Confused by friendships (13 DD)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Continue to invite but make the kids pay their own way to things like movies etc if it’s not reciprocated. Also for things like sleepovers and hangouts, if you say no a little more often you might find that suddenly they host some as often these things are kid driven - they aren’t asking their parents bc your house is better.

My daughter is 16 and has had a good friend since 6th grade who could host and do more but only does when I say no to our house (repeatedly) or I ask her for money. Which I’ve started doing as I think her dad gives her money for activities (he’s a single dad but well off enough) that she just keeps unless I demand she cover herself. It’s very entitled behavior (can you tell I’m a bit fed up with this girl? Lol).

If these other kids/parents haven’t offered to pay or host, you shouldn’t feel bad for one second asking them to contribute. The other parents have already shown manners aren’t their first concern. You don’t have to end the activities, just the bankrolling.

I wouldn’t be so quick to say the other parents have bad manners. They may not even know that they need to host if you’re always offering. That’s like one kid in DD’s friend group who says his mom makes him get rides from so many people, and then later in a group chat, the mom tells me and the other moms that she’s totally available to drive the group to an outing. Meanwhile the kid was saying their mom wasn’t available.

[Anonymous]

People do what they want,

Invite kids over if you and your child want.
Don’t do it for reasons of reciprocity. And don’t withhold invitations to young girls as some kind of test.

You sound somewhat immature and petty.

Try not to install that mindset in your child. Be generous in your approach to others. You will be happier.

[Anonymous]

By that age, if I thought my kid longed to see her friends more, I would suggest activities but my daughter would be the arbiter of whether they were lame (many were judged to be lame) or worthy of pursuit. The few that she liked were acted upon. But invitations did not come from me to the girls or their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hosted kids a lot when my kids were little, took them on outings and such as well. When my kids were your dd's age that really didn't happen so much anymore: she started making her own plans, usually that meant dropping her off at the mall to meet up with a friend, or to the movies, or sometimes she'd call and ask if her friend could come after school to hang out, but all these plans were without me involved other than as a ride.

+1

My DD started making her own plans at that age (asking me for permission and for rides as needed). Also- things are not always “equal” in terms of which house they hang out more, which parent drives more etc. and that’s fine. Everyone does what they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is probably what my 13 year old’s friends parents think about me but we just aren’t really doing anything to invite someone along. My kids don’t have parties so they’re not invited to those either but they do go to theirs. Or are these friends inviting other friends and not your kid? I don’t make my 13 year old’s plans and she rarely asks to have anyone over because there’s not a lot of room and she shares a room with a sibling. If someone asks if she wants to do something she’ll decide if she wants to and ask me if she can but it’s usually not at anyone’s house, just meeting them at the movies or something and I pick up my kid and the other kids parent picks them up. If you don’t want to host , don’t host anyone.

I was a social kid but I used to live in a very small home and my mom would not leave us alone so I never invited anyone over. I did happily go over other people’s homes. This was totally driven by me, not my parents. If I asked to have people over, they would have said yes.

I now have 3 kids and live in a very large house that is good for hosting. All 3 of my kids invite friends over frequently. I alwahs stock snacks in the pantry. I mostly leave the kids alone to hang out. We have a 5000sf basement that the kids can just hang out in.

[Anonymous]

Do you mean you are making the plans with the parents of your DD’s friends ? Yeah, my 13 year old makes his own plans and doesn’t want me texting his friends’ parents to make plans unless it’s a major outing.