Couples who live separate lives

[Anonymous]

I think its weird too. I know many people say couples dont have to have similar interests, but I couldn't imagine dating and then marrying someone I had nothing in common with.

As long as the people are happy I'd never say anything. I'm more mad about my friend who's husband is into ultra-marathons and takes a million hours away from the fam to focus on "his" thing, but that means his wife cant ever take any time for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

If one of them has mental disorders then it’s an excellent thing to do.

Are you saying they both do a ton of long girls or lads trips without each other? (Visiting elderly parents solo is different)

Does one take the kids too for joint family trips? Are kids even in the picture?

Do they both work and have a social outlet there? Going to industry events, etc.

Kids are fully grown and long out of college. A couple are even married with their own kids. Judging from social media they all go on nice vacations together from time and time and seem to be living it up. There’s no doubt both are involved parents and grandparents.

No, there are no mental disorders. Cmon. Also, if you actually read my post you’d see that I said neither works anymore.

How would you know there’s no mental disorders at play? You don’t and I don’t.

But therapists recommend parallel lives where there is. Save yourself.

You might want to look in the mirror. Anybody who immediately thinks “mental disorder” after hearing about something like what OP is talking about probably suffers from one herself. It’s quite the leap.

DP

Therapists do recommend detaching and parallel lives when married to a mentally disordered person. That is true. No matter what fun time with the grandkids once in awhile.

Alternatively the couple is very social and goes on trips together and alone or with friends only each year.

Why do you care Op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

I don’t know anyone who retired and didn’t stay busy doing other stuff or consulting or teaching or volunteering.

[Anonymous]

I do not think it is weird but I think it IS weird that you ask. Do you not have other things to do?
Married 26 years, three kids, have traveled extensively, alone, a few times per year, have had to work at different locations periodically away from family. I love the breaks as much as I love returning home. When I retire I envision more extended me time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understand couples who aren't friends. I've met a few, always with kids because I assume that's the only thing they have in common. When they're not working he's out golfing and she's doing something with girlfriends. They don't eat together because "the kids on a different schedule." They don't watch TV together. If they vacation together its to someplace where again he goes off golfing and she spends the entire time with the kids.

Just not how I want my married life to be.

This is actually a pretty "traditional" UMC/well-off white American marriage.

Yeah? Well, it sucks. I present exhibit A: this forum.

[Anonymous]

My 10-year marriage was like that the entire time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

“Relatively young”….you have your answer right there. Modern marriages are very different from what some of us in more traditional marriages view as being normal or weird. Remember a lot of these young couples are marrying in an era that not only normalizes “hookups” but views it as totally healthy. So it is not surprising to me at all that they would have separate lives once married. And I don’t think it’s weird. Every generation has its own customs and habits.

OP here. By “relatively young“ I didn’t mean that young. They’re probably pushing 60. And they’ve been married forever. I just wonder what the real story is and why they don’t just get divorced. It seems so odd to me.

People get and stay married for practical reasons. My parents are like this. They are still married going on 46 years. I was also when I was married. Separate lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

“Relatively young”….you have your answer right there. Modern marriages are very different from what some of us in more traditional marriages view as being normal or weird. Remember a lot of these young couples are marrying in an era that not only normalizes “hookups” but views it as totally healthy. So it is not surprising to me at all that they would have separate lives once married. And I don’t think it’s weird. Every generation has its own customs and habits.

That's an arrangement, not a marriage in the traditional sense.

A traditional marriage IS an arrangement.

+1

[Anonymous]

No. I do not think it's weird. Nor do I see any reason they should be "shy about it." Most couples do not share the exact same interests, and a little space is, for most of us, a very healthy thing.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why people shouldn't be allowed to travel alone. Maybe they like different kinds of trips.

[Anonymous]

We did this. It killed the relationship. We are great co-parents still but both remarried. It is a bit sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

Sounds great to me!
I know one couple who hasn't been apart for more than a few hours since they met ten years ago. Now THAT is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

“Relatively young”….you have your answer right there. Modern marriages are very different from what some of us in more traditional marriages view as being normal or weird. Remember a lot of these young couples are marrying in an era that not only normalizes “hookups” but views it as totally healthy. So it is not surprising to me at all that they would have separate lives once married. And I don’t think it’s weird. Every generation has its own customs and habits.

OP here. By “relatively young“ I didn’t mean that young. They’re probably pushing 60. And they’ve been married forever. I just wonder what the real story is and why they don’t just get divorced. It seems so odd to me.

OMG, this is funny to me. I'm 62 and have been married 32 years. When you've been married this long, there's a lot of "been there, done that." Vacations, activities, many, many meals, walks, etc. We see each other every day and have for the majority of our lives at this point.

We get along well but like to do different things and don't begrudge each other liking and doing them. It doesn't mean anything. At this point it's great to have a break from each other!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do this, I guess. He can't take much leave, and I love to travel, so I go alone. He doesn't like the same trips I do, anyway. Do I wish we could share these experiences? Of course. But the military says otherwise for now, so I'll just enjoy not having to drag another person through the airport to make a connection.

You will be one of those women a few years from now filing for divorce because her DH is not sharing experiences with her etc. Poor guy has no idea what’s coming a few years from now. I tell every married man if your wife does activities away from you for a long time you are toasted.

NP. If your marriage is this fragile, PP, I pity your wife if you have one. She can't do "activities away from" you because, what, that means you're going to divorce? I'll be sure to tell that to my DH of 32 years; I'm sure he's quaking in his boots at the fact I'm planning to go off for a long weekend soon and will, gasp!, meet with people I've never met and it's all for pure fun. In your little world, I'm heading for divorce because, I guess?, he isn't going to share the experience with me. Gosh, thanks for the heads-up. No idea how our marriage survived all these years of each of us having interests of our own. (More than enough shared ones to compensate. Not that we need to.)

[Anonymous]

#relationshipgoals