Question on Parent Interactions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This exact thing happened to my DD. She moved to a new group. We don’t interact with the family at all.

NP—similar happened to my DD and a group of three. But two stayed friends (my DD included) and the third goes out of her way to avoid the other two and it was very hurtful to my DD in the sudden way she actively shunned them. There was no event and no big fight that led up to this. Just an obvious desire by third girl to make her move to be with a cooler crowd. Sadly, she did not try to navigate this gradually or kindly. Simply ghosted all texts and began looking the other way in the halls of school, sitting with new group at lunch, avoiding conversation groups where the other two were gathered, and whispering and giggling to others when the other two were in the same room.
Before this happened, the 3 were nearly inseparable, and it makes me sad.

The three moms try to keep up a friendship by just ignoring this. And it is so awkward elephant.

Obviously we all are aware that third girl no longer associates with the other two and vice versa. They used to hang out with each other every weekend but now we haven’t seen their DD and Vice versa in over a year unless we accidentally run into them at a school event.
But we never talk about it. I wish I had the courage to tell third mom how hurt and upset our daughters were at how her DD handled the situation, but my fear is that she’ll just shrug and say “friendships tend ti shift at this age” as though it’s perfectly normal for her daughter to be icy to ours. They didn’t deserve that. And then there is another side of me that wonders if she has the impression that the other two are to blame, since they are still bff and it’s her daughter who is “left out” of the triangle. FWIW my DD gave me the death stare and rolled her eyes and said “there’s no way she thinks that, mom”
I will probably never bring it up. But I hate that we never discussed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a little bit of a dilemma. We have dear friends that we have known for years, and our DDs were best friends. We didn't know them from our school, but their DD came to our child’s school a couple of years ago. There was a lot of drama surrounding her DD and my DD (And my DD's friend group). In short in fighting for our friend's DD, my DD got thrown out of her group and our friend's dd got accepted. Now our friend's DD does not talk or acknowledge our DD and is pretty much super mean to our child. Other kids have said the same so I know my DD isn’t making it up or it is sided story. I am sure our friends know that things are not good with our children. I am really upset at our friend's DD but what can I do. Not my child to parent.

I am just wondering how our relationship should be with our friends. There is like an elephant in the room every time we interact. Should we still hangout. We have given space to each other for now since we know of the drama between our children, and I have no interest in talking about it unless she brings it up. Any advice is much appreciated.

Tread carefully. The bolded makes no sense. Be cordial.

It makes sense.
In fact it’s basically the plot of that Judy Blume book Blubber.
Fat girl gets made fun of by popular crowd. Semi-popular girl feels bad and sticks up for her and tells popular girl to knock it off. They start picking in semi-popular girl as the target instead….and rather than express gratitude to semi-popular girl, the fat girl joins in the teasing and gets accepted by the group.
It’s actually not that uncommon of a dynamic among teen girls. Some girls will resort to anything to be part of the in-group and avoid being the target. Even if it means throwing someone who stuck up for them under the bus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a little bit of a dilemma. We have dear friends that we have known for years, and our DDs were best friends. We didn't know them from our school, but their DD came to our child’s school a couple of years ago. There was a lot of drama surrounding her DD and my DD (And my DD's friend group). In short in fighting for our friend's DD, my DD got thrown out of her group and our friend's dd got accepted. Now our friend's DD does not talk or acknowledge our DD and is pretty much super mean to our child. Other kids have said the same so I know my DD isn’t making it up or it is sided story. I am sure our friends know that things are not good with our children. I am really upset at our friend's DD but what can I do. Not my child to parent.

I am just wondering how our relationship should be with our friends. There is like an elephant in the room every time we interact. Should we still hangout. We have given space to each other for now since we know of the drama between our children, and I have no interest in talking about it unless she brings it up. Any advice is much appreciated.

Nope. We and the parents of the other kid would be done. Fully. Completely. My kid comes first. And esp. when my DD was including the friend, to have her now excluded? F that.

We are dealing with some version of this so I feel for you and your DD.

I feel like I’m OPs position I’d need to say to the mom friend “I’m not sure how much Larla has disclosed to you about what’s going on at school…but DD is pretty upset. It seems DD stuck up for Larla so that their friends would include her, and now those friends are no longer speaking to DD because of it, but are now including Larla. I think DD doesn’t really know what to do about it, but she is pretty hurt that the Larla and the group are now excluding her. Girl friendships can be so complicated, but I’m hoping you and I can at least help DD and Larla navigate how they can repair this.”

Awkward but at least it will be out in the open and if she wants to help, then you can still be friends.
If not then you know you tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a little bit of a dilemma. We have dear friends that we have known for years, and our DDs were best friends. We didn't know them from our school, but their DD came to our child’s school a couple of years ago. There was a lot of drama surrounding her DD and my DD (And my DD's friend group). In short in fighting for our friend's DD, my DD got thrown out of her group and our friend's dd got accepted. Now our friend's DD does not talk or acknowledge our DD and is pretty much super mean to our child. Other kids have said the same so I know my DD isn’t making it up or it is sided story. I am sure our friends know that things are not good with our children. I am really upset at our friend's DD but what can I do. Not my child to parent.

I am just wondering how our relationship should be with our friends. There is like an elephant in the room every time we interact. Should we still hangout. We have given space to each other for now since we know of the drama between our children, and I have no interest in talking about it unless she brings it up. Any advice is much appreciated.

Nope. We and the parents of the other kid would be done. Fully. Completely. My kid comes first. And esp. when my DD was including the friend, to have her now excluded? F that.

We are dealing with some version of this so I feel for you and your DD.

I feel like I’m OPs position I’d need to say to the mom friend “I’m not sure how much Larla has disclosed to you about what’s going on at school…but DD is pretty upset. It seems DD stuck up for Larla so that their friends would include her, and now those friends are no longer speaking to DD because of it, but are now including Larla. I think DD doesn’t really know what to do about it, but she is pretty hurt that the Larla and the group are now excluding her. Girl friendships can be so complicated, but I’m hoping you and I can at least help DD and Larla navigate how they can repair this.”

Awkward but at least it will be out in the open and if she wants to help, then you can still be friends.
If not then you know you tried.

Don't do that. You are getting way too involved! I'd back off the friendship for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a little bit of a dilemma. We have dear friends that we have known for years, and our DDs were best friends. We didn't know them from our school, but their DD came to our child’s school a couple of years ago. There was a lot of drama surrounding her DD and my DD (And my DD's friend group). In short in fighting for our friend's DD, my DD got thrown out of her group and our friend's dd got accepted. Now our friend's DD does not talk or acknowledge our DD and is pretty much super mean to our child. Other kids have said the same so I know my DD isn’t making it up or it is sided story. I am sure our friends know that things are not good with our children. I am really upset at our friend's DD but what can I do. Not my child to parent.

I am just wondering how our relationship should be with our friends. There is like an elephant in the room every time we interact. Should we still hangout. We have given space to each other for now since we know of the drama between our children, and I have no interest in talking about it unless she brings it up. Any advice is much appreciated.

Nope. We and the parents of the other kid would be done. Fully. Completely. My kid comes first. And esp. when my DD was including the friend, to have her now excluded? F that.

We are dealing with some version of this so I feel for you and your DD.

I feel like I’m OPs position I’d need to say to the mom friend “I’m not sure how much Larla has disclosed to you about what’s going on at school…but DD is pretty upset. It seems DD stuck up for Larla so that their friends would include her, and now those friends are no longer speaking to DD because of it, but are now including Larla. I think DD doesn’t really know what to do about it, but she is pretty hurt that the Larla and the group are now excluding her. Girl friendships can be so complicated, but I’m hoping you and I can at least help DD and Larla navigate how they can repair this.”

Awkward but at least it will be out in the open and if she wants to help, then you can still be friends.
If not then you know you tried.

Don't do that. You are getting way too involved! I'd back off the friendship for now.

Maybe so. But if you’re planning to nuke the friendship anyway by ceasing to hang out with this good friend, don’t you owe the courtesy of an explanation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a little bit of a dilemma. We have dear friends that we have known for years, and our DDs were best friends. We didn't know them from our school, but their DD came to our child’s school a couple of years ago. There was a lot of drama surrounding her DD and my DD (And my DD's friend group). In short in fighting for our friend's DD, my DD got thrown out of her group and our friend's dd got accepted. Now our friend's DD does not talk or acknowledge our DD and is pretty much super mean to our child. Other kids have said the same so I know my DD isn’t making it up or it is sided story. I am sure our friends know that things are not good with our children. I am really upset at our friend's DD but what can I do. Not my child to parent.

I am just wondering how our relationship should be with our friends. There is like an elephant in the room every time we interact. Should we still hangout. We have given space to each other for now since we know of the drama between our children, and I have no interest in talking about it unless she brings it up. Any advice is much appreciated.

Nope. We and the parents of the other kid would be done. Fully. Completely. My kid comes first. And esp. when my DD was including the friend, to have her now excluded? F that.

We are dealing with some version of this so I feel for you and your DD.

I feel like I’m OPs position I’d need to say to the mom friend “I’m not sure how much Larla has disclosed to you about what’s going on at school…but DD is pretty upset. It seems DD stuck up for Larla so that their friends would include her, and now those friends are no longer speaking to DD because of it, but are now including Larla. I think DD doesn’t really know what to do about it, but she is pretty hurt that the Larla and the group are now excluding her. Girl friendships can be so complicated, but I’m hoping you and I can at least help DD and Larla navigate how they can repair this.”

Awkward but at least it will be out in the open and if she wants to help, then you can still be friends.
If not then you know you tried.

Don't do that. You are getting way too involved! I'd back off the friendship for now.

I wouldn’t be as nice as the PP.
I’d say “wish things weren’t so strained with the girls, but I’m sure you’ll understand that DD is pretty upset with how Larla and the other girls are treating her, and we need to be supportive of her, so I won’t be able to see you for a while.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be friends with these people. My child comes first, and a rando parent friendship is no great loss to ponder.

This

Unless you’re a prime cast candidate for Real Housewives of Whatever City no need to engage or even have this on your radar.

[Anonymous]

Staying friends with this family sends the wrong message to your DD. You need to demonstrate that you prioritize her and have her back. Don't even try to talk to them about this. It won't fix the situation and could make it worse for your DD. Just be cordial if you see them at school events but don't socialize with them.

Help your DD join other clubs and activities to make new friends. Support her with finding friends who treat her well. These mean girl groups all turn on each other and girls are constantly forced to find new friends. It's not good for their self esteem to have friends who they can't trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staying friends with this family sends the wrong message to your DD. You need to demonstrate that you prioritize her and have her back. Don't even try to talk to them about this. It won't fix the situation and could make it worse for your DD. Just be cordial if you see them at school events but don't socialize with them.

Help your DD join other clubs and activities to make new friends. Support her with finding friends who treat her well. These mean girl groups all turn on each other and girls are constantly forced to find new friends. It's not good for their self esteem to have friends who they can't trust.

I forgot to add that these ES and even some early MS friendships are often organized by the parents. You think these other parents (especially moms) are your BFF's for life. But then it all changes in MS. The girl groups implode and the parent groups do too. These are friendships of convenience. Maybe you'll keep one or two families as lifelong friends, but often it's zero. It's best if you find your own friends that aren't base don your child's friends.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation. My DD said she doesn't care if I still take my usual walks or coffee with the mom I'm friends with. Said "it's not her who's being mean."

But when I asked if I could ask my friend about the situation, she absolutely, positively one hundred percent does not want me to get involved. And I kind of agree with her point. My DD is not suddenly going to become popular enough for the other girl to include her, so it's not like her mom should or could force her to be friends with mine. Thankfully the school is big enough that DD is getting to know some other nerdy kids, for lack of a better term. That helps cushion the blow. If it were a tiny school, I don't know what we'd do.

I don't think it "sends the wrong message" if I still see the mom socially. It shows that we don't judge or exclude people based on the actions of their family members or friends. I think that's okay.

[Anonymous]

If you are good friends with an adult, it seems the first step is having a conversation with the adult about the fact your children have strife. I am not saying they or you can or should try and make the children friends again. But if the adult friendship is actually a friendship then the adults need to agree how to proceed with their adult friendship with the kids in conflict. If the friend’s child is a bully or malicious then that will of course influence the friendship depending on how the adult friends are attempting to teach kindness, or not. Personally, I do judge my friends on their parenting values in so far as I do not want to be friends with someone how does not teach kindness but I do not judge them on their parenting success meaning if they are trying to parent kind kids but despite their attempts their kids are jerks.

[Anonymous]

this has been eye opening, OP and PPs. We only have one DD (tween) and a family we thought were our "besties" ghosted us. My DD has taken it in stride, and I am so proud of her. For me it feels like a real breakup.

This was 100% the other parents' decision, nothing happened between the kids. I feel the mom is like the mean girl in the movie and mentioned here. Upgraded friendships and ignoring those who knew them back when.

But it's good to know that a lot of friends/families flow in and out of friendships. And make our own friends, don't rely on your kids friends and their parents to make your village.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this has been eye opening, OP and PPs. We only have one DD (tween) and a family we thought were our "besties" ghosted us. My DD has taken it in stride, and I am so proud of her. For me it feels like a real breakup.

This was 100% the other parents' decision, nothing happened between the kids. I feel the mom is like the mean girl in the movie and mentioned here. Upgraded friendships and ignoring those who knew them back when.

But it's good to know that a lot of friends/families flow in and out of friendships. And make our own friends, don't rely on your kids friends and their parents to make your village.

This is really good advice.

[Anonymous]

NP and I have experience with this too and missed the now-obvious signs that other child was trying to pull away. DD and friend used to play on a competitive travel team together. After 3rd season, the other child decided to join the only travel team that my DD had not tried out for. At the time, I naively believed the simple explanation that other child just really liked the coaching there and was “torn” because she wouldn’t be with DD. That made sense to me, even though I knew my DD just wanted to play on a team with her friend. DD showed support for her friend with congratulations, but almost immediately afterward, there was a shift in how friend treated DD at school and beyond. Friend dropped DD, stopped responding to texts, and never looked back. The mom tries to keep up the mom-ship and I respond when texted but it’s awkward to never speak of it when I want to tell her how my daughter cried and cried at the friendship loss. DD has lovely friends now but I still consider it an unnecessary hurt. Girls need more coaching on how to be gracious to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar situation. My DD said she doesn't care if I still take my usual walks or coffee with the mom I'm friends with. Said "it's not her who's being mean."

But when I asked if I could ask my friend about the situation, she absolutely, positively one hundred percent does not want me to get involved. And I kind of agree with her point. My DD is not suddenly going to become popular enough for the other girl to include her, so it's not like her mom should or could force her to be friends with mine. Thankfully the school is big enough that DD is getting to know some other nerdy kids, for lack of a better term. That helps cushion the blow. If it were a tiny school, I don't know what we'd do.

I don't think it "sends the wrong message" if I still see the mom socially. It shows that we don't judge or exclude people based on the actions of their family members or friends. I think that's okay.

I see it this way and agree with all of this.