Couples who live separate lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

“Relatively young”….you have your answer right there. Modern marriages are very different from what some of us in more traditional marriages view as being normal or weird. Remember a lot of these young couples are marrying in an era that not only normalizes “hookups” but views it as totally healthy. So it is not surprising to me at all that they would have separate lives once married. And I don’t think it’s weird. Every generation has its own customs and habits.

OP here. By “relatively young“ I didn’t mean that young. They’re probably pushing 60. And they’ve been married forever. I just wonder what the real story is and why they don’t just get divorced. It seems so odd to me.

People getting divorced after 30 years of marriage because they have different hobbies seems odd to me. Like, wtf?

[Anonymous]

Historically, leading separate lives was the solution to the destruction of assets and family turmoil caused by divorce. I think it’s admirable in a weird way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

If one of them has mental disorders then it’s an excellent thing to do.

Are you saying they both do a ton of long girls or lads trips without each other? (Visiting elderly parents solo is different)

Does one take the kids too for joint family trips? Are kids even in the picture?

Do they both work and have a social outlet there? Going to industry events, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

No. I don't think so but also not a common practice. Whole point of being a couple is to enjoy life together. Obviously that doesn't mean becoming conjoined twins, one can play golf while other reads a book or goes for tennis. One can go for a week long hiking trip with their buddies while their partner relaxes at home or goes to NYC for shows and museums. However, its not common to have parallel lives and while it can work for a few, it often leads to divorces in most couples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

If one of them has mental disorders then it’s an excellent thing to do.

Are you saying they both do a ton of long girls or lads trips without each other? (Visiting elderly parents solo is different)

Does one take the kids too for joint family trips? Are kids even in the picture?

Do they both work and have a social outlet there? Going to industry events, etc.

Kids are fully grown and long out of college. A couple are even married with their own kids. Judging from social media they all go on nice vacations together from time and time and seem to be living it up. There’s no doubt both are involved parents and grandparents.

No, there are no mental disorders. Cmon. Also, if you actually read my post you’d see that I said neither works anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understand couples who aren't friends. I've met a few, always with kids because I assume that's the only thing they have in common. When they're not working he's out golfing and she's doing something with girlfriends. They don't eat together because "the kids on a different schedule." They don't watch TV together. If they vacation together its to someplace where again he goes off golfing and she spends the entire time with the kids.

Just not how I want my married life to be.

Agree, it how my parents were but they have a fantastic marriage and continue to travel together, problem solve, care for each other 45+ years now.

Many men subconsciously realize they don’t want a life of wife, kids and house stuff so never grow. Instead they just do work, tv, golf and text immature guy threads. And neglect their family. They feel their paycheck and their silent, physical presence around sometimes is enough.

[Anonymous]

* it’s NOT how my parents were- they never took individual trips. Only together or joining ins

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

If one of them has mental disorders then it’s an excellent thing to do.

Are you saying they both do a ton of long girls or lads trips without each other? (Visiting elderly parents solo is different)

Does one take the kids too for joint family trips? Are kids even in the picture?

Do they both work and have a social outlet there? Going to industry events, etc.

Kids are fully grown and long out of college. A couple are even married with their own kids. Judging from social media they all go on nice vacations together from time and time and seem to be living it up. There’s no doubt both are involved parents and grandparents.

No, there are no mental disorders. Cmon. Also, if you actually read my post you’d see that I said neither works anymore.

How would you know there’s no mental disorders at play? You don’t and I don’t.

But therapists recommend parallel lives where there is. Save yourself.

[Anonymous]

We still do things together like travel and dinner with friends but after 25 years we have a lot of trust, respect, and understanding.

My dh loves my parents but they are old and frail so I’ll travel to my hometown often and stay with a friend, spend time with my parents for a week or so. No reason to do that together.

I’ll make plans to travel with another friend, visit one of our dc living abroad, attend my book club/running group, go out to dinner with girlfriends.

My dh is most often content at home with our dog, not an adventurous eater, likes to keep out of sun after a cancer scare.

He’s my best friend, and it just works!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understand couples who aren't friends. I've met a few, always with kids because I assume that's the only thing they have in common. When they're not working he's out golfing and she's doing something with girlfriends. They don't eat together because "the kids on a different schedule." They don't watch TV together. If they vacation together its to someplace where again he goes off golfing and she spends the entire time with the kids.

Just not how I want my married life to be.

Agree, it how my parents were but they have a fantastic marriage and continue to travel together, problem solve, care for each other 45+ years now.

Many men subconsciously realize they don’t want a life of wife, kids and house stuff so never grow. Instead they just do work, tv, golf and text immature guy threads. And neglect their family. They feel their paycheck and their silent, physical presence around sometimes is enough.

OP here. Unless everything I know about this couple is contrived and their social media pages are completely fabricated that is not what’s going on here. Both are super involved with their kids and grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

“Relatively young”….you have your answer right there. Modern marriages are very different from what some of us in more traditional marriages view as being normal or weird. Remember a lot of these young couples are marrying in an era that not only normalizes “hookups” but views it as totally healthy. So it is not surprising to me at all that they would have separate lives once married. And I don’t think it’s weird. Every generation has its own customs and habits.

That's an arrangement, not a marriage in the traditional sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

If one of them has mental disorders then it’s an excellent thing to do.

Are you saying they both do a ton of long girls or lads trips without each other? (Visiting elderly parents solo is different)

Does one take the kids too for joint family trips? Are kids even in the picture?

Do they both work and have a social outlet there? Going to industry events, etc.

Kids are fully grown and long out of college. A couple are even married with their own kids. Judging from social media they all go on nice vacations together from time and time and seem to be living it up. There’s no doubt both are involved parents and grandparents.

No, there are no mental disorders. Cmon. Also, if you actually read my post you’d see that I said neither works anymore.

How would you know there’s no mental disorders at play? You don’t and I don’t.

But therapists recommend parallel lives where there is. Save yourself.

You might want to look in the mirror. Anybody who immediately thinks “mental disorder” after hearing about something like what OP is talking about probably suffers from one herself. It’s quite the leap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking of a particular couple who I’ve known for years. They seem to get along well (at least on the surface) and have a nice and close family, but they (neither works anymore although they’re still relatively young) do a lot of stuff apart. Take long separate vacations, etc. And they’re not shy about it.

Don’t you think it’s kind of weird?

“Relatively young”….you have your answer right there. Modern marriages are very different from what some of us in more traditional marriages view as being normal or weird. Remember a lot of these young couples are marrying in an era that not only normalizes “hookups” but views it as totally healthy. So it is not surprising to me at all that they would have separate lives once married. And I don’t think it’s weird. Every generation has its own customs and habits.

That's an arrangement, not a marriage in the traditional sense.

A traditional marriage IS an arrangement.

[Anonymous]

We have very separate interests and we are not joined at the hip 24/7. But I can’t imagine taking an extended trip without my husband. If we are apart for more than a few days neither of us is happy. We’re retired but we almost always have breakfast and dinner together even if at breakfast we are both reading the news. We always go to bed about the same time. My husband is not a very chatty person but he is very loving and he has always let me be me.

[Anonymous]

I know a few retired couples who can be apart a month or two at a time. It wouldn’t work for me but to each their own. I have no idea if they are happily married but I wouldn’t be happy doing that.