How to teach daughter how to be a good wife?

[Anonymous]

I grew up with divorce parents. When I got married I didn’t actually know how to be a good wife or how to select a husband. Eventually I got divorced. I don’t want my daughter to repeat this cycle. I also don’t think want to remarry. I’ve dated some and it seems to be a distraction from parenting. Any advice for how to teach these things to my daughter while not being married? What are important things to teach in this regard?

[Anonymous]

Sounds more like you want to know how to teach your daughter to find a good spouse.

[Anonymous]

Ok troll

[Anonymous]

I think if you frame it as “how to be a good partner”, you won’t get the hate on here. The first thing is that the person needs to also have the same qualities - compassion, respect, willingness to apologize, consideration, and ability to compromise. It’s not going to work if only she is prepared to make concessions or put the other one first.

[Anonymous]

Therapy.

Kids in a low income cycle of divorce (which I’m guessing you are in) are highly likely to divorce. You can’t just tell her to do xyz differently than you. She’s seeing you do xyz incorrectly and she’s going to adopt those habits, whether you advise her not to.

[Anonymous]

Be a high quality person. There are no shortcuts. Look at yourself and talk to her honestly about your flaws.

[Anonymous]

Understand compromise is necessary. Determine what you can and cannot compromise on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Understand compromise is necessary. Determine what you can and cannot compromise on.

This was definitely a key to the success of my marriage. To add on, I think it’s important to give when it doesn’t matter to you and to be thoughtful and do nice things for your partner. I mean this both in the big picture and at a granular level.

[Anonymous]

At what age is it appropriate to explain to a young woman that physical intimacy is important. Tough question.

[Anonymous]

I am 62 and never married. Happily so, especially when observing the couples around me my whole life.

My adult daughter (22) and I have not had the continuing complications we see in other families. At this point in her life she does is not inclined to marry. I do hope she some day would like to have a child. We have both had good relationships with our various boyfriends (well, just 2 for her!). She is an excellent observer of human behavior, and starting her Phd program in Psychology. Her grandparents, now in their late 80s, are healthy and active. She often wonders why more couples can't "love each other like Grandmom and Pop-pop." She has grown up around families who are more divorced than not.

OP, teach your daughter to be that keen observer of human behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At what age is it appropriate to explain to a young woman that physical intimacy is important. Tough question.

When she is engaged, since the topic at hand is how to be a good wife.

[Anonymous]

This is what I learned from my grandma and my mom:
-When I was preg with our first child, my mom sat me down and said the most important thing to this transition will be to not stomp all over DH's efforts. She told me that there will be many things he will do differently than me, but what matters is the effort. She said if it is not a direct safety issue (including emotional wellbeing), do not comment on it. She told me that she has seen so many husbands try hard at the beginning, constantly get criticized or corrected by the wife, and then eventually they just stop trying and the wife has all this resentment that she is the primary parent. You bet I kept my mouth shut when DH dressed DD in a onesie snapped over the pants or in an "outfit" of tights plus a shirt. It's served us well.
-Keep at least one bank account for yourself always.
-Feelings are not facts.
-Working to understand your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it, provides more value than bickering over it.
-When things are chaotic, especially with little kids, get everyone in water or outside. Sounds crazy, but I've followed this faithfully. Kids are fighting and rambunctious at 8pm? Get your coats on we are going to run around the yard. DH and I are snippy with one another? Come on, we're walking the dog or taking a shower together.
-Just try. People divorce when there is no effort. If both people are trying, chances are good that things will progress forward.
-Get dinner on the table every night. Not in a sexist woman in the kitchen way, but in a it's been a long day for everyone and I love you all and want to connect over a meal kind of way. My grandma (88), mom (66), myself (35) and my two daughters (6 and 4) bond over cooking and baking together all the time and then we enjoy big family meals from our efforts....and then play board games as the men clean up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I learned from my grandma and my mom:
-When I was preg with our first child, my mom sat me down and said the most important thing to this transition will be to not stomp all over DH's efforts. She told me that there will be many things he will do differently than me, but what matters is the effort. She said if it is not a direct safety issue (including emotional wellbeing), do not comment on it. She told me that she has seen so many husbands try hard at the beginning, constantly get criticized or corrected by the wife, and then eventually they just stop trying and the wife has all this resentment that she is the primary parent. You bet I kept my mouth shut when DH dressed DD in a onesie snapped over the pants or in an "outfit" of tights plus a shirt. It's served us well.
-Keep at least one bank account for yourself always.
-Feelings are not facts.
-Working to understand your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it, provides more value than bickering over it.
-When things are chaotic, especially with little kids, get everyone in water or outside. Sounds crazy, but I've followed this faithfully. Kids are fighting and rambunctious at 8pm? Get your coats on we are going to run around the yard. DH and I are snippy with one another? Come on, we're walking the dog or taking a shower together.
-Just try. People divorce when there is no effort. If both people are trying, chances are good that things will progress forward.
-Get dinner on the table every night. Not in a sexist woman in the kitchen way, but in a it's been a long day for everyone and I love you all and want to connect over a meal kind of way. My grandma (88), mom (66), myself (35) and my two daughters (6 and 4) bond over cooking and baking together all the time and then we enjoy big family meals from our efforts....and then play board games as the men clean up!

This is a good list, though, honestly, the last one rankles. I appreciate it has worked for your family, but it's tough to distinguish the sexist way of getting a meal on the table and your way. Presumably, many days are long and hard for the woman too. But ultimately, so much of being a "good wife" is really about teaching her to rise about her own feelings and be pleasant for others. Something about that, over a lifetime, makes me deeply sad.

[Anonymous]

Teach her to be a good person who is not selfish. Teach her basic life skills. Cooking, cleaning, bill paying, work ethic.

Same thing for sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok troll

I'm going to assume it's a valid question and some PPs have given good advice already. My brother is in the early stages of a divorce and fully acknowledges that he had a poor role model in our parents as to what a good husband and healthy marriage look like.

I won't offer advice here but appreciate that OP wants her DD to be equipped for successful, healthy long-term relationships if that's a path she chooses as an adult.