How to get hoarder sibling to empty/sell elder’s home?

[Anonymous]

You have to come at it from a financial angle so it’s not personal. Insist that medical and tax reasons make it a priority to have this finished by X date. Back up the timeline that for house to be sold and closed by X then it needs to be on the market by Y so it needs to be cleared by Z to allow time for cleaning. Write it out and circulate it to anyone concerned (sibling, parent, etc) Stick to it.

[Anonymous]

I’d maybe just let sibling know the house has to be sold, you’re willing to have the junk haulers move the contents of the home to either their house, or to a storage unit. If storage tell them that the estate will pay the first month (or six or whatever) and the sibling can either take over the payments of the storage unit or you’ll let the storage company auction it for non-payment. Make them put their money where their mouth is. Or at least motivate them to take responsibility for the items they say they want to keep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? Tell them they have until 1/31 and on 2/1 when they haven't done it, call the junk haulers.

I will have to deal with character defamation and screaming and 10 phone calls a day so I care.

OP

OP, 10 screaming phone calls a day? And you haven’t blocked this person? And you think the family/friends don’t know sibling is a raging lunatic hoarder? No one will believe a word out of sibling’s mouth if they know them at all.
Set the date for the junk haul, let them know and consider blocking calls tonight. That is abusive behavior and no one has to put up with that.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a hoarder and has actually taken back trash bags of items I'd brought to the curb, "to sort through". Which he's never done, and they sit in our basement, which is his hoarding place, full of his other junk, 99% of which is never used. The rare times he digs out a tool or old hard drive or empty pill bottle and actually uses it for something, of course, he's triumphant. But that's not worth filling up an entire basement for. None of it is sorted. You have to climb over stuff and rotate your body like a contortionist to get to the other end of the basement.

All this to say: Hire the junk haulers.

Hoarding is a mental illness that's nearly impossible to treat. It goes hand in hand with certain profiles of combined autism/ADHD (which my husband has).

[Anonymous]

There is no way I would give 30 days notice to someone this mentally ill. I’m not sure I would give any notice at all frankly, but if did, it would be no more than a week. Add me to the list of people that don’t understand why this person isn’t blocked already.

Clearly, you have to plan to be there with legal paperwork in hand. And if sibling shows up and loses their mind, you should call the cops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would give 30 days notice to someone this mentally ill. I’m not sure I would give any notice at all frankly, but if did, it would be no more than a week. Add me to the list of people that don’t understand why this person isn’t blocked already.

Clearly, you have to plan to be there with legal paperwork in hand. And if sibling shows up and loses their mind, you should call the cops.

I’m not the OP but can empathize with their situation. It’s easy for us to armchair quarterback their situation but add in love for their sibling and all the complicated emotions that come with dealing with a situation like this and it’s not so black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? Tell them they have until 1/31 and on 2/1 when they haven't done it, call the junk haulers.

I will have to deal with character defamation and screaming and 10 phone calls a day so I care.

OP

But no matter what you do or when you do it, this is going to happen. You're looking for a way to make an irrational person rational. It's not going to happen.

You need to do what needs to be done to secure the elder's finances. Attempting to accommodate hoarder sibling is a barrier to that. If there were a squatter in the house, would you try to make them leave happily, or would you accept that they need to leave by whatever means necessary?

[Anonymous]

OP, had a similar situation. My sister (oldest in family) is a hoarder.

When my dad died and we were cleaning out his house (prior to hoarding being well-recognized as it is now) it was the first time I realized she had a problem and it was out of control. She insisted on saving an old baby food jar with rotted rubber bands in it because "there might be a good one in there."

As the second POA, I had to step in and engage with the attorney after a year trying to get estate settled. My sister was incapable of it. To this day, she still has rusted, rotten items from my father's estate in her garage. It's been more than 20 years.

Same happened when our mother died.

Throughout both these experiences, sister was nasty, insulting and verbally abusive/screaming to the rest of us siblings. Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth when we met with attorney, however. She spoke in such a calm, intelligent way with him. It's because she wanted us to look like money-grubbers and she was the rational one.

One thing to prepare yourself for now is that you relationship with the hoarder sibling will change when your parents are gone. I tried to maintain the relationship for a loooong time but finally decided that cutting her out of my/my family's life was the only viable solution.

Haven't seen or communicated with her in years and don't have any regrets.

[Anonymous]

Just a reminder that if your parent(s) may need Medicaid at some point there is a five year look back period. So if you sell anything of theirs, including the house, keep very careful records and be sure to save/use the funds as allowed for their care.

[Anonymous]

You cannot give a hoarder an empty space to fill as they will fill it with new trash. You give a specific date, with enough time to move things and several reminders of when it’s happening. Stay firm and who cares what this person says, it’s about your parents care not their junk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? Tell them they have until 1/31 and on 2/1 when they haven't done it, call the junk haulers.

I will have to deal with character defamation and screaming and 10 phone calls a day so I care.

OP

OP, 10 screaming phone calls a day? And you haven’t blocked this person? And you think the family/friends don’t know sibling is a raging lunatic hoarder? No one will believe a word out of sibling’s mouth if they know them at all.
Set the date for the junk haul, let them know and consider blocking calls tonight. That is abusive behavior and no one has to put up with that.

I’ve kept a low contact relationship so my children could have access to cousins.

I don’t know who knows sibling is a lunatic. Sibling has yelled at doctors and nurses at the hospital before but plays all sweet at the care home and with the financial planner and our cousins. I am not sure what others know or think.

They can appear generous and caring and it can seem like providers think she’s fine.

I suspect sibling tells others I am the lunatic.

[Anonymous]

You may be able to sell the house with all the stuff in it. Tell sibling you are going to list it as is and they can claim their stuff. Contact a “we buy junk houses” company and have them make an offer, present it to sibling and say, you know, we can probably get a better price if the house is empty. Sue them for the loss in value they are causing everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, had a similar situation. My sister (oldest in family) is a hoarder.

When my dad died and we were cleaning out his house (prior to hoarding being well-recognized as it is now) it was the first time I realized she had a problem and it was out of control. She insisted on saving an old baby food jar with rotted rubber bands in it because "there might be a good one in there."

As the second POA, I had to step in and engage with the attorney after a year trying to get estate settled. My sister was incapable of it. To this day, she still has rusted, rotten items from my father's estate in her garage. It's been more than 20 years.

Same happened when our mother died.

Throughout both these experiences, sister was nasty, insulting and verbally abusive/screaming to the rest of us siblings. Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth when we met with attorney, however. She spoke in such a calm, intelligent way with him. It's because she wanted us to look like money-grubbers and she was the rational one.

One thing to prepare yourself for now is that you relationship with the hoarder sibling will change when your parents are gone. I tried to maintain the relationship for a loooong time but finally decided that cutting her out of my/my family's life was the only viable solution.

Haven't seen or communicated with her in years and don't have any regrets.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I look forward to having no contact. When this parent dies, I will be zero or close to no contact with the sibling.

The kids are old enough to keep in touch with each other. I did my duty to ensure my kids had relationships with their cousins and at a cost to my own mental health.

I will be very glad to have this sibling out of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may be able to sell the house with all the stuff in it. Tell sibling you are going to list it as is and they can claim their stuff. Contact a “we buy junk houses” company and have them make an offer, present it to sibling and say, you know, we can probably get a better price if the house is empty. Sue them for the loss in value they are causing everyone.

While I kind of like this idea, I do not want to spend money suing my sibling.

Parent is still alive and they deserve to get the best price for the house.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a reminder that if your parent(s) may need Medicaid at some point there is a five year look back period. So if you sell anything of theirs, including the house, keep very careful records and be sure to save/use the funds as allowed for their care.

This is good advice. Thank you.

Parents were penny pinchers and managed to save enough. Financial advisor says house money isn’t necessary to pay for care.

OP