Friends who are too Concerned With Privacy...

[Anonymous]

OP,

They don't want to tell you that they have a therapy appointment (or an appointment with a lawyer, or something really personal). When you see them in the grocery store, it doesn't mean that's ALL they did...

Ever think of that???

[Anonymous]

I am not seeing the problem here? She didn't lie, she did have a prior commitment (even just grocery shopping, sometimes I set aside times to do chores and run errands and I don't always want or am not able to do them another time).

I have a friend who always pushes back if I say I am busy who I am purposely vague to - otherwise she will keep pushing me. She would say well grocery shopping should only take 1 hour, so you can come over after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is like this and it has rubbed off on my brother. Every detail of their life that is shared with me is followed up with "Please don't tell anyone that we are...(what they are doing). Who would I possibly tell? Who would care?

Agreed! An annoying trait that I have noticed from people lately. The most mundane information that I would never share to another person (because it has no interest to anyone) or be a topic of discussion (again because it has no relevance to anyone else) is asked to "please don't tell anyone..." Just odd and annoying if it's repeatedly asked

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with others that if you find a friend behaving evasively around you, and it turns out the stuff they are hiding is really normal (like going to the grocery store) odds are good that you have a conversational style or personality they find overly invasive and are trying to avoid something.

Could be that they know you are the sort to say "oh I'll just come to the grocery store with you and then we can chat" and they don't want that so they are very vague.

Could be they know you will ask them a million questions about it (which grocery store, how do get there, do you shop weekly or more often, are you making something specific, have you tried this recipe website, etc. etc.) and don't want to answer them so they are vague.

Could be they think you are gossipy and overly nosy and likely to share anything they say with others, and don't really want you running off to tell other people "Ugh I asked Carla out for coffee and she said she couldn't because she had to go to the grocery store. How lame is that? She's so anti-social, she never wants to do anything."

Wow...you and others are so harsh to OP. Nothing in her post suggests this or her being needy or nosy or overbearing. Her confusion by this friend's behavior is understandable.

[Anonymous]

who cares?

all that matters is whether they are free to hang with you

if they aren't that's their decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with others that if you find a friend behaving evasively around you, and it turns out the stuff they are hiding is really normal (like going to the grocery store) odds are good that you have a conversational style or personality they find overly invasive and are trying to avoid something.

Could be that they know you are the sort to say "oh I'll just come to the grocery store with you and then we can chat" and they don't want that so they are very vague.

Could be they know you will ask them a million questions about it (which grocery store, how do get there, do you shop weekly or more often, are you making something specific, have you tried this recipe website, etc. etc.) and don't want to answer them so they are vague.

Could be they think you are gossipy and overly nosy and likely to share anything they say with others, and don't really want you running off to tell other people "Ugh I asked Carla out for coffee and she said she couldn't because she had to go to the grocery store. How lame is that? She's so anti-social, she never wants to do anything."

Wow...you and others are so harsh to OP. Nothing in her post suggests this or her being needy or nosy or overbearing. Her confusion by this friend's behavior is understandable.

The fact that she bothered to find out that the prior commitment was grocery shopping indicates she's nosy and overbearing. The fact that she is so bothered by a friend declining an invite for coffee (for literally any reason) indicates she's needy. And she's not actually confused -- the friend said she had something else to do, and then the friend did something else. There's no confusion.

OP is mad that the friend said "I have a prior commitment" instead of "I'm busy." Like this is how controlling OP is -- she's upset about a word choice that is synonymous with what she wishes the friend had said.

[Anonymous]

It has nothing to do with privacy but with manners OP. ( There was almost an identical story in yesterday's " Miss Manners" column).

It is none of your business OP and they simply do not want to have to lie or make up an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is "I have a prior commitment" any different "Im busy"? That is literally the same thing? Why are you making drama out of nothing?

I can't speak for OP but prior commitment sounds a bit extra when referring to grocery shopping which isn't a fixed appointment. If I used that as my reason to decline and then ran into the person at the grocery store I would be embarrassed. I wouldn't be embarrassed if I said I was busy or had stuff to do.

+1

I would directly ask the person what they were doing and say you saw them at the grocery store. Just be direct. Make them squirm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*Intrude

I grew up with very private parents. One was just a quiet person who also was ashamed of a lot of aspects of our family, and one was also ashamed of those same aspects plus others, and in addiction was kind of paranoid. It made me a very private person, and yes sometimes about weird things.

*addition

As long as we're correcting other's

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*Intrude

I grew up with very private parents. One was just a quiet person who also was ashamed of a lot of aspects of our family, and one was also ashamed of those same aspects plus others, and in addiction was kind of paranoid. It made me a very private person, and yes sometimes about weird things.

+1

I notice this with dysfunctional people/families - they are more quiet, and less apt to share, and tend to think those that share the most innocuous things are (negative adjective here).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is like this and it has rubbed off on my brother. Every detail of their life that is shared with me is followed up with "Please don't tell anyone that we are...(what they are doing). Who would I possibly tell? Who would care?

This is what happens when you grow up with critical parents and/or an enmeshed family. Your boundaries were not respected and therefore you are reluctant to share details of your life since the independence was hard-won.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recently I realized that I have a few friends who are concerned with privacy but they are not any private matters per say. Among a few, one couple is very obvious. Example: going to the grocery but would tell me "I have a prior commitment." I do not want to / do not need to / nor did I ask to know everyday details of their life. "I asked if you are free stop by for a cup of coffee, it will be nice to catch up." In the meantime mutual friends know personal details of their lives which by definition of privacy may fit as private such as salary. I am at a loss. I do not introod into people's business. Feeling bit hurt after seeing an obvious pattern. I would say I have been a good friend to this person/couple. Thanks for reading.

I don’t tell people because I don’t want to hurt feelings. Like friend invites me over but I want to stay home and organize the pantry. It is mundane and so I say I have a prior commitment. I don’t want to send the impression that I’d rather sit at home and be boring instead of hanging out with you. Just trying not to hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

People these days have a pathological need to appear busy and in-demand at all times. Hence they gussy up “doing errands” as “having a pre-existing commitment”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recently I realized that I have a few friends who are concerned with privacy but they are not any private matters per say. Among a few, one couple is very obvious. Example: going to the grocery but would tell me "I have a prior commitment." I do not want to / do not need to / nor did I ask to know everyday details of their life. "I asked if you are free stop by for a cup of coffee, it will be nice to catch up." In the meantime mutual friends know personal details of their lives which by definition of privacy may fit as private such as salary. I am at a loss. I do not introod into people's business. Feeling bit hurt after seeing an obvious pattern. I would say I have been a good friend to this person/couple. Thanks for reading.

I don’t tell people because I don’t want to hurt feelings. Like friend invites me over but I want to stay home and organize the pantry. It is mundane and so I say I have a prior commitment. I don’t want to send the impression that I’d rather sit at home and be boring instead of hanging out with you. Just trying not to hurt feelings.

It sounds like you don’t like that friend then, if you are prioritizing pantry over getting together. OP was saying her friend berates her for not inviting her over

[Anonymous]

Op knows the friend is going to the grocery store when that wasn't shared and that a mutual friend know the original friends salary? Need more information but if you are taking to a third friend about other people's salary and movement, this may be the reason the first friends declines to share.