Where to place a high functioning autistic adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Today after having another screaming match that resulted in him putting himself in a small crawl space under my stairs to calm down he agreed to a session with a psychologist to work on stress and coping skills but we’ll see as the appointment gets closer. I suspect he will ultimately refuse to go and I don’t have guardianship over him. His bizarre logic is that I stress him out and that any normal person would do what he did. So far after reassessing the kitchen I’ve added up at least $1200 worth of damage not including an awful time cleaning the powder from the fire extinguisher which went everywhere. When I asked about him moving out yesterday and offering to pay for his apartment with an aide he told me he will not be leaving, he hates me and hopes I suffer with his presence and that if anyone leaves it will be me. Unfortunately there is no psych unit attached to the police department where I am and he will just go to jail without resources. I’ve also started calling group homes but of course they are all full or incredibly expensive.

That is a really scary statement. There is no way I could keep living with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His bizarre logic is that I stress him out and that any normal person would do what he did. So far after reassessing the kitchen I’ve added up at least $1200 worth of damage not including an awful time cleaning the powder from the fire extinguisher which went everywhere. When I asked about him moving out yesterday and offering to pay for his apartment with an aide he told me he will not be leaving, he hates me and hopes I suffer with his presence and that if anyone leaves it will be me.

OP I have a teen with ASD/ADHD and I can relate to all of this. My advice to you is, if your brother is willing to go to a psychologist session, find someone who has worked with clients with ASD, ADHD, and ODD behaviors. If you don't, the session could be counterproductive. Your best case scenario is to find a DBT or other therapist who can earn his trust so he would agree to work with them long term.

[Anonymous]

You need to start calling the police and setting the stage for a restraining order. You really have no choice. He is never going to voluntarily leave, but it also sounds like you will never get guardianship.

Please protect yourself. You deserve to be safe.

[Anonymous]

This sounds really difficult, OP. I’m not sure what state you are in, but reach out to your Department of Disability Services (or some similar name depending on the state) to see what resources and advice they might have. You might also check with a family law attorney to see if guardianship or something else might be helpful.

[Anonymous]

I also don’t have any suggestions but I am tearing up thinking about all you have done for your sibling and what you are going through.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel very much for you and hope you can find a safe solution for all. Some resources that occur to me as someone who has researched this:

If you are in immediate danger please call 911. Police deal with mental health issues all the time. They will have some training in this and be able to deal with the immediate issue.

If there isn't an immediate threat to life or limb but you need support in a crisis situation, call 988 and they can help you think through things.

Your state may also have a 211 number you can call and they will know about different resources that are available. I know that in my county there is something called a Family Justice Center that provides support for situations of domestic violence and they offer free counseling, legal assistance and guidance for getting a protective order.

[Anonymous]

OP, another option, if you can get him to go, is to take him to the emergency room. Depending on your state laws on this, which you can look up, the ER can do an emergency psych evaluation, and if they find he is a danger to himself or others, you may be able to get a 72 hour involuntary commitment for further evaluation, during which they may be able to convince him to take medication and/or discharge him to an alternative living arrangement.

I'm sorry. This is so hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, another option, if you can get him to go, is to take him to the emergency room. Depending on your state laws on this, which you can look up, the ER can do an emergency psych evaluation, and if they find he is a danger to himself or others, you may be able to get a 72 hour involuntary commitment for further evaluation, during which they may be able to convince him to take medication and/or discharge him to an alternative living arrangement.

I'm sorry. This is so hard.

This is the way to go. Next time he freaks out and crawls under something or tries to set the stuff in fire or is physically aggressive to you, you need to call 911. Tell them he is threatening you. Ask them to take him to the ER for a psych evaluation. Ask the ER to admit him for aggression and self-harm. (You might have to do this a couple of times before he is admitted. You might have to trigger him in the ED so they can see his problematic behavior.) Once he is admitted, tell the social worker that he needs to be discharged to supportive living and you aren’t taking him back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, another option, if you can get him to go, is to take him to the emergency room. Depending on your state laws on this, which you can look up, the ER can do an emergency psych evaluation, and if they find he is a danger to himself or others, you may be able to get a 72 hour involuntary commitment for further evaluation, during which they may be able to convince him to take medication and/or discharge him to an alternative living arrangement.

I'm sorry. This is so hard.

This is the way to go. Next time he freaks out and crawls under something or tries to set the stuff in fire or is physically aggressive to you, you need to call 911. Tell them he is threatening you. Ask them to take him to the ER for a psych evaluation. Ask the ER to admit him for aggression and self-harm. (You might have to do this a couple of times before he is admitted. You might have to trigger him in the ED so they can see his problematic behavior.) Once he is admitted, tell the social worker that he needs to be discharged to supportive living and you aren’t taking him back.

Unless he’s incompetent, which based on the posts does not appear to be the case, or has money, this won’t work. She can’t demand he leave - she has to evict him. She can try to get a protective order which would keep him away from the house. But it doesn’t get the brother into supportive living. It gets him a homeless shelter or if he can pay, a hotel. People who believe there are resources have no idea the reality of dealing with mental health problems.

[Anonymous]

OP, The county my brother lived in pressed the family to pursue guardianship. We all declined.

Reading between the lines you have done a lot over the last 10 years.

If brother won't take meds (which is legal) and won't go to doctors or therapists (which is legal) I don't see the point of taking on guardianship or medical POA.

Concentrate on taking care of you.

I'd also recommend a "go bag" stashed somewhere.

[Anonymous]

This person does not sound “high functioning”. I would not describe them that way to future facilities where you’re seeking assistance.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Can OP not report the brother tonight and get the process started? Also, if he is considered dangerous, I do not think he would qualify for a group home, which is likely the end game here. OP does have to get him out of her house ASAP.

Op, do you have kids in the house, or is it just you and your brother? Jurisdiction is important. Can you tell us where?

Also, does he ever go out and can OP not simply change the locks and get an emergency restraining order?

[Anonymous]

OP - You have given several years to trying to help your brother and he is not a child. You do need to start to put yourself and your life's quality and safety first in your planning. It may take awhile to get him out of your home legally with the tenancy rules in place.

In the meantime, if your brother has been declared disabled, he should be getting funding based on the Social Security record of your higher earning parent and at about 75% since they are dead. If he does not have this income stream, you might enlist a disabiities attorney to see if it is possible to establish this Disabled Adult Child benefit for your brother. In 24 months this would also qualify him for Medicare Health insurance for the rest of his life. At this time, again if he has been legally viewed as having a disability, he should be receiving the SSI Benefit monthly and qualifying for Medicaid and related benefits.

You can try one more time to connect him to the local agency serving those with limited incomes and mental health issues in your community. He could use a current assessment. Also see at this agency if there is any possibility to get a Case Manager or Case Worker set up for him. I know the ID side of things with a daughter with a cognitive disability and she does have a Case Manager. This person could "take over your role" of trying to connect him to local resources - number one being housing. Besides this, if there is an Adult Day Program serving those with mental illness, see if the CM could get him to give it a try as it would be covered by Medicaid. It is often called a "Club House" program.

Depending upon where you live you might also see if there is any Medicaid Waiver program that your brother would qualify for as he is diagnosed with Autism. This might provide another source of funding for long-term services such as housing with supports.

Since he is not under a guardianship order, you might also get information on any housing programs in your area, including homeless shelters as he needs an alternative setting for housing.

Many things that I have mentioned may already be in place and your brother not taking advantage of them, so even if they are then put in place, he may still be one to cycle in and out of the system until he hits rock bottom and decides to make better choices. You need therapy to be able to separate yourself physically for your safety and emotionally for your mental well-being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 30 year old adult sibling who has become increasingly violent. He began living with me after our parents died over a decade ago. He is very high functioning but does not work and chose to not attend higher education. He also has ocd, severe oppositional defiant disorder and narcissistic tendencies. He refuses to go to any therapy and when we have been able to get him to go he refuses medication. Tonight was the last straw. Because he said I was “mean” by telling him he needed to clean up the kitchen he turned to my very old dog and threw her out of the house and pushed me out of the house as well. I was wearing a robe as I had just left the shower and he pulled it off of me as he did this so I was nude outside with my dog locked out. When I got back inside after taking the hidden key outside I was irate and yelled at him so he turned the gas stove on. He then poured oil all over it. We had a small kitchen fire which destroyed my microwave and the surrounding cabinets and if I didn’t have a fire extinguisher on hand I don’t know what would have happened. He is clearly extremely dangerous to himself and others. Where do you put people like this besides jail?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 30 year old adult sibling who has become increasingly violent. He began living with me after our parents died over a decade ago. He is very high functioning but does not work and chose to not attend higher education. He also has ocd, severe oppositional defiant disorder and narcissistic tendencies. He refuses to go to any therapy and when we have been able to get him to go he refuses medication. Tonight was the last straw. Because he said I was “mean” by telling him he needed to clean up the kitchen he turned to my very old dog and threw her out of the house and pushed me out of the house as well. I was wearing a robe as I had just left the shower and he pulled it off of me as he did this so I was nude outside with my dog locked out. When I got back inside after taking the hidden key outside I was irate and yelled at him so he turned the gas stove on. He then poured oil all over it. We had a small kitchen fire which destroyed my microwave and the surrounding cabinets and if I didn’t have a fire extinguisher on hand I don’t know what would have happened. He is clearly extremely dangerous to himself and others. Where do you put people like this besides jail?

I would file a police report for attempted murder. And kick him out of the house, change the locks, install sec system.