while but if you cancel or postpone all the time, I’m not keeping a time slot for you. I will still invite them a party we are having or if they invite us to a gathering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up my best friend had the flakiest mom. It drove my parents nuts, like we would call to ask why she wasn’t over at the scheduled time and the mom would say “oh we’re just getting up and going!” Like it was no big deal to be an hour late. We would kind of laugh it off.

But I LOVED going to their house. The mom was so fun, she would sing broadway songs and dance and come up with all these random amazing things for us to do. She was kind of crazy but in a really really fun way. It was also why she never had her sh*t together. But as a kid it was all part of seeing and understanding that there are many ways to be and people have different strengths and weaknesses!

OP here. My childhood best friend had a mom like that. I loved going to their house as a kid. The mom let us eat junk food and watch tv. The mom was fun and pretty and had every eyeshadow and hair product. This was back in the eighties. My mom thought they were bad influences because the mom was a single mom and had a lot of different guys in the house. I used to think my mom was uptight and maybe jealous. In hindsight, I think the mom was high or drunk most of the time. My friend had to live with different men and moved quite a few times. One day, she had a new stepbrother. The mom was on husband number six at the time of my friend’s wedding. The cool mom I liked so much as a child had way too much plastic surgery and definitely was high at the wedding. She was not so cool as I remember.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people that are seriously bothered by this- in the setting of playdates, parenting stuff, have anxiety issues.

Op here. I am not an anxious person at all. If we have plans for 2-3 hours and you cancel after our meeting time, I have a problem with that. I also have a problem with people who are 1-2 HOURS late.

I have a group of friends who are even more punctual than I am. I actually like hanging out with them because they are extremely reliable. They plans moms night out or trips and good planners. It is nice to know that if we pick a date to have dinner, I know they will be there and on time. Over the years, other friends drift apart. I won’t initiate with a person who cancels often. I’m not talking once in a while but if you cancel or postpone all the time, I’m not keeping a time slot for you. I will still invite them a party we are having or if they invite us to a gathering.

Well good news, soon your kids will be able to gravitate to their own preferred punctuality friend groups and it won’t be your problem any more! It’s fine to prefer rigourously punctual people (I’m a little more relaxed than you but also generally don’t prefer people who run on the scale of hours late) but I don’t see anything morally wrong with friend groups that are slapdash about meetups if it works for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people that are seriously bothered by this- in the setting of playdates, parenting stuff, have anxiety issues.

Op here. I am not an anxious person at all. If we have plans for 2-3 hours and you cancel after our meeting time, I have a problem with that. I also have a problem with people who are 1-2 HOURS late.

I have a group of friends who are even more punctual than I am. I actually like hanging out with them because they are extremely reliable. They plans moms night out or trips and good planners. It is nice to know that if we pick a date to have dinner, I know they will be there and on time. Over the years, other friends drift apart. I won’t initiate with a person who cancels often. I’m not talking once in a while but if you cancel or postpone all the time, I’m not keeping a time slot for you. I will still invite them a party we are having or if they invite us to a gathering.

Why does this bother you so much? So they don’t end up meeting you at the park or museum or wherever. Big deal. Just move on with your day with your own plans. It isn’t like these are ultra important plans you have together and you cannot do them without this person and her kids involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people that are seriously bothered by this- in the setting of playdates, parenting stuff, have anxiety issues.

Op here. I am not an anxious person at all. If we have plans for 2-3 hours and you cancel after our meeting time, I have a problem with that. I also have a problem with people who are 1-2 HOURS late.

I have a group of friends who are even more punctual than I am. I actually like hanging out with them because they are extremely reliable. They plans moms night out or trips and good planners. It is nice to know that if we pick a date to have dinner, I know they will be there and on time. Over the years, other friends drift apart. I won’t initiate with a person who cancels often. I’m not talking once in a while but if you cancel or postpone all the time, I’m not keeping a time slot for you. I will still invite them a party we are having or if they invite us to a gathering.

Well good news, soon your kids will be able to gravitate to their own preferred punctuality friend groups and it won’t be your problem any more! It’s fine to prefer rigourously punctual people (I’m a little more relaxed than you but also generally don’t prefer people who run on the scale of hours late) but I don’t see anything morally wrong with friend groups that are slapdash about meetups if it works for them.

My kids are also good with time. They want to get to their practices and games early. They want to be on time to meet friends and go to parties so that they can maximize their hang out time.

My husband is an early person. I don’t consider myself rigid with time at all. My husband will rush me and have all three kids waiting in the car and we are often always the first ones to arrive. DH builds in traffic, parking time, etc. I often ask him why he is leaving so early. I think being with him for over 20 years has made me more punctual and upset at others.

[Anonymous]

DH and his friends are always punctual. They are all successful men who respect one another’s time.

I have a wide range of friends of women that include women who are extremely Type A who are disciplined, work out at 5am, eat healthy, look great and seem to be on top of everything to women who are complete disasters who are still fun. When I was in my twenties, I had these fun friends who never took anything seriously. They were habitually unreliable but life of the party when they arrived. Many of those old friends never married or divorced. Being late, now showing up and being flaky may be ok or tolerable in your teens or twenties. If a group of friends are going out and they are a no show, it is fine. It isn’t as fine when everyone is busy and you are left waiting or wasting your time. I don’t hang out with any of those people. This may have more to do with living in different states. These same friends flake on travel plans. I used to carve out whole weekends and they cancel after the time they are supposed to arrive. We have more money than most/all these people so they just don’t reimburse us or it was always supposed to be paid by me and they don’t care.