How to teach daughter how to be a good wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I learned from my grandma and my mom:
-When I was preg with our first child, my mom sat me down and said the most important thing to this transition will be to not stomp all over DH's efforts. She told me that there will be many things he will do differently than me, but what matters is the effort. She said if it is not a direct safety issue (including emotional wellbeing), do not comment on it. She told me that she has seen so many husbands try hard at the beginning, constantly get criticized or corrected by the wife, and then eventually they just stop trying and the wife has all this resentment that she is the primary parent. You bet I kept my mouth shut when DH dressed DD in a onesie snapped over the pants or in an "outfit" of tights plus a shirt. It's served us well.
-Keep at least one bank account for yourself always.
-Feelings are not facts.
-Working to understand your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it, provides more value than bickering over it.
-When things are chaotic, especially with little kids, get everyone in water or outside. Sounds crazy, but I've followed this faithfully. Kids are fighting and rambunctious at 8pm? Get your coats on we are going to run around the yard. DH and I are snippy with one another? Come on, we're walking the dog or taking a shower together.
-Just try. People divorce when there is no effort. If both people are trying, chances are good that things will progress forward.
-Get dinner on the table every night. Not in a sexist woman in the kitchen way, but in a it's been a long day for everyone and I love you all and want to connect over a meal kind of way. My grandma (88), mom (66), myself (35) and my two daughters (6 and 4) bond over cooking and baking together all the time and then we enjoy big family meals from our efforts....and then play board games as the men clean up!

This is a good list, though, honestly, the last one rankles. I appreciate it has worked for your family, but it's tough to distinguish the sexist way of getting a meal on the table and your way. Presumably, many days are long and hard for the woman too. But ultimately, so much of being a "good wife" is really about teaching her to rise about her own feelings and be pleasant for others. Something about that, over a lifetime, makes me deeply sad.

It rankles me too. She sees herself as in charge of the emotional management of the home, and it’s not entirely necessary. I don’t do this, I live with an adult man and he knows how to soothe himself (after working on himself some).

The reality is, if divorce is simply off the table, you will find a way forward. Will it be the absolute best life ever? Who knows, probably not. Are there infinite ways to get through life married? Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok troll

I'm going to assume it's a valid question and some PPs have given good advice already. My brother is in the early stages of a divorce and fully acknowledges that he had a poor role model in our parents as to what a good husband and healthy marriage look like.

I won't offer advice here but appreciate that OP wants her DD to be equipped for successful, healthy long-term relationships if that's a path she chooses as an adult.

It seems your brother's issue is his inability to take responsibility for his actions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I learned from my grandma and my mom:
-When I was preg with our first child, my mom sat me down and said the most important thing to this transition will be to not stomp all over DH's efforts. She told me that there will be many things he will do differently than me, but what matters is the effort. She said if it is not a direct safety issue (including emotional wellbeing), do not comment on it. She told me that she has seen so many husbands try hard at the beginning, constantly get criticized or corrected by the wife, and then eventually they just stop trying and the wife has all this resentment that she is the primary parent. You bet I kept my mouth shut when DH dressed DD in a onesie snapped over the pants or in an "outfit" of tights plus a shirt. It's served us well.
-Keep at least one bank account for yourself always.
-Feelings are not facts.
-Working to understand your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it, provides more value than bickering over it.
-When things are chaotic, especially with little kids, get everyone in water or outside. Sounds crazy, but I've followed this faithfully. Kids are fighting and rambunctious at 8pm? Get your coats on we are going to run around the yard. DH and I are snippy with one another? Come on, we're walking the dog or taking a shower together.
-Just try. People divorce when there is no effort. If both people are trying, chances are good that things will progress forward.
-Get dinner on the table every night. Not in a sexist woman in the kitchen way, but in a it's been a long day for everyone and I love you all and want to connect over a meal kind of way. My grandma (88), mom (66), myself (35) and my two daughters (6 and 4) bond over cooking and baking together all the time and then we enjoy big family meals from our efforts....and then play board games as the men clean up!

Yeah, this would not fly. I'm surprised you didn't say to make sure you're made up and have a cocktail ready for him at the end of every day.

[Anonymous]

To quote Ruth bader ginsburg, “it helps to be a little deaf sometimes.”

[Anonymous]

Earn a Bachelor of Arts or a bachelor of sciences degree before you mate. Seek out a college educated individual. THIS is the real UMC advantage.

[Anonymous]

https://divorce-education.com/divorce-rate-by-education-level/#:~:text=The%20Census%20Bureau%20reported%20the,levels%20and%20lower%20divorce%20rates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I learned from my grandma and my mom:
-When I was preg with our first child, my mom sat me down and said the most important thing to this transition will be to not stomp all over DH's efforts. She told me that there will be many things he will do differently than me, but what matters is the effort. She said if it is not a direct safety issue (including emotional wellbeing), do not comment on it. She told me that she has seen so many husbands try hard at the beginning, constantly get criticized or corrected by the wife, and then eventually they just stop trying and the wife has all this resentment that she is the primary parent. You bet I kept my mouth shut when DH dressed DD in a onesie snapped over the pants or in an "outfit" of tights plus a shirt. It's served us well.
-Keep at least one bank account for yourself always.
-Feelings are not facts.
-Working to understand your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it, provides more value than bickering over it.
-When things are chaotic, especially with little kids, get everyone in water or outside. Sounds crazy, but I've followed this faithfully. Kids are fighting and rambunctious at 8pm? Get your coats on we are going to run around the yard. DH and I are snippy with one another? Come on, we're walking the dog or taking a shower together.
-Just try. People divorce when there is no effort. If both people are trying, chances are good that things will progress forward.
-Get dinner on the table every night. Not in a sexist woman in the kitchen way, but in a it's been a long day for everyone and I love you all and want to connect over a meal kind of way. My grandma (88), mom (66), myself (35) and my two daughters (6 and 4) bond over cooking and baking together all the time and then we enjoy big family meals from our efforts....and then play board games as the men clean up!

This is a good list, though, honestly, the last one rankles. I appreciate it has worked for your family, but it's tough to distinguish the sexist way of getting a meal on the table and your way. Presumably, many days are long and hard for the woman too. But ultimately, so much of being a "good wife" is really about teaching her to rise about her own feelings and be pleasant for others. Something about that, over a lifetime, makes me deeply sad.

Agreed. It's a nice list that can be gender neutral, until you got to that last item. I assume you were/are all SAHMs? Otherwise, I do think those sentiments are valid and helpful, for spouses of any gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok troll

I'm going to assume it's a valid question and some PPs have given good advice already. My brother is in the early stages of a divorce and fully acknowledges that he had a poor role model in our parents as to what a good husband and healthy marriage look like.

I won't offer advice here but appreciate that OP wants her DD to be equipped for successful, healthy long-term relationships if that's a path she chooses as an adult.

It seems your brother's issue is his inability to take responsibility for his actions

Right? Once you're an adult, it's really up to you. Unless there was abuse, that's just a lame argument for being a horrible husband. My husband has horrible parents and it definitely makes knowing how to treat me with respect come easily. He fails at it a lot, but he knows how to be better, despite crappy parents.

[Anonymous]

The wording of the original post makes me cringe and I've been married 30+ years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok troll

+

[Anonymous]

It's too late.

Hopefully she will get therapy.

[Anonymous]

I think your question is legit.

I dislike the subject wording - wish it was more about dc & healthy marriage vs good wife

Semantics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I learned from my grandma and my mom:
-When I was preg with our first child, my mom sat me down and said the most important thing to this transition will be to not stomp all over DH's efforts. She told me that there will be many things he will do differently than me, but what matters is the effort. She said if it is not a direct safety issue (including emotional wellbeing), do not comment on it. She told me that she has seen so many husbands try hard at the beginning, constantly get criticized or corrected by the wife, and then eventually they just stop trying and the wife has all this resentment that she is the primary parent. You bet I kept my mouth shut when DH dressed DD in a onesie snapped over the pants or in an "outfit" of tights plus a shirt. It's served us well.
-Keep at least one bank account for yourself always.
-Feelings are not facts.
-Working to understand your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it, provides more value than bickering over it.
-When things are chaotic, especially with little kids, get everyone in water or outside. Sounds crazy, but I've followed this faithfully. Kids are fighting and rambunctious at 8pm? Get your coats on we are going to run around the yard. DH and I are snippy with one another? Come on, we're walking the dog or taking a shower together.
-Just try. People divorce when there is no effort. If both people are trying, chances are good that things will progress forward.
-Get dinner on the table every night. Not in a sexist woman in the kitchen way, but in a it's been a long day for everyone and I love you all and want to connect over a meal kind of way. My grandma (88), mom (66), myself (35) and my two daughters (6 and 4) bond over cooking and baking together all the time and then we enjoy big family meals from our efforts....and then play board games as the men clean up!

DP here.

I think you have a good list. I appreciate that when women are cooking, the men are cleaning. The work does not have to be exactly equal because marriage is a partnership towards creating a household where everyone's needs are met. It has to absolutely have to be equitable and both partners have to contribute something.

As a wife and mom, I am quite house-proud. My DH can live in a slightly cluttered home and he is pretty good cook. Over the years, when my workload increases at work or when I am traveling or sick, my DH can take over the task of running the household solo. But, in normal circumstances, I love to have a warm dinner for everyone, I love hosting people, I love having a clean house - and I take on these responsibilities willingly.

Marriage is not about keeping scores. It is about making your home a place of safety, comfort and peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I learned from my grandma and my mom:
-When I was preg with our first child, my mom sat me down and said the most important thing to this transition will be to not stomp all over DH's efforts. She told me that there will be many things he will do differently than me, but what matters is the effort. She said if it is not a direct safety issue (including emotional wellbeing), do not comment on it. She told me that she has seen so many husbands try hard at the beginning, constantly get criticized or corrected by the wife, and then eventually they just stop trying and the wife has all this resentment that she is the primary parent. You bet I kept my mouth shut when DH dressed DD in a onesie snapped over the pants or in an "outfit" of tights plus a shirt. It's served us well.
-Keep at least one bank account for yourself always.
-Feelings are not facts.
-Working to understand your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it, provides more value than bickering over it.
-When things are chaotic, especially with little kids, get everyone in water or outside. Sounds crazy, but I've followed this faithfully. Kids are fighting and rambunctious at 8pm? Get your coats on we are going to run around the yard. DH and I are snippy with one another? Come on, we're walking the dog or taking a shower together.
-Just try. People divorce when there is no effort. If both people are trying, chances are good that things will progress forward.
-Get dinner on the table every night. Not in a sexist woman in the kitchen way, but in a it's been a long day for everyone and I love you all and want to connect over a meal kind of way. My grandma (88), mom (66), myself (35) and my two daughters (6 and 4) bond over cooking and baking together all the time and then we enjoy big family meals from our efforts....and then play board games as the men clean up!

This is a good list, though, honestly, the last one rankles. I appreciate it has worked for your family, but it's tough to distinguish the sexist way of getting a meal on the table and your way. Presumably, many days are long and hard for the woman too. But ultimately, so much of being a "good wife" is really about teaching her to rise about her own feelings and be pleasant for others. Something about that, over a lifetime, makes me deeply sad.

Agreed. It's a nice list that can be gender neutral, until you got to that last item. I assume you were/are all SAHMs? Otherwise, I do think those sentiments are valid and helpful, for spouses of any gender.

This list -could- be read as gender neutral (minus the last one). But let's be honest that these are tips that only women would say to other women. That's why it's a gross list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you frame it as “how to be a good partner”, you won’t get the hate on here. The first thing is that the person needs to also have the same qualities - compassion, respect, willingness to apologize, consideration, and ability to compromise. It’s not going to work if only she is prepared to make concessions or put the other one first.

I think your answer diminishes the valuable and unique role that woman plays in the marriage. What you listed is a great list for friendship or partnership, but not for husband-wife relationships.