Question on Parent Interactions

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar scenario except I'm not friends with the queen bee's parents. That's the new girl and I've only met them in passing. I am friends with the parents of the girls who are following her and edging out my daughter and maybe one other girl.

I am at a loss for how to act around the other parents who I've known since kindergarten. I skipped the last get together because I didn't trust that I could keep my mouth shut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a little bit of a dilemma. We have dear friends that we have known for years, and our DDs were best friends. We didn't know them from our school, but their DD came to our child’s school a couple of years ago. There was a lot of drama surrounding her DD and my DD (And my DD's friend group). In short in fighting for our friend's DD, my DD got thrown out of her group and our friend's dd got accepted. Now our friend's DD does not talk or acknowledge our DD and is pretty much super mean to our child. Other kids have said the same so I know my DD isn’t making it up or it is sided story. I am sure our friends know that things are not good with our children. I am really upset at our friend's DD but what can I do. Not my child to parent.

I am just wondering how our relationship should be with our friends. There is like an elephant in the room every time we interact. Should we still hangout. We have given space to each other for now since we know of the drama between our children, and I have no interest in talking about it unless she brings it up. Any advice is much appreciated.

Tread carefully. The bolded makes no sense. Be cordial.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I say pull back from the adult friendship for a while, but no need to totally ice them out. Same for PP who is friends with the moms of the friends edging her daughter out. The goal is to avoid having the daughter think: "Wow, these people (/person) who I thought I was friends with at school won't talk to me now for no reason, and my mom doesn't seem to care because she is still friends with all of the girls' parents, which means she must not be standing up for me." An occasional text or email with the parents of the other girls isn't going to make your daughter think this (she probably won't even know about that), but regularly hanging out with them will.

[Anonymous]

Are these friends you had previous to children or you are friends through your kids?

I think the first group you try to salvage and keep the friendship thread up loosely and time will pass and then you can reconnect. If it's the second group, you distance and see what happens and likely the friendship is over.

I have seen these types of issues implode so many friendships over the years. In general I think it's always so important to know that you do not know the full story. You just don't. The likely scenario is that mistakes were made by all and the likely scenario is they don't see things quite the way you do or your daughter does. And you just need to know you don't know everything that happened and probably her parents don't either. You're both getting the filter of your own child. I think it is super important to always remember that. A lot of times the kid that gets "dumped" from the group is seen as the straight up victim and the one who ends up on top socially (for the time being) is seen as squarely wrong. The reality is probably more complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a little bit of a dilemma. We have dear friends that we have known for years, and our DDs were best friends. We didn't know them from our school, but their DD came to our child’s school a couple of years ago. There was a lot of drama surrounding her DD and my DD (And my DD's friend group). In short in fighting for our friend's DD, my DD got thrown out of her group and our friend's dd got accepted. Now our friend's DD does not talk or acknowledge our DD and is pretty much super mean to our child. Other kids have said the same so I know my DD isn’t making it up or it is sided story. I am sure our friends know that things are not good with our children. I am really upset at our friend's DD but what can I do. Not my child to parent.

I am just wondering how our relationship should be with our friends. There is like an elephant in the room every time we interact. Should we still hangout. We have given space to each other for now since we know of the drama between our children, and I have no interest in talking about it unless she brings it up. Any advice is much appreciated.

Tread carefully. The bolded makes no sense. Be cordial.

Yes a lot of gaps missing in this story. I agree tread carefully in terms of asserting what you think happened if and when that comes up. But also, no you don't need to be friends with them anymore. I get it in your position it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are these friends you had previous to children or you are friends through your kids?

I think the first group you try to salvage and keep the friendship thread up loosely and time will pass and then you can reconnect. If it's the second group, you distance and see what happens and likely the friendship is over.

I have seen these types of issues implode so many friendships over the years. In general I think it's always so important to know that you do not know the full story. You just don't. The likely scenario is that mistakes were made by all and the likely scenario is they don't see things quite the way you do or your daughter does. And you just need to know you don't know everything that happened and probably her parents don't either. You're both getting the filter of your own child. I think it is super important to always remember that. A lot of times the kid that gets "dumped" from the group is seen as the straight up victim and the one who ends up on top socially (for the time being) is seen as squarely wrong. The reality is probably more complicated.

I agree it's always more complicated, but in the end it doesn't really matter in terms of course of action. It'd be pretty awkward to socialize a lot with someone whose child has a tense relationship with yours, or whose relationship has shifted. There is usually someone with hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

I remain good friends with a parent whose kid does not get along with mine. It really depends on how good your friendship is with the other person. If I am being honest, I do not like my friend's kid very much. He's mean to his parents as well! But I do like my friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these friends you had previous to children or you are friends through your kids?

I think the first group you try to salvage and keep the friendship thread up loosely and time will pass and then you can reconnect. If it's the second group, you distance and see what happens and likely the friendship is over.

I have seen these types of issues implode so many friendships over the years. In general I think it's always so important to know that you do not know the full story. You just don't. The likely scenario is that mistakes were made by all and the likely scenario is they don't see things quite the way you do or your daughter does. And you just need to know you don't know everything that happened and probably her parents don't either. You're both getting the filter of your own child. I think it is super important to always remember that. A lot of times the kid that gets "dumped" from the group is seen as the straight up victim and the one who ends up on top socially (for the time being) is seen as squarely wrong. The reality is probably more complicated.

I agree it's always more complicated, but in the end it doesn't really matter in terms of course of action. It'd be pretty awkward to socialize a lot with someone whose child has a tense relationship with yours, or whose relationship has shifted. There is usually someone with hurt feelings.

DP. Of course it matters. You don't drop friends because your kids don't get along, that doesn't make sense. If the friendship was just because the kids were friends, then I agree that the friendship can pause for a bit. But it's not clear from the OP which this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a little bit of a dilemma. We have dear friends that we have known for years, and our DDs were best friends. We didn't know them from our school, but their DD came to our child’s school a couple of years ago. There was a lot of drama surrounding her DD and my DD (And my DD's friend group). In short in fighting for our friend's DD, my DD got thrown out of her group and our friend's dd got accepted. Now our friend's DD does not talk or acknowledge our DD and is pretty much super mean to our child. Other kids have said the same so I know my DD isn’t making it up or it is sided story. I am sure our friends know that things are not good with our children. I am really upset at our friend's DD but what can I do. Not my child to parent.

I am just wondering how our relationship should be with our friends. There is like an elephant in the room every time we interact. Should we still hangout. We have given space to each other for now since we know of the drama between our children, and I have no interest in talking about it unless she brings it up. Any advice is much appreciated.

Nope. We and the parents of the other kid would be done. Fully. Completely. My kid comes first. And esp. when my DD was including the friend, to have her now excluded? F that.

We are dealing with some version of this so I feel for you and your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a little bit of a dilemma. We have dear friends that we have known for years, and our DDs were best friends. We didn't know them from our school, but their DD came to our child’s school a couple of years ago. There was a lot of drama surrounding her DD and my DD (And my DD's friend group). In short in fighting for our friend's DD, my DD got thrown out of her group and our friend's dd got accepted. Now our friend's DD does not talk or acknowledge our DD and is pretty much super mean to our child. Other kids have said the same so I know my DD isn’t making it up or it is sided story. I am sure our friends know that things are not good with our children. I am really upset at our friend's DD but what can I do. Not my child to parent.

I am just wondering how our relationship should be with our friends. There is like an elephant in the room every time we interact. Should we still hangout. We have given space to each other for now since we know of the drama between our children, and I have no interest in talking about it unless she brings it up. Any advice is much appreciated.

Tread carefully. The bolded makes no sense. Be cordial.

Huh? OFC it makes sense. DD's friend is now included. And appears to have poisoned the well with the old friend group that OPs DD introduced her to. This is straight out of the Mean Girl Playbook and it means the friend's DD is a little a$$hole.

[Anonymous]

One of my kids stopped wanting to be friends with the DC of our family friends after a really long time. It's sad for me, too, and I'm embarrassed by it. I feel my own DC is being disloyal to a long friendship but social pressure in the teen years is real. I wanted them to remain friends but I also understand why they're not. So don't blame the parents -- they may wish your DDs were still friends, too.

[Anonymous]

There is always 3 sides of the story OP and you only have 1

[Anonymous]

I will never ever understand why people become friends with their kid’s friends parents. It’s so weird

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my kids stopped wanting to be friends with the DC of our family friends after a really long time. It's sad for me, too, and I'm embarrassed by it. I feel my own DC is being disloyal to a long friendship but social pressure in the teen years is real. I wanted them to remain friends but I also understand why they're not. So don't blame the parents -- they may wish your DDs were still friends, too.

You feel your DC is being disloyal because you want to be friends with their parents. Do you realize how ick that sounds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never ever understand why people become friends with their kid’s friends parents. It’s so weird

It’s out of convenience.