Confused by friendships (13 DD)

[Anonymous]

To be clear, I am not patting myself on the back, nor am badmouthing my daughter’s friend’s parents to my daughter. I have said some choice words about them in private to my DH, but that is my right.
My daughter is extroverted and social and for the most part does make her own plans, but they are usually “let’s take Carla with us to the mall” and then she invites Carla over text and tells her when we’re picking her up. It’s like she has already assumed the role of social coordinator, and I hate that it may stay that way as long as her circle of friends remains the same. I’m trying to figure out if I should break this trend now before it’s too late.

-OP

[Anonymous]

I have 12 and 14yo boys. I don’t know how boys are different.

My 14yo is somewhat of an introvert and he never makes the plans. This kid barely hung out with friends outside of school in all of middle school minus a few birthdays. He is now in high school and his friends often invite him to places and he happily goes.

My 12yo is a social butterfly. He makes a lot of plans including having friends over at our house ALL the time. He is social so his friends are also social and initiates hang outs.

I would be offended if the other girls are planning things without your DD. They may just be like my older son and not be planning anything. I would continue hosting if your daughter and her friends are having a good time.

[Anonymous]

OP, let your DD be the social director if she wants. My 13 year old is one of the more introverted kids in her group. She gets invited far more often than she invites. It's all good; she goes sometimes, she doesn't other times, and even when someone else initiated a plan, we end up hosting the kids, which is also fine.

If you're 100% having kids over, and the other kids never initiate, it might be time to suggest to your DD that she should maybe seek out a few more extroverted kids. Among DD's group, there are 3 that are extreme extroverts, and they're constantly making plans and meeting up (everyone else is also invited, but mostly don't go).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be clear, I am not patting myself on the back, nor am badmouthing my daughter’s friend’s parents to my daughter. I have said some choice words about them in private to my DH, but that is my right.
My daughter is extroverted and social and for the most part does make her own plans, but they are usually “let’s take Carla with us to the mall” and then she invites Carla over text and tells her when we’re picking her up. It’s like she has already assumed the role of social coordinator, and I hate that it may stay that way as long as her circle of friends remains the same. I’m trying to figure out if I should break this trend now before it’s too late.

-OP

Okay now it’s clear the issue is your daughter is more extroverted/likes a higher quotient of socializing than most of her friends. That’s fine! (As is being less social.) your beef (if you feel the need to have one) is with your daughter’s temperament, not with her friends parents.

If it bugs you so much, you could stop inviting-that will likely bother your daughter and the other kids won’t care much They probably assume you enjoy hosting since , you know, you are always arranging and inviting.

[Anonymous]

I hosted kids a lot when my kids were little, took them on outings and such as well. When my kids were your dd's age that really didn't happen so much anymore: she started making her own plans, usually that meant dropping her off at the mall to meet up with a friend, or to the movies, or sometimes she'd call and ask if her friend could come after school to hang out, but all these plans were without me involved other than as a ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be clear, I am not patting myself on the back, nor am badmouthing my daughter’s friend’s parents to my daughter. I have said some choice words about them in private to my DH, but that is my right.
My daughter is extroverted and social and for the most part does make her own plans, but they are usually “let’s take Carla with us to the mall” and then she invites Carla over text and tells her when we’re picking her up. It’s like she has already assumed the role of social coordinator, and I hate that it may stay that way as long as her circle of friends remains the same. I’m trying to figure out if I should break this trend now before it’s too late.

-OP

What? This is normal. You’re going to have to learn to be more flexible. Everyone has limits, but parents are chauffeurs until kids drive themselves

[Anonymous]

Does your daughter have a bit of excess energy the other parents are not used to? Do her friends have multiple siblings?
I think you should continue. Don't worry about reciprocity when it comes to making happy memories for dd and her friends.

[Anonymous]

Is the issue that you mind being there at the mall too, or do you just drop the girls off? If the former, that phase will be over very soon and you can just drop off. Even the chauffeur stage will be over sooner than you think. Once they drive, it is a whole different world for them socially, and a lot more free time for you!

[Anonymous]

Continue to invite but make the kids pay their own way to things like movies etc if it’s not reciprocated. Also for things like sleepovers and hangouts, if you say no a little more often you might find that suddenly they host some as often these things are kid driven - they aren’t asking their parents bc your house is better.

My daughter is 16 and has had a good friend since 6th grade who could host and do more but only does when I say no to our house (repeatedly) or I ask her for money. Which I’ve started doing as I think her dad gives her money for activities (he’s a single dad but well off enough) that she just keeps unless I demand she cover herself. It’s very entitled behavior (can you tell I’m a bit fed up with this girl? Lol).

If these other kids/parents haven’t offered to pay or host, you shouldn’t feel bad for one second asking them to contribute. The other parents have already shown manners aren’t their first concern. You don’t have to end the activities, just the bankrolling.

[Anonymous]

15:11 hit the mail on the head. This is totally normal. Not you don’t want to keep hosting, encourage your DD to plan outings that so t involve you or your house. I say no often I’d I just want the living room to myself so I can take a nap on a weekend afternoon and force DD to meet up with her friends at the rec center or mall. No big deal. It doesn’t have to be extravagant if you don’t want it to be. Nor does it have to be reciprocated. Be happy you have a social DD!

[Anonymous]

This is probably what my 13 year old’s friends parents think about me but we just aren’t really doing anything to invite someone along. My kids don’t have parties so they’re not invited to those either but they do go to theirs. Or are these friends inviting other friends and not your kid? I don’t make my 13 year old’s plans and she rarely asks to have anyone over because there’s not a lot of room and she shares a room with a sibling. If someone asks if she wants to do something she’ll decide if she wants to and ask me if she can but it’s usually not at anyone’s house, just meeting them at the movies or something and I pick up my kid and the other kids parent picks them up. If you don’t want to host , don’t host anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be clear, I am not patting myself on the back, nor am badmouthing my daughter’s friend’s parents to my daughter. I have said some choice words about them in private to my DH, but that is my right.
My daughter is extroverted and social and for the most part does make her own plans, but they are usually “let’s take Carla with us to the mall” and then she invites Carla over text and tells her when we’re picking her up. It’s like she has already assumed the role of social coordinator, and I hate that it may stay that way as long as her circle of friends remains the same. I’m trying to figure out if I should break this trend now before it’s too late.

-OP

Wait, you have choice words about your DDs friends’ parents because your DD suggests inviting her friend to do something with you, and you agree? I have an 11 year old who is happy to hang out with friends but equally as happy to just have some down time at home. So if a friend invites her to do something she says yes more often than not, but she doesn’t have the need to be with friends constantly during her down time. If she says to me hey can you take me and Larla to the movies, I’ll do it but she is not asking for that every weekend. You either want to do this for your DD or you don’t, but stop blaming the other parents for the fact that they may not want to.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't look for reasons to be annoyed, OP. If you need a break from these gatherings, tell your daughter no.

I have 3 kids, same gender, and those kids keep me running. I've been horrible about reciprocating play dates and then hang outs through the years. I'm often unavailable for last minute plans (which with teens is when 99% of the ideas occur) or chaperoning, and on the off chance we're all free I'm excited to be together and the last thing I'm thinking about is fitting in a playdate/hang out. Once our oldest was driving we ended up being the sleepover house, which was great. We're not inhospitable, we're just not planners in this way and our 3 same gender kids enjoy each other's company most of the time.

Assuming your daughter isn't a bad guest, I'd just assume they run their families differently. I have a friend who ALWAYS has kids who aren't hers with her, even takes them on vacation. She finds it easier to keep her children entertained with peers. Different strokes for different folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your 13 year old should be doing all the planning. You facilitate it by giving her rides, or offering rides to her friends where needed, and making sure she has the $ for her activities. That's pretty much it.

This is how it is with my 13 yo and has been for a really long time. If we do something as a family we don’t take their friends. It’s rare to get one or both kids alone with us these days since they are so busy with sports and their own social lives. Continue to invite friends out with you if this is what your daughter likes and you don’t mind. Don’t expect anyone to reciprocate at this age. My kids want to do things alone with their friends and only ask us for rides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be clear, I am not patting myself on the back, nor am badmouthing my daughter’s friend’s parents to my daughter. I have said some choice words about them in private to my DH, but that is my right.
My daughter is extroverted and social and for the most part does make her own plans, but they are usually “let’s take Carla with us to the mall” and then she invites Carla over text and tells her when we’re picking her up. It’s like she has already assumed the role of social coordinator, and I hate that it may stay that way as long as her circle of friends remains the same. I’m trying to figure out if I should break this trend now before it’s too late.

-OP

Are you hanging out with them at the mall? Other than that, this is normal. My 13 yo wanted to go to Tyson’s recently and asked a friend. I dropped them off, stayed and shopped myself but didn’t see them until we all met again to leave. If I didn’t want to shop I would have dropped off and picked up later. Is this the type of thing you are talking about?