Where to place a high functioning autistic adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 30 year old adult sibling who has become increasingly violent. He began living with me after our parents died over a decade ago. He is very high functioning but does not work and chose to not attend higher education. He also has ocd, severe oppositional defiant disorder and narcissistic tendencies. He refuses to go to any therapy and when we have been able to get him to go he refuses medication. Tonight was the last straw. Because he said I was “mean” by telling him he needed to clean up the kitchen he turned to my very old dog and threw her out of the house and pushed me out of the house as well. I was wearing a robe as I had just left the shower and he pulled it off of me as he did this so I was nude outside with my dog locked out. When I got back inside after taking the hidden key outside I was irate and yelled at him so he turned the gas stove on. He then poured oil all over it. We had a small kitchen fire which destroyed my microwave and the surrounding cabinets and if I didn’t have a fire extinguisher on hand I don’t know what would have happened. He is clearly extremely dangerous to himself and others. Where do you put people like this besides jail?

He is not as high functioning as you believe.

[Anonymous]

OP, he could kill not just your dog but YOU. You are past any hope of being a help to him. Save yourself and your pet. Your brother needs to be connected to government programs or he may become homeless. Putting your life at risk is just another possible route to jail. This is way beyond the bounds of a safe situation. Get help from a lawyer and consider moving out until he can be evicted.

[Anonymous]

This is OP again. I spoke to a few agencies today and I was just offered applications for him. He is not under a guardianship so technically he is supposed to fill them out himself but almost certainly won’t. He refused to go to the psychologist appointment I set up for him and the psychologist informed me if he does not want to participate due to his age and being legally independent she will not see him so the appointment was canceled. She had no other suggestions as he doesn’t want to participate or voluntarily leave my home.

Things had been quiet for a few weeks and then he had his tantrum. I would say every month or 2 he has had a violent and destructive outburst for the last few months. During these outbursts he threatens me not to play with him.

He does not work and has never held any job more than 2 weeks. He is also lazy and disinterested in working or having his own money or things. He is very intelligent and capable when he wants to be but just doesn’t function.

He currently receives no financial benefits and never has. He has a drivers license but does not own a car but has taken mine without permission several times.

He has malicious destroyed many things over the years including cash, jewelry, iPhones, car keys which he microwaved to destroy, appliances, windows and interior doors etc even my work laptop. I probably spend several thousand dollars a year just replacing what he takes and I know better than to get attached to things. He feels justified when doing so. He usually asks for an apology after his tantrum believing it is my fault for “pushing him to go there” and being told “next time maybe you’ll learn”.

There is simply no good place for him due to lack of available housing for special needs adults and his disinterest in seeking help or leaving. I am going to rent an apartment and just leave my house and not return for a while. Whatever happens to it I can’t control and hopefully he leaves on his own soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I spoke to a few agencies today and I was just offered applications for him. He is not under a guardianship so technically he is supposed to fill them out himself but almost certainly won’t. He refused to go to the psychologist appointment I set up for him and the psychologist informed me if he does not want to participate due to his age and being legally independent she will not see him so the appointment was canceled. She had no other suggestions as he doesn’t want to participate or voluntarily leave my home.

Things had been quiet for a few weeks and then he had his tantrum. I would say every month or 2 he has had a violent and destructive outburst for the last few months. During these outbursts he threatens me not to play with him.

He does not work and has never held any job more than 2 weeks. He is also lazy and disinterested in working or having his own money or things. He is very intelligent and capable when he wants to be but just doesn’t function.

He currently receives no financial benefits and never has. He has a drivers license but does not own a car but has taken mine without permission several times.

He has malicious destroyed many things over the years including cash, jewelry, iPhones, car keys which he microwaved to destroy, appliances, windows and interior doors etc even my work laptop. I probably spend several thousand dollars a year just replacing what he takes and I know better than to get attached to things. He feels justified when doing so. He usually asks for an apology after his tantrum believing it is my fault for “pushing him to go there” and being told “next time maybe you’ll learn”.

There is simply no good place for him due to lack of available housing for special needs adults and his disinterest in seeking help or leaving. I am going to rent an apartment and just leave my house and not return for a while. Whatever happens to it I can’t control and hopefully he leaves on his own soon.

Yes. Leave. Don’t tell him where you’re going. Leave no forwarding address. You are being abused. You are being battered. Help yourself. Protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Don’t tell him you’re leaving. That could spark another outburst. Leave at night when he’s asleep and take only a few things with you. Your pet. Needed medications. Change of clothes. Go get a hotel if you need to tonight. Get out of there.

[Anonymous]

Keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

OP- This is a wise first step in learning how to separate your life from your brother. Get things in order to go with you in terms of all legal and financial documents. You could pack as if to go on a vacation what you need. Be sure there is no way he could track your mail to know where you are so perhaps a PO Box.

You need to get a therapist to help you figure out your life plan and to deal with any guilt because your parents were unable to help him
And did not do the planning they could have to get your brother diagnosed and qualified for benefits. Or by any chance does he have a trust fund?? Give yourself time to work out a plan on what to do with getting him legally out of your home . But. Safety first.

[Anonymous]

I am glad you are finally taking action, OP.

It is long overdue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is bot high functiong despite what your late parents and you believed. He sounds fully verbal, but needing significant supports and having mental health issues on top of asd/ocd. Both he and you will be better off if he went to a group home living situation.

Since you allowed this to go on for a decade - did your parents will their estate in a way that traps you in this arrangement? Do you have a therapisr, friends, a job?

Agree, and I don't mention this to be 'woke' about the description, just that it will help you find appropriate placement. He is NOT highly functioning if he destroys things as a way to manipulate people into getting what he wants. He's dangerous and threatening. And even people with disabilities need to know that's not acceptable. If he can't learn it, then he will in fact end up in prison - ie if he does that in a group home, they will have him arrested.

[Anonymous]

Op he is not just autistic but clearly suffers from. Pathological demand avoidance and rejection sensitive dysphoria (adhd) and might be bipolar or who knows what.
I applaud you taking steps to get away from him but you need to talk to a lawyer to make sure that he doesn't bankrupt you by destroying the house, etc.
It is very unfortunate that people are no longer committed. It seems that when we see some abuse in a system (the police, psychiatric inpatient mandates) we burn the system down instead of trying to improve the system.
I'm very sorry for what you are going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t tell him you’re leaving. That could spark another outburst. Leave at night when he’s asleep and take only a few things with you. Your pet. Needed medications. Change of clothes. Go get a hotel if you need to tonight. Get out of there.

I’d be tempted to cut off all the utilities when you leave. He lies, so can you. Just say he was going to get them in his name if someone asks.

[Anonymous]

There is more than meets the eye. What $ does he live on? Who provides his health insurance? OP - do you work? Or are you tied together by your parents' inheritance/trust where you have to live with him and you are both financially provided for?

What if he burns down the house while raging after you left? It's an asset that's worth $. Do you have working fire and smoke alarms in the house?

You absolutely can call 911 during one of his tantrums and get on the record about domestic disturbance. If you need to get your trust modified, there needs to be a documented need for trustees to consider it.

Seriously, get a financial advisor, an attorney with knowledge of special needs and a therapist. If you don't know how to find these professionals, you can post on here for recommendations. If you're unable to finance consultations (going back to the question on your source of income) - there are legal clinics for free, ARC of NOVA and other places to look for support.

There is a way do sort this out. You're not the first person in the world in this situation. It will get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I spoke to a few agencies today and I was just offered applications for him. He is not under a guardianship so technically he is supposed to fill them out himself but almost certainly won’t. He refused to go to the psychologist appointment I set up for him and the psychologist informed me if he does not want to participate due to his age and being legally independent she will not see him so the appointment was canceled. She had no other suggestions as he doesn’t want to participate or voluntarily leave my home.

Things had been quiet for a few weeks and then he had his tantrum. I would say every month or 2 he has had a violent and destructive outburst for the last few months. During these outbursts he threatens me not to play with him.

He does not work and has never held any job more than 2 weeks. He is also lazy and disinterested in working or having his own money or things. He is very intelligent and capable when he wants to be but just doesn’t function.

He currently receives no financial benefits and never has. He has a drivers license but does not own a car but has taken mine without permission several times.

He has malicious destroyed many things over the years including cash, jewelry, iPhones, car keys which he microwaved to destroy, appliances, windows and interior doors etc even my work laptop. I probably spend several thousand dollars a year just replacing what he takes and I know better than to get attached to things. He feels justified when doing so. He usually asks for an apology after his tantrum believing it is my fault for “pushing him to go there” and being told “next time maybe you’ll learn”.

There is simply no good place for him due to lack of available housing for special needs adults and his disinterest in seeking help or leaving. I am going to rent an apartment and just leave my house and not return for a while. Whatever happens to it I can’t control and hopefully he leaves on his own soon.

This is a great first step - get yourself SAFE.

As soon as you are out and safe, you need to start the legal eviction process. It's not quick, and it sounds like him having no place to go may be the only catalyst to get social services further involved. I also agree with PP that the use of the language "high functioning" is going nothing but hurting his chances for the significant support he clearly needs.

[Anonymous]

I don't know where you live, OP, but if you live in Fairfax County:
https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/community-services-board/services/emergencies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I spoke to a few agencies today and I was just offered applications for him. He is not under a guardianship so technically he is supposed to fill them out himself but almost certainly won’t. He refused to go to the psychologist appointment I set up for him and the psychologist informed me if he does not want to participate due to his age and being legally independent she will not see him so the appointment was canceled. She had no other suggestions as he doesn’t want to participate or voluntarily leave my home.

Things had been quiet for a few weeks and then he had his tantrum. I would say every month or 2 he has had a violent and destructive outburst for the last few months. During these outbursts he threatens me not to play with him.

He does not work and has never held any job more than 2 weeks. He is also lazy and disinterested in working or having his own money or things. He is very intelligent and capable when he wants to be but just doesn’t function.

He currently receives no financial benefits and never has. He has a drivers license but does not own a car but has taken mine without permission several times.

He has malicious destroyed many things over the years including cash, jewelry, iPhones, car keys which he microwaved to destroy, appliances, windows and interior doors etc even my work laptop. I probably spend several thousand dollars a year just replacing what he takes and I know better than to get attached to things. He feels justified when doing so. He usually asks for an apology after his tantrum believing it is my fault for “pushing him to go there” and being told “next time maybe you’ll learn”.

There is simply no good place for him due to lack of available housing for special needs adults and his disinterest in seeking help or leaving. I am going to rent an apartment and just leave my house and not return for a while. Whatever happens to it I can’t control and hopefully he leaves on his own soon.

OP, talk to a lawyer, depending on your jurisdiction, you may lose rights to your home if you "abandon" it. You seem to be very emotional and impulsive yourself. You catalogue the things he does but don't see your role in allowing the situation to continue. A relative with a dangerous tenant put the home on the market and gave the tenant notice as required by law. Don't hand over your biggest asset without getting expert advice, that is not functioning yourself. He will likely end up in jail or homeless, you can't control that. There are few group homes and none want violent people who start fires. Why would he ever leave your home voluntarily? You need to get a lawyer and EVICT him, ideally in conjunction with selling and relocating for your safety.

I'd change your name and leave the area if possible, after selling your house. At some point your brother may seek out help, or not, it's up to him. You need to view him as a stalker who has threatened to kill you, not as someone you are co-dependent with.