Where to place a high functioning autistic adult

I am the original OP. So it happened again. He had a tantrum and every ceramic plate, dish, glass cup, wine glass, glass bakeware dishes and my entire glass spice rack was smashed to pieces on the kitchen floor because I am mean according to him. He also took antique glass picture frames and smashed them on the floor. There is at least 2 inches of broken mess on my floor. This episode is not dissimilar to when my mother was alive over a decade ago and he broke every piece of antique glass she had in a curio cabinet because he felt she wronged him in some way. He believes if he acts like a "mad man" I will do what he wants and he keeps telling me I need to be submissive to him. I called the police who told me at best they could charge him with property damage and he is considered a legal resident who will need to be legally evicted. He is free to continue destroying my home in the mean time. They left and it's as if the entire system is useless. He says he won't go anywhere and hopes to ruin my life because according to him I and our deceased parents have ruined his. He also tried telling the police I was not the owner of the house and to have me removed. A few days ago leading up to his incredible tantrum to show me the police are lacking in their response he dialed 911 twice from a cell phone shouting he needed help and hung up on them to show me if I tried calling and couldn't verbally get out an address nobody would come. He was right about that unfortunately.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.

Have you started the legal eviction process? If not, why?
He is bot high functiong despite what your late parents and you believed. He sounds fully verbal, but needing significant supports and having mental health issues on top of asd/ocd. Both he and you will be better off if he went to a group home living situation.

Since you allowed this to go on for a decade - did your parents will their estate in a way that traps you in this arrangement? Do you have a therapisr, friends, a job?
You said in January it was the last straw. What have you done to address this in the last month?
Can you escape to a home for battered women? They’re good at keeping new locations secret. And then work with a lawyer to get him evicted.
Anonymous wrote:Can you escape to a home for battered women? They’re good at keeping new locations secret. And then work with a lawyer to get him evicted.
Do you live in DC? If so, call the Communtuy response team (CRT) at DC DBH. You can Google the number. They will come and do an on site evaluation and determine if he meets criteria for an FD 12 order. If he is put on an involuntary hold this will by 72 hrs for mental health evaluation, possible introduction of mood stabilizing medication and a few days to think through a plan.
Your brother doesn't sound safe for you to live with or on his own because he deliberately starts fires and breaks things. He is delusional about life even if not literally delusional and he's made a chilling observation that 911 won't help you.

I'm sure your parents would have appreciated your efforts. You have done enough. Try to get public health resources for your brother to move out. Honestly, I would be afraid he might seek revenge unless committed. You do need advanced advice on how to cope with this.
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been through this with one of my children. Dealing with it is difficult and really unpleasant and heart wrenching.

Next time you are in a crisis, I’d call the police and file charges. They will either take him to a hospital or jail. Problem is unless he voluntarily leaves your home, you need to evict him and the time that takes and the legal process depends on your jurisdiction. In the meantime, you can file for a protective order and if successful can get him moved out of your house while the eviction is in progress. The section of your court system that deals with domestic violence likely has instructions for you on the process.

As to long term, that’s a tough issue. If he has money and/income, he can rent a room or can stay at a cheap hotel. You can also try your county social services department (I’d try adult protective services) to try to find other alternatives. Often there is a waitlist for placement, if it’s even an option.

In the meantime, make sure you always have a plan for your safety. He’s shown that he has no qualms about putting you in danger. For example, if he sets your house on fire while you’re sleeping, you need a plan to get out. If he becomes violent, you need both a plan to get out and a plan to get away - so in addition to having a house key outside you may need a car key hidden outside. Do you sleep on an upper floor such that you might need a ladder to get out? If so, get a folding one and put it where you will remember - even people who have these often don’t make it out because they don’t store it where they can easily access it in a crisis. Having a well thought out plan that you are committed to and can execute will make it more likely that you can successfully escape.

Good luck. I hope you find a solution.

I would NOT wait for next time, OP. Press charges for the incident you describe above. Your life and that of your pet are gravely at risk.
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Today after having another screaming match that resulted in him putting himself in a small crawl space under my stairs to calm down he agreed to a session with a psychologist to work on stress and coping skills but we’ll see as the appointment gets closer. I suspect he will ultimately refuse to go and I don’t have guardianship over him. His bizarre logic is that I stress him out and that any normal person would do what he did. So far after reassessing the kitchen I’ve added up at least $1200 worth of damage not including an awful time cleaning the powder from the fire extinguisher which went everywhere. When I asked about him moving out yesterday and offering to pay for his apartment with an aide he told me he will not be leaving, he hates me and hopes I suffer with his presence and that if anyone leaves it will be me. Unfortunately there is no psych unit attached to the police department where I am and he will just go to jail without resources. I’ve also started calling group homes but of course they are all full or incredibly expensive.

OP, you need to come to terms with the fact that he has made attempts on your life along with threats. Re: the 911 call, I'd consider having an alarm system installed for when he is gone, with panic buttons for now.

You have tried to help and this is where things are.

You need to have him become a problem of the state. You need to involve the state in evicting him. Then change locks and possibly also move.

You need to step out of the way, this problem is bigger than you. Letting him kill you or your pet is still not going to make him safe. Nothing will. Most group homes will not take someone who is violent or who starts fires. You need to get the government involved.

Once he is gone, you need therapy for yourself, and also check out coda.org and NAMI.
I would put together a written timeline of ALL unsafe behaviors he has engaged in to date. You want to provide a very visual, explicit timeline that represents increasing risk to you, your animal and your brothers risk to himself. You should make multiple packets that contain any relevant evaluations and diagnosis's related to your brother. Staple the information packet with the explicit timeline together and have them available near your front door. This is a proactive strategy to provide data, related to explicit risk to self and others, to policy or crisis response when they arrive to your home next. I would install locks on specific rooms in your home so that you can ensure you have 'safe rooms' to escape to. As PP'ers have suggested make sure you have escape routes (via windows) should you need to exit the room. Make sure you cellphone is charged at all times and you keep it on your person at all times. Montocmery County has a crisis response team. Look up there number and save it. Finally, there are a few therapy practices that specialize in autism. You may want to outreach them and initate therapy for yourself in order to illicit a support person to help you plan for your brother.
Just wanted to chime in again and encourage OP to seek help from a domestic violence organization. They can help you.
Anonymous wrote:I have a 30 year old adult sibling who has become increasingly violent. He began living with me after our parents died over a decade ago. He is very high functioning but does not work and chose to not attend higher education. He also has ocd, severe oppositional defiant disorder and narcissistic tendencies. He refuses to go to any therapy and when we have been able to get him to go he refuses medication. Tonight was the last straw. Because he said I was “mean” by telling him he needed to clean up the kitchen he turned to my very old dog and threw her out of the house and pushed me out of the house as well. I was wearing a robe as I had just left the shower and he pulled it off of me as he did this so I was nude outside with my dog locked out. When I got back inside after taking the hidden key outside I was irate and yelled at him so he turned the gas stove on. He then poured oil all over it. We had a small kitchen fire which destroyed my microwave and the surrounding cabinets and if I didn’t have a fire extinguisher on hand I don’t know what would have happened. He is clearly extremely dangerous to himself and others. Where do you put people like this besides jail?

What state do you live in?
Adult services including residential for individuals with DD in VA are completely voluntary so he would have to be willing to accept services if offered in the absence of a legal guardianship. And it sounds like he is not willing to accept services right now. And it sounds like he has capacity to make decisions.

My advice is to go the legal route to force him to be evicted. Then, if he is willing to accept services he would be more likely to get them offered to him.

He would need to be enrolled though and found eligible first which can take significant time especially if he does not have updated evaluations on hand. Once again though, he would need to apply and consent.

It is hard though as family to make these decisions even when it is a significant threat to you. Without outside help though, it seems like things will not get better.

OP - You have tried and your brother is beyond youer level of direct assistance. Your brother is a dually diagnosed individual with Autism and a Serious Mental Illness. As told by others, you need to work with a family law lawyer to clearly understand your rights and to have him evicted following the process whichtakes time. I hope you have taken detailed photos of all the damage he has caused and filed a report with your homeowner insurance. At least you have called the police and have a record of that. You can share the process with him so that he understands or at least has in writing the steps involved. And be sure to have him no longer contribute in any way to any household or living expenses.

He really does seem violent and you need to realize he could have so easily picked up one piece of broken glass and maimed you for life! The pressures of the unknown are only going to increase on him as eviction gets closer to I would consider if you could find an alternative place to live, especially if he does not drive and could not easily find out where you would be. One idea if in the DC area would be to become a short or long-term house sitter. It would give you a "safe house" to live in and help you to have a clear head about what you were doing.

For here and now, too, I would get a storage unit to put anything you do not need except the most basic items including furniture, clothes, keepsakes etc. because he will only continue to find things of yours to destroy. You no longer do anything directly in terms of his care - meal preparation, food shopping, laundry etc. And I would develop a routine out of the house as much as possible AND get a direct ock to your bedroom/bathroom for our safety if you must live in the house.

For your brother, if there is any counselor or individual he has ever had a positive relationship with, I might encourage the person to reach out to your brother to see a last time if there is a possibility to reconnect to his psychiatrist and therapist or to find one. Also, if he get SSDI based on his parent work record, see if you can get him on a most basic budget of like - putting so much in a savings account to build a balance for a room or apartment share once he is out of your home. Tell him you would help him sign up for any benefits due him, but you will not handle any followup. He needs a connection to the closest mental health agency that works with individuals with a dual diagnosis.

Your brother is not high functioning as he can't accept the basic fact he needs professional help in either taking medication daily, therapy etc. I am sorry to say even if he got funding why would any agency or housing program take him on when he has such dangerous behaviors towards others with fire, smashing furniture etc. So in all likelihood he will become homeless unless he can accept a hospitalization and getting medical intervention. But that is his life an no longer needs to be your life, too.

In the mean time, I would suggest getting a stroage locker for anything you value beond the most basic things you need to live --- although if you could find an alternative place to live until he is evicted that would be even better.

I would also top providing any direct services to your brother such as preparing any meals, doing laundry etc. You do not say if he has a car and can drive. If he does not have a car, then you might try to see if you could "house sit" for someone and not tell him where you will be living. Otherwise, just as calmly as you can tell him you are no longer "taking care of him" as he is an adult. If you know what he gets in SSDI from one of our parent's benefits, then you could at least "try" to suggest that he could save for the time it will take for you to get him out - and you would assume all expenses for the house - so that he could have a deposit for renting a room or other options as he may find.

About all you can do is once again try to get him in contact with his psychiatrist and therapist if he has one or try to get him connected to both. Based upon his income, you could look to see what a room near a bus line would run
Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to chime in again and encourage OP to seek help from a domestic violence organization. They can help you.

+1 this is domestic violence
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