Couples who live separate lives

[Anonymous]

I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

[Anonymous]

That's me. We have different interests and we don't need to be together all the time. Also, we have kids and one parent has to be one kid's activity while the other parent is with the other kid. That is very common for many households. So, no, not weird to me.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a rich couple's option that they are exercising. Most families can't afford to live separate lives.

Also, since neither of them work it probably makes sense that they have all these separate activities. After WFH for two years with my spouse during COVID (we both have white collar jobs), I was ready for a bit of physical separation. They don't have jobs, so they otherwise have zero time apart.

I'm a big believer in "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

“Relatively young”….you have your answer right there. Modern marriages are very different from what some of us in more traditional marriages view as being normal or weird. Remember a lot of these young couples are marrying in an era that not only normalizes “hookups” but views it as totally healthy. So it is not surprising to me at all that they would have separate lives once married. And I don’t think it’s weird. Every generation has its own customs and habits.

[Anonymous]

We do this, I guess. He can't take much leave, and I love to travel, so I go alone. He doesn't like the same trips I do, anyway. Do I wish we could share these experiences? Of course. But the military says otherwise for now, so I'll just enjoy not having to drag another person through the airport to make a connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do this, I guess. He can't take much leave, and I love to travel, so I go alone. He doesn't like the same trips I do, anyway. Do I wish we could share these experiences? Of course. But the military says otherwise for now, so I'll just enjoy not having to drag another person through the airport to make a connection.

You will be one of those women a few years from now filing for divorce because her DH is not sharing experiences with her etc. Poor guy has no idea what’s coming a few years from now. I tell every married man if your wife does activities away from you for a long time you are toasted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do this, I guess. He can't take much leave, and I love to travel, so I go alone. He doesn't like the same trips I do, anyway. Do I wish we could share these experiences? Of course. But the military says otherwise for now, so I'll just enjoy not having to drag another person through the airport to make a connection.

You will be one of those women a few years from now filing for divorce because her DH is not sharing experiences with her etc. Poor guy has no idea what’s coming a few years from now. I tell every married man if your wife does activities away from you for a long time you are toasted.

Wow, you must be a blast at parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do this, I guess. He can't take much leave, and I love to travel, so I go alone. He doesn't like the same trips I do, anyway. Do I wish we could share these experiences? Of course. But the military says otherwise for now, so I'll just enjoy not having to drag another person through the airport to make a connection.

You will be one of those women a few years from now filing for divorce because her DH is not sharing experiences with her etc. Poor guy has no idea what’s coming a few years from now. I tell every married man if your wife does activities away from you for a long time you are toasted.

Wow, you must be a blast at parties.

He is not wrong. He formulated it poorly though. If you read many of the forums here, the theme of the “absent partner” most notably from women is recurrent.

[Anonymous]

I never understand couples who aren't friends. I've met a few, always with kids because I assume that's the only thing they have in common. When they're not working he's out golfing and she's doing something with girlfriends. They don't eat together because "the kids on a different schedule." They don't watch TV together. If they vacation together its to someplace where again he goes off golfing and she spends the entire time with the kids.

Just not how I want my married life to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understand couples who aren't friends. I've met a few, always with kids because I assume that's the only thing they have in common. When they're not working he's out golfing and she's doing something with girlfriends. They don't eat together because "the kids on a different schedule." They don't watch TV together. If they vacation together its to someplace where again he goes off golfing and she spends the entire time with the kids.

Just not how I want my married life to be.

This is actually a pretty "traditional" UMC/well-off white American marriage.

[Anonymous]

We do it sometimes because we don't have childcare to go away overnight together. So we have family stuff and single stuff, but not couple stuff. Not because we don't want to, but because we have no one to watch the kids. They're getting a little older so we can do some sleepovers but that would still just give us one night. So we take separate vacations. Him usually with college friends, me usually with my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

Sincerely, why do you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

“Relatively young”….you have your answer right there. Modern marriages are very different from what some of us in more traditional marriages view as being normal or weird. Remember a lot of these young couples are marrying in an era that not only normalizes “hookups” but views it as totally healthy. So it is not surprising to me at all that they would have separate lives once married. And I don’t think it’s weird. Every generation has its own customs and habits.

OP here. By “relatively young“ I didn’t mean that young. They’re probably pushing 60. And they’ve been married forever. I just wonder what the real story is and why they don’t just get divorced. It seems so odd to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

Sincerely, why do you care?

It’s not that I “care.” I just don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do this, I guess. He can't take much leave, and I love to travel, so I go alone. He doesn't like the same trips I do, anyway. Do I wish we could share these experiences? Of course. But the military says otherwise for now, so I'll just enjoy not having to drag another person through the airport to make a connection.

You will be one of those women a few years from now filing for divorce because her DH is not sharing experiences with her etc. Poor guy has no idea what’s coming a few years from now. I tell every married man if your wife does activities away from you for a long time you are toasted.

So I should...sit at home and never do my absolute favorite thing because he has too many responsibilities at work to take more than two days off at a time? Sure. Sounds awesome.

Also, we don't believe in divorce. Go project somewhere else.