How to teach daughter how to be a good wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with divorce parents. When I got married I didn’t actually know how to be a good wife or how to select a husband. Eventually I got divorced. I don’t want my daughter to repeat this cycle. I also don’t think want to remarry. I’ve dated some and it seems to be a distraction from parenting. Any advice for how to teach these things to my daughter while not being married? What are important things to teach in this regard?

Omg OP stop

What’s wrong with you? That should not be a goal.

You should raise a confident woman who doesn’t rely on a man.

Wow 1950 crap

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I learned from my grandma and my mom:
-When I was preg with our first child, my mom sat me down and said the most important thing to this transition will be to not stomp all over DH's efforts. She told me that there will be many things he will do differently than me, but what matters is the effort. She said if it is not a direct safety issue (including emotional wellbeing), do not comment on it. She told me that she has seen so many husbands try hard at the beginning, constantly get criticized or corrected by the wife, and then eventually they just stop trying and the wife has all this resentment that she is the primary parent. You bet I kept my mouth shut when DH dressed DD in a onesie snapped over the pants or in an "outfit" of tights plus a shirt. It's served us well.
-Keep at least one bank account for yourself always.
-Feelings are not facts.
-Working to understand your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it, provides more value than bickering over it.
-When things are chaotic, especially with little kids, get everyone in water or outside. Sounds crazy, but I've followed this faithfully. Kids are fighting and rambunctious at 8pm? Get your coats on we are going to run around the yard. DH and I are snippy with one another? Come on, we're walking the dog or taking a shower together.
-Just try. People divorce when there is no effort. If both people are trying, chances are good that things will progress forward.
-Get dinner on the table every night. Not in a sexist woman in the kitchen way, but in a it's been a long day for everyone and I love you all and want to connect over a meal kind of way. My grandma (88), mom (66), myself (35) and my two daughters (6 and 4) bond over cooking and baking together all the time and then we enjoy big family meals from our efforts....and then play board games as the men clean up!

This is a good list, though, honestly, the last one rankles. I appreciate it has worked for your family, but it's tough to distinguish the sexist way of getting a meal on the table and your way. Presumably, many days are long and hard for the woman too. But ultimately, so much of being a "good wife" is really about teaching her to rise about her own feelings and be pleasant for others. Something about that, over a lifetime, makes me deeply sad.

Men can cook

Men can clean

Men can etc.

I hate this post

What about a good husband?

OP your post is absurd grow up all of you and stop making assumptions about how other women need to be good wives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with divorce parents. When I got married I didn’t actually know how to be a good wife or how to select a husband. Eventually I got divorced. I don’t want my daughter to repeat this cycle. I also don’t think want to remarry. I’ve dated some and it seems to be a distraction from parenting. Any advice for how to teach these things to my daughter while not being married? What are important things to teach in this regard?

Omg OP stop

What’s wrong with you? That should not be a goal.

You should raise a confident woman who doesn’t rely on a man.

Wow 1950 crap

+1
I'd rather teach my daughter not to take any crap and dont settle for a subpar partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I learned from my grandma and my mom:
-When I was preg with our first child, my mom sat me down and said the most important thing to this transition will be to not stomp all over DH's efforts. She told me that there will be many things he will do differently than me, but what matters is the effort. She said if it is not a direct safety issue (including emotional wellbeing), do not comment on it. She told me that she has seen so many husbands try hard at the beginning, constantly get criticized or corrected by the wife, and then eventually they just stop trying and the wife has all this resentment that she is the primary parent. You bet I kept my mouth shut when DH dressed DD in a onesie snapped over the pants or in an "outfit" of tights plus a shirt. It's served us well.
-Keep at least one bank account for yourself always.
-Feelings are not facts.
-Working to understand your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it, provides more value than bickering over it.
-When things are chaotic, especially with little kids, get everyone in water or outside. Sounds crazy, but I've followed this faithfully. Kids are fighting and rambunctious at 8pm? Get your coats on we are going to run around the yard. DH and I are snippy with one another? Come on, we're walking the dog or taking a shower together.
-Just try. People divorce when there is no effort. If both people are trying, chances are good that things will progress forward.
-Get dinner on the table every night. Not in a sexist woman in the kitchen way, but in a it's been a long day for everyone and I love you all and want to connect over a meal kind of way. My grandma (88), mom (66), myself (35) and my two daughters (6 and 4) bond over cooking and baking together all the time and then we enjoy big family meals from our efforts....and then play board games as the men clean up!

DP here.

I think you have a good list. I appreciate that when women are cooking, the men are cleaning. The work does not have to be exactly equal because marriage is a partnership towards creating a household where everyone's needs are met. It has to absolutely have to be equitable and both partners have to contribute something.

As a wife and mom, I am quite house-proud. My DH can live in a slightly cluttered home and he is pretty good cook. Over the years, when my workload increases at work or when I am traveling or sick, my DH can take over the task of running the household solo. But, in normal circumstances, I love to have a warm dinner for everyone, I love hosting people, I love having a clean house - and I take on these responsibilities willingly.

Marriage is not about keeping scores. It is about making your home a place of safety, comfort and peace.

I find that people say "marriage not about keeping score" when they want the person doing more not to complain.

[Anonymous]

Don’t. If you haven’t succeeded (which you haven’t), you don’t have anything of value to proactively teach.

[Anonymous]

Teach her how to vet a potential partner.

Are they compatible in areas of money, career goals, religion, morals, hobbies, relationship goals, kids/no kids/how many, where they want to live, substance use, etc? Love does not conquer all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I learned from my grandma and my mom:
-When I was preg with our first child, my mom sat me down and said the most important thing to this transition will be to not stomp all over DH's efforts. She told me that there will be many things he will do differently than me, but what matters is the effort. She said if it is not a direct safety issue (including emotional wellbeing), do not comment on it. She told me that she has seen so many husbands try hard at the beginning, constantly get criticized or corrected by the wife, and then eventually they just stop trying and the wife has all this resentment that she is the primary parent. You bet I kept my mouth shut when DH dressed DD in a onesie snapped over the pants or in an "outfit" of tights plus a shirt. It's served us well.
-Keep at least one bank account for yourself always.
-Feelings are not facts.
-Working to understand your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it, provides more value than bickering over it.
-When things are chaotic, especially with little kids, get everyone in water or outside. Sounds crazy, but I've followed this faithfully. Kids are fighting and rambunctious at 8pm? Get your coats on we are going to run around the yard. DH and I are snippy with one another? Come on, we're walking the dog or taking a shower together.
-Just try. People divorce when there is no effort. If both people are trying, chances are good that things will progress forward.
-Get dinner on the table every night. Not in a sexist woman in the kitchen way, but in a it's been a long day for everyone and I love you all and want to connect over a meal kind of way. My grandma (88), mom (66), myself (35) and my two daughters (6 and 4) bond over cooking and baking together all the time and then we enjoy big family meals from our efforts....and then play board games as the men clean up!

This is a good list, though, honestly, the last one rankles. I appreciate it has worked for your family, but it's tough to distinguish the sexist way of getting a meal on the table and your way. Presumably, many days are long and hard for the woman too. But ultimately, so much of being a "good wife" is really about teaching her to rise about her own feelings and be pleasant for others. Something about that, over a lifetime, makes me deeply sad.

Agreed. It's a nice list that can be gender neutral, until you got to that last item. I assume you were/are all SAHMs? Otherwise, I do think those sentiments are valid and helpful, for spouses of any gender.

yeah-talking about all of theses things with your partner before getting into a long term relationship is important and sometimes, even though I am the SAHP, I am too pooped to have a meal on the table, its my husband who cooks and I veg out while the kids play a game or my husband and I both cook a meal together while the kids watch tv or one kid helps one parent but the point is that the family needs to eat something nourishing and be grateful that they can fed themselves and also move your body and get fresh air. It's ok to tell your husband- I am too tired, you parent and that means the kids do activities, eat home made meals and the laundry gets done- if I can do it, so can he .Honestly the last time I did this I had food poisoning but as I mentioned, this is all my job bc I stay home with the kids, but communicating with your partner is important and placing the well being of the family on both adults' shoulders, not just "mom" and NEVER the kids is vital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with divorce parents. When I got married I didn’t actually know how to be a good wife or how to select a husband. Eventually I got divorced. I don’t want my daughter to repeat this cycle. I also don’t think want to remarry. I’ve dated some and it seems to be a distraction from parenting. Any advice for how to teach these things to my daughter while not being married? What are important things to teach in this regard?

Omg OP stop

What’s wrong with you? That should not be a goal.

You should raise a confident woman who doesn’t rely on a man.

Wow 1950 crap

NP. And yet people like you constantly post “how to find a good husband” lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with divorce parents. When I got married I didn’t actually know how to be a good wife or how to select a husband. Eventually I got divorced. I don’t want my daughter to repeat this cycle. I also don’t think want to remarry. I’ve dated some and it seems to be a distraction from parenting. Any advice for how to teach these things to my daughter while not being married? What are important things to teach in this regard?

Omg OP stop

What’s wrong with you? That should not be a goal.

You should raise a confident woman who doesn’t rely on a man.

Wow 1950 crap

I think you are stuck in 1950. Why do you assume that women only marry men? Maybe OP’s daughter is lesbian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with divorce parents. When I got married I didn’t actually know how to be a good wife or how to select a husband. Eventually I got divorced. I don’t want my daughter to repeat this cycle. I also don’t think want to remarry. I’ve dated some and it seems to be a distraction from parenting. Any advice for how to teach these things to my daughter while not being married? What are important things to teach in this regard?

Omg OP stop

What’s wrong with you? That should not be a goal.

You should raise a confident woman who doesn’t rely on a man.

Wow 1950 crap

Building a strong family does not equate "rely" on a man.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter if you've daughters or sons, both need to be good partners to have good partnerships.

Be a team, not a 50-50 but a fluid team where depending on life's needs, either one can be 70 or 80 or even more in case of temporary adversity.

Honesty, kindness, communication, commitment and friendship are foundation of a healthy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you frame it as “how to be a good partner”, you won’t get the hate on here. The first thing is that the person needs to also have the same qualities - compassion, respect, willingness to apologize, consideration, and ability to compromise. It’s not going to work if only she is prepared to make concessions or put the other one first.

I think your answer diminishes the valuable and unique role that woman plays in the marriage. What you listed is a great list for friendship or partnership, but not for husband-wife relationships.

Look at this list you are responding to "compassion, respect, willingness to apologize, consideration, and ability to compromise." I shudder to even ask: but how does that diminish the "valuable and unique role that woman plays in the marriage."

[Anonymous]

And there is no harm in one person taking over cooking if other person compensates in other ways, like taking up a part time job, cleaning, mowing/snow removal, teaching kids etc. There shouldn't be any gender or earner assigned tasks, just working together for betterment of whole family without burdening one member.

[Anonymous]

Overall, just raise them to be kind, fair and emotionally intelligent people, they'll be able to pick good partners and be good partners, relationships would work out organically.

[Anonymous]

If this is not a troll… teacher to br healthy and independent and secure, and that will attract the same. Have the hard conversations early on and do a serious pre martial counseling session. Not one affiliated with a church or temple, but a couples therapist that can tease out canned answers form actual understanding of sharing the load, cleaning up habits, healthcare, child care demands, etc.

Biggest marital friction is a clueless spouse who can’t learn or is stubborn coupled with a non clueless spouse.

Clueless people should stay single.