Partner manipulating marriage therapy — advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapist here: I'm sorry you are experiencing this. What is your question? Whether you should meet alone with the counselor or why he wants to meet alone with you? Do you have your own therapist? You need one and a lawyer. My guess is the therapist is going to try and assess your safety to see if there is physical abuse in the marriage or any danger to the children.

Thanks for responding.

I do have my own therapist. She is great and helped me realize how bad the situation was — I was minimizing as a coping mechanism. I had a lawyer due to the legal issues. When we started therapy again we agreed to withdraw our retainers. I suspect he has retained his and that’s why he doesn’t want me to see the statement.

I do not feel that I or the kids are in physical danger. But there is obviously emotional abuse.

What I’m confused about is that my therapist told me to speak up in therapy. When I do, I get the impression that this therapist thinks it’s a high conflict couple situation. I feel frustrated that I might not be conveying the depth of my husband’s manipulation because he’s very convincing and can put on a good emotional show of being a victim. I guess I could give some examples or something.

Mostly I’m just exhausted and maybe it comes across that I don’t have any compassion or patience left for his emotional needs at this point.

You need the absolute best lawyer who will be tough as nails during your divorce from this lunatic. I don't know what to tell you about the therapist. They asked to meet with you alone so I'd go and let them drive the conversation. If you have not already learned the art of less is more, now is the time to embrace that philosophy. Be aware that all of the records can be subpoenaed for court. Whether that happens is uncertain but now is not the time to go into the joint therapist and let them drag up your spouse's accusations against you.

There is no saving this and you should not try.

[Anonymous]

OP, get out. Call lawyers tomorrow, many will do a free initial consult.

He is not only plotting, he is likely having an affair and they are going to blindside you unless you file first.

Why would you continue to go to those appointments?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapist here: I'm sorry you are experiencing this. What is your question? Whether you should meet alone with the counselor or why he wants to meet alone with you? Do you have your own therapist? You need one and a lawyer. My guess is the therapist is going to try and assess your safety to see if there is physical abuse in the marriage or any danger to the children.

NP

Is there any upside to conflicting the therapist by having them talk with each individual’s therapist?

In that to see who’s lying?

Or at some post the narc throws out so many lies to muddy things, his abuse in turned into a He said/She said. And judges just write that off, so lying and false accusations are a “winning” strategy for the abusers.

Would any of these therapists go up on the stand during a high conflict divorce case? Many don’t, but some will.

[Anonymous]

Don’t go to therapy. You have a choice of how to spend your time. In fact that shows an independent and thoughtful person

they are like any provider
One can say, I am not finding this useful at this time. I will revisit if the situation changes. Thank you!

keep it short

[Anonymous]

OP why would you even try to save this marriage? He’s abusive and terrifying. Get out if not for you but for your children.

[Anonymous]

OP, Whew!

I am so disheartened by reading your post. 💔
Your marriage is in perfect shambles + I have to agree w/the others…..stop marriage counseling stat.
Not only is it not helping the marriage - but your marriage is not even worth saving at this stage.

This sounds worse than a mid-life crisis to me.

Your husband is a mixed bag of everything you do not want (or need!) in your life now or ever.
He obviously is not mentally stable & has a ton of anger issues at play.
His behavior toward his children is very problematic at best and it is better for ALL involved for you to divorce him.

[Anonymous]

OP here

Thanks to all who took the time to respond.

I am also feeling so disheartened at times.

During the very volatile period, I stayed mainly because I didn't want to get a divorce while he seemed like he could not handle it and would make it very high conflict.

He has started seeing an individual therapist in person which he hasn't done for over 10 years, so I guess that is something.

I am here in case he can get treatment for his mental health issues. When he's not in an episode like this, he can be a more caring and supportive partner. And of course I prefer to see our (young) kids every day.

A lot of his behavior is very bad anxiety. When he's in that place he feels like everyone and everything is against him. He lashes out with anger. I don't know if he knows the difference between his anxiety and himself.

I don't know how much longer I can meet him where he is. Or whether I even want to keep doing that. It feels fruitless sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Your description of him sounds like an untreated mental illness and an abuser. He's abusing you. Get out. Get a lawyer and maybe a gun. (And I'm super anti gun). One day he might kill you if you stay. Leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Thanks to all who took the time to respond.

I am also feeling so disheartened at times.

During the very volatile period, I stayed mainly because I didn't want to get a divorce while he seemed like he could not handle it and would make it very high conflict.

He has started seeing an individual therapist in person which he hasn't done for over 10 years, so I guess that is something.

I am here in case he can get treatment for his mental health issues. When he's not in an episode like this, he can be a more caring and supportive partner. And of course I prefer to see our (young) kids every day.

A lot of his behavior is very bad anxiety. When he's in that place he feels like everyone and everything is against him. He lashes out with anger. I don't know if he knows the difference between his anxiety and himself.

I don't know how much longer I can meet him where he is. Or whether I even want to keep doing that. It feels fruitless sometimes.

Anxiety is an understatement.

Chronic anger, ODD, lashing out, taking everything personal & starting arguments via false accusations… that’s all psychotic.

[Anonymous]

Honesty this sounds like an article I read about a woman who later found out her husband had some type of dementia (not Alzheimer’s and I can’t remember the name or find the article). He was young like 40s it was such a sad article. Maybe he has a medical condition? Not that that helps you at all. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[Anonymous]

Found the article: https://www.thecut.com/2023/04/dementia-diagnosis-marriage.html

[Anonymous]

OP, if you really think the problem is anxiety, I would encourage him to also get screened by a psychiatrist. A therapist cannot prescribe medication. Therapy is great, but sometimes people also need medicine, either short term until they can learn better coping skills or long term.

IMO, therapy should always go along with visits to 1) the family physician to screen for physical causes (dementia, thyroid, etc.) and 2) psychiatrist to screen for mental illness (depression, anxiety, etc.)