Partner manipulating marriage therapy — advice?
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Anonymous
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Background:
My DH has had anger and mental health issues on and off. Last year he accused me of trying to kill him, assaulting him, etc. He threatened me with police, lawyers, restraining orders, divorce, public humiliation, torching my property, contacting my colleagues, etc. We separated for a period. He refused individual therapy during this time. He harassed me with accusations and threats during the separation. I did not want to divorce when he was that escalated, as I thought a high conflict divorce would be very negative for me and the kids. Occasionally he behaved normally, and in fact many times after exploding with rage would go back to normal within minutes as if nothing happened. We got a new marriage therapist in August. He cancelled the first session but then reluctantly went. Ranted about divorce the whole time. The guy calmly told him to go ahead. On the way home he started crying and said he didn’t want to get divorced. We continued therapy. He calmed down a lot. He still had rage explosions but maybe monthly instead of several times a week. He was suddenly much more reasonable. He started therapy. I was skeptical at first, but the more he stayed this way, the more I realized that he could control his behavior. The odd thing was that whenever he was called out or asked to make some effort for the relationship that he didn’t want to do, the accusations and threats came back. Like we would be talking about a more equal schedule, and suddenly he would come up with a bizarre violent thing I supposedly said or did. Finally I confronted him about this and told him that if he really thought I did these terrible things he should get a divorce or call the police. Not sit in counseling. He stopped. He also apologized for his threats (about two months ago). Current situation: After the holidays, we had a therapy session that was terrible. He accused me of traumatizing the kids and ranted with anger. Would not let me speak. I asked him at the end if he would agree to show me a credit card statement that was several thousands of dollars more than usual. He refused and got even more angry and accusatory. I asked because his behavior the past month has been off. He’s hot and cold. Suspect he is moving money and maybe meeting with lawyers for a divorce. Therapist said he needed to meet with us individually and asked us to sign releases so he could talk with our individual therapists. What can I possibly tell the therapist that would be helpful here? I feel so frustrated and at my wits end in sessions. When he starts accusing me I am upset (last year, one of the accusations ended with a false assault charge that I had to clear in court). Knowing he most likely doesn’t believe what he says but is just trying to malign me to “win” some advantage or scare me is awful. But I feel like arguing or defending just makes things worse. And I worry that airing my side of the story makes me sound combative or defensive. Obviously this is a miserable situation and I need to leave. I was hoping he might get treatment and we could try to talk things out. But my hopes of this are dimming. We have two young kids. I was also hoping I could stick it out for at least a few more years until the youngest is a bit older and more independent. He is a bit narcissistic with them — sometimes very warm and attentive, showering with gifts, but he does not like to do the work of parenting. He is very obviously going through a midlife crisis and spends evenings away from the house every week. I’d be particularly interested in hearing from any therapists out there. |
Anonymous
| Therapist here: I'm sorry you are experiencing this. What is your question? Whether you should meet alone with the counselor or why he wants to meet alone with you? Do you have your own therapist? You need one and a lawyer. My guess is the therapist is going to try and assess your safety to see if there is physical abuse in the marriage or any danger to the children. |
Anonymous
| get out and don't look back. Let him blow up. he will look bad. |
Anonymous
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OP, you need a lawyer yesterday. Try to find one with experience with a spouse with mental illness.
Does he have a psychiatrist? Would he agree to an evaluation? This seems beyond therapy and as though he may need mood stabilizers. Is there proof of the threats besides your testimony? That could be helpful. Is he employed? Was he able to work during the time of paranoia and threats? |
Anonymous
Thanks for responding. I do have my own therapist. She is great and helped me realize how bad the situation was — I was minimizing as a coping mechanism. I had a lawyer due to the legal issues. When we started therapy again we agreed to withdraw our retainers. I suspect he has retained his and that’s why he doesn’t want me to see the statement. I do not feel that I or the kids are in physical danger. But there is obviously emotional abuse. What I’m confused about is that my therapist told me to speak up in therapy. When I do, I get the impression that this therapist thinks it’s a high conflict couple situation. I feel frustrated that I might not be conveying the depth of my husband’s manipulation because he’s very convincing and can put on a good emotional show of being a victim. I guess I could give some examples or something. Mostly I’m just exhausted and maybe it comes across that I don’t have any compassion or patience left for his emotional needs at this point. |
Anonymous
Yes, he put many of them in writing. Restraining order, divorce, lawyers, emailing all my family and friends, etc. He has exploded in front of friends and my family also this past year. He does seem to be going through a mood issue on top of maybe some kind of untreated trauma/personality issue, on top of the midlife crisis. But what do I know. |
Anonymous
| Plus he’s having an affair. |
Anonymous
| DP. I’m just saying that the rage, the refusing to show you credit card statements, and the several evenings out every week - those are all affair behaviors. |
Anonymous
| OP didn’t post about the possibility he is having an affair. I read the thread and it seems clear to me. But I didn’t identify myself as a NP. |
Anonymous
OP here I would agree with this except I think he’s too self centered right now to even offer enough to make an affair worth it for someone. Maybe. Although I guess he can be charming when he wants something. |
Anonymous
| You need advice from a lawyer and you just need to be ready for a very high conflict divorce. Some day, you will be free of this. Just focus on that light at the end of the very long tunnel. |
Anonymous
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The control over his emotions when he wants is a very big flag and I’m glad you noticed it. He is abusive. He may also have a mood disorder but it is separate. Please look at Why Does He Do That, particularly chapter 2 on the mythology.
You deserve to feel better and safe and right now he is not your partner in that effort. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf |
Anonymous
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Talk to us about money. Sounds like he is using therapy and the courts to wage lawfare and build a case through construction
Who has the money here? If it’s 50/50 walk immediately this thing is done. Do not risk your career and children over this faker |
Anonymous
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I have a family member who divorced a man with bipolar disorder that made violent threats against her. He served her when they were leaving a joint therapy session. He got a men's rights lawyer and attempted to manipulate the judge and the child custody evaluator into believing that she was abusive to him and secretly doing drugs in front of the kids. He had zero interest in parenting, but asked for 70% custody for himself and all legal decision making power. It took a year and a half for her to settle it, which included her being drug tested off of nothing but his false claims.
You have no idea how much danger you are in. Family court judges and custody evaluators are very aware of the perception that men don't get an equal shake in custody cases and have overcorrected as of late to believe men more than women. His claims against you may be taken credibly by the judge, unless you act NOW to protect yourself. You need to speak to a divorce lawyer THIS WEEK. |
Anonymous
OP here I’m sorry for your family member. I did speak to a lawyer back when the false assault charge was filed. They basically told me anyone can say anything. Without evidence it’s empty. What other “protection” can I take? |