Confused by friendships (13 DD)

[Anonymous]

We make a considerable amount of effort to maintain healthy friendships by hosting sleepovers, inviting DD‘s friends to go places with us, planning fun outings like seeing a play or attending a carnival that we invite them to, etc…over the years there’s no reciprocation from these families other than being invited to the girls’ birthday parties. My daughter is never invited to their homes, never invited for impromptu let’s go to the movies/mall/ice-skating the way we do for all her friends. I’ve accepted this as other people don’t have the time or will to include our daughter in their family activities the way we like to do for our children’s friends. Fine.
My question is do we continue to do it knowing very well it will never be reciprocated or now that she is in middle school and makes plans on her own over text, should it all come to a screeching halt? I definitely feel it would negatively impact my daughter for sure but it would also allow her to become aware we have been doing all the heavy lifting to maintain her friendships all these years while her friends’ parents have done next to nothing. I feel like there’s a window here where we just stop and see if other people pick up the slack. I’m just worried they won’t and it’s my daughter who gets hurt in the end. The other girls would also miss our hosting.
Thanks for your thoughts/feedback.

[Anonymous]

Most parents don’t have this approach at this age. By 13, kids want parents to be hands-off and they make their own plans. Is she an 8th grader? When she is in high school, she will be making all sorts of random plans with all different people and you will go with the flow. It won’t be tit for tat. Some people always host and some people never do. Some people don’t mind opening their home to teenagers, and some people do. Kids really are grateful to have a house to hang out in and that may be your home. If you enjoy it, good. If not, don’t do it anymore.

[Anonymous]

If you don't mind doing it and can (pay for friends movie ticket etc) I would say to keep doing to but maybe only every other movie not every time so you get some family only outings.

If you don't want to keep this up please tell your daughter you will not being doing this and why. That way next time you go to the movies or something she knows that her friend wasn't invited and she knows what to expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most parents don’t have this approach at this age. By 13, kids want parents to be hands-off and they make their own plans. Is she an 8th grader? When she is in high school, she will be making all sorts of random plans with all different people and you will go with the flow. It won’t be tit for tat. Some people always host and some people never do. Some people don’t mind opening their home to teenagers, and some people do. Kids really are grateful to have a house to hang out in and that may be your home. If you enjoy it, good. If not, don’t do it anymore.

Yes, but they still need rides and some level of parent involvement for the coordination. And the parent has to approve of hosting in their own home if that’s the plan. so I really don’t buy the “they make their own plans” at this age. Those plans HAVE to involve a parent at least until they’re able to drive themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We make a considerable amount of effort to maintain healthy friendships by hosting sleepovers, inviting DD‘s friends to go places with us, planning fun outings like seeing a play or attending a carnival that we invite them to, etc…over the years there’s no reciprocation from these families other than being invited to the girls’ birthday parties. My daughter is never invited to their homes, never invited for impromptu let’s go to the movies/mall/ice-skating the way we do for all her friends. I’ve accepted this as other people don’t have the time or will to include our daughter in their family activities the way we like to do for our children’s friends. Fine.
My question is do we continue to do it knowing very well it will never be reciprocated or now that she is in middle school and makes plans on her own over text, should it all come to a screeching halt? I definitely feel it would negatively impact my daughter for sure but it would also allow her to become aware we have been doing all the heavy lifting to maintain her friendships all these years while her friends’ parents have done next to nothing. I feel like there’s a window here where we just stop and see if other people pick up the slack. I’m just worried they won’t and it’s my daughter who gets hurt in the end. The other girls would also miss our hosting.
Thanks for your thoughts/feedback.

Ask your daughter. If your daughter likes it I would continue. If she says stop than stop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents don’t have this approach at this age. By 13, kids want parents to be hands-off and they make their own plans. Is she an 8th grader? When she is in high school, she will be making all sorts of random plans with all different people and you will go with the flow. It won’t be tit for tat. Some people always host and some people never do. Some people don’t mind opening their home to teenagers, and some people do. Kids really are grateful to have a house to hang out in and that may be your home. If you enjoy it, good. If not, don’t do it anymore.

Yes, but they still need rides and some level of parent involvement for the coordination. And the parent has to approve of hosting in their own home if that’s the plan. so I really don’t buy the “they make their own plans” at this age. Those plans HAVE to involve a parent at least until they’re able to drive themselves.

My point is OP has to get used to the idea that she may be the hang out house. It’s not like elementary where everyone takes turns “hosting.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We make a considerable amount of effort to maintain healthy friendships by hosting sleepovers, inviting DD‘s friends to go places with us, planning fun outings like seeing a play or attending a carnival that we invite them to, etc…over the years there’s no reciprocation from these families other than being invited to the girls’ birthday parties. My daughter is never invited to their homes, never invited for impromptu let’s go to the movies/mall/ice-skating the way we do for all her friends. I’ve accepted this as other people don’t have the time or will to include our daughter in their family activities the way we like to do for our children’s friends. Fine.
My question is do we continue to do it knowing very well it will never be reciprocated or now that she is in middle school and makes plans on her own over text, should it all come to a screeching halt? I definitely feel it would negatively impact my daughter for sure but it would also allow her to become aware we have been doing all the heavy lifting to maintain her friendships all these years while her friends’ parents have done next to nothing. I feel like there’s a window here where we just stop and see if other people pick up the slack. I’m just worried they won’t and it’s my daughter who gets hurt in the end. The other girls would also miss our hosting.
Thanks for your thoughts/feedback.

You have to assume they won't. They never have, so why would they start? Do these things if you and your kid want to and see value in them. Otherwise, stop. Also, maybe stop patting yourself on the back for "doing the heavy lifting to maintain these friendships." Friendships don't actually need all of this to be maintained. It's great that you've done it (assuming you wanted to), but friendships should be based on the kids enjoying one another's company. You sound like you think all this extra stuff is required or no one would be friends with your kid (that's not a healthy friendship and hopefully not the case). You sound really, really involved here, more than just providing rides and money. Maybe back off a bit and see what happens. Any decision you make need not be permanent, just see how things go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We make a considerable amount of effort to maintain healthy friendships by hosting sleepovers, inviting DD‘s friends to go places with us, planning fun outings like seeing a play or attending a carnival that we invite them to, etc…over the years there’s no reciprocation from these families other than being invited to the girls’ birthday parties. My daughter is never invited to their homes, never invited for impromptu let’s go to the movies/mall/ice-skating the way we do for all her friends. I’ve accepted this as other people don’t have the time or will to include our daughter in their family activities the way we like to do for our children’s friends. Fine.
My question is do we continue to do it knowing very well it will never be reciprocated or now that she is in middle school and makes plans on her own over text, should it all come to a screeching halt? I definitely feel it would negatively impact my daughter for sure but it would also allow her to become aware we have been doing all the heavy lifting to maintain her friendships all these years while her friends’ parents have done next to nothing. I feel like there’s a window here where we just stop and see if other people pick up the slack. I’m just worried they won’t and it’s my daughter who gets hurt in the end. The other girls would also miss our hosting.
Thanks for your thoughts/feedback.

Ask your daughter. If your daughter likes it I would continue. If she says stop than stop

I know what her answer will be. If I didn’t continue to do it, she wouldn’t see her friends NEARLY as much. I know she will not ask me to stop because she enjoys being with her friends — certainly more than being alone with her sibling and her mom and dad! It’s the age.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Your 13 year old should be doing all the planning. You facilitate it by giving her rides, or offering rides to her friends where needed, and making sure she has the $ for her activities. That's pretty much it.

[Anonymous]

Do you have only one child. As the parent of an only, this was very much the same for us. We had one or two really close friends with multiple children that would do the same for my kid, but most families with more than one kid did not. Especially when siblings are close in age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We make a considerable amount of effort to maintain healthy friendships by hosting sleepovers, inviting DD‘s friends to go places with us, planning fun outings like seeing a play or attending a carnival that we invite them to, etc…over the years there’s no reciprocation from these families other than being invited to the girls’ birthday parties. My daughter is never invited to their homes, never invited for impromptu let’s go to the movies/mall/ice-skating the way we do for all her friends. I’ve accepted this as other people don’t have the time or will to include our daughter in their family activities the way we like to do for our children’s friends. Fine.
My question is do we continue to do it knowing very well it will never be reciprocated or now that she is in middle school and makes plans on her own over text, should it all come to a screeching halt? I definitely feel it would negatively impact my daughter for sure but it would also allow her to become aware we have been doing all the heavy lifting to maintain her friendships all these years while her friends’ parents have done next to nothing. I feel like there’s a window here where we just stop and see if other people pick up the slack. I’m just worried they won’t and it’s my daughter who gets hurt in the end. The other girls would also miss our hosting.
Thanks for your thoughts/feedback.

Ask your daughter. If your daughter likes it I would continue. If she says stop than stop

I know what her answer will be. If I didn’t continue to do it, she wouldn’t see her friends NEARLY as much. I know she will not ask me to stop because she enjoys being with her friends — certainly more than being alone with her sibling and her mom and dad! It’s the age.
-OP

What’s the issue then??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most parents don’t have this approach at this age. By 13, kids want parents to be hands-off and they make their own plans. Is she an 8th grader? When she is in high school, she will be making all sorts of random plans with all different people and you will go with the flow. It won’t be tit for tat. Some people always host and some people never do. Some people don’t mind opening their home to teenagers, and some people do. Kids really are grateful to have a house to hang out in and that may be your home. If you enjoy it, good. If not, don’t do it anymore.

Yes, but they still need rides and some level of parent involvement for the coordination. And the parent has to approve of hosting in their own home if that’s the plan. so I really don’t buy the “they make their own plans” at this age. Those plans HAVE to involve a parent at least until they’re able to drive themselves.

This is DC and a lot of those plans happen with neighborhood friends by foot or daytime get-togethers by metro or bus. My middle schoolers are not yet on public transit at night, but a couple friends are allowed. I do try to get confirmation with my kid that when they invite other kids into our house that the other kids' parents know, but I don't always follow up except for the couple times kids would be leaving after dark to take the bus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have only one child. As the parent of an only, this was very much the same for us. We had one or two really close friends with multiple children that would do the same for my kid, but most families with more than one kid did not. Especially when siblings are close in age.

I have an only, have friends that are onlies, and this has not been my experience. I haven't been involved in my DD's social life since she was ... 11, I think. The kids make plans, then they ask the parents for permission and rides. If someone cannot get a ride, they let the group know, and the rest of the kids ask their parents if they can give rides. We are the hang out house, but I am absolutely not involved in DD's friendships/get togethers/planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have only one child. As the parent of an only, this was very much the same for us. We had one or two really close friends with multiple children that would do the same for my kid, but most families with more than one kid did not. Especially when siblings are close in age.

I have an only, have friends that are onlies, and this has not been my experience. I haven't been involved in my DD's social life since she was ... 11, I think. The kids make plans, then they ask the parents for permission and rides. If someone cannot get a ride, they let the group know, and the rest of the kids ask their parents if they can give rides. We are the hang out house, but I am absolutely not involved in DD's friendships/get togethers/planning.

I think kids maturity/confidence levels can really vary at these ages. I have a 13 year old and I still make all their plans for them. I also have an 11 year old that more and more makes their own plan. One is shy and hesitant to make plans. The other is an extrovert who is way more social. I think the OP has a more shy child and still needs to be more involved and that's ok. I just think that OP needs to understand that there are certain kids for whom their parents do no planning because they handle it themselves. I wish those parents understood that there still are parents out there like OP but I don't think they do...

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand-do you think they are inviting other kids over and not your daughter? Or is it that these kids/parents aren’t that social?

I think some kids crave having a friend with them when at all possible and others (especially before high school) are happy to mostly see their friends at school and FaceTime them some evenings and weekends. They’re happy to go on an outing when invited but aren’t craving them or asking their parents to host. Maybe your daughter is the former and her friends the latter?

I agree with pp that you should stop patting yourself on the back so much and certainly don’t essentially badmouth her friends parents to her as another pp suggested-that’s frankly crazy.