Friends who are too Concerned With Privacy...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I previously mentioned that I don't inquire about personal details or gossip, and I didn't seek any information. I became aware of their grocery trip because they greeted me at the store. I'm consulting DCUM because I'm frustrated and uncertain how to handle this person when I can't entirely cut off contact.

Moving forward, I'll probably value easy-going individuals much more. I believe the issue lies with me for being consistently gracious and polite without ever addressing this person's behavior.

Bye, Nance. PEASE give me the gift of “not valuing me” in the future.

[Anonymous]

I think they got tired of you using the term "per say" and decided to cut you out of their lives (it is spelled per se and just don't use it anymore, please).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I previously mentioned that I don't inquire about personal details or gossip, and I didn't seek any information. I became aware of their grocery trip because they greeted me at the store. I'm consulting DCUM because I'm frustrated and uncertain how to handle this person when I can't entirely cut off contact.

Moving forward, I'll probably value easy-going individuals much more. I believe the issue lies with me for being consistently gracious and polite without ever addressing this person's behavior.

I would approach them and ask if they enjoyed that sale at Giant since they bought 4 packs of English muffins which seems way too much for their family size. And did they know wheat is healthier than white? Then I would ask if they now want to get coffee since they shouldn't have anymore prior "commitments." I would absolutely use air quotes when I say commitment as well.

[Anonymous]

It reminded me of an old thread where the OP was declined a play date because the hostess was supposed to do laundry at the proposed time, and felt offended.
I think they felt bad saying they’d rather go the grocery store than hang out with OP so they invented a commitment

[Anonymous]

My DH seems like he’s private to the point of paranoia, but it’s actually because of HFA and having pretty slow verbal processing speed. He can’t reply to questions quickly and doesn’t have a go-to script for spontaneous answers, so he’ll often revert to not really answering questions. It’s not noticeable to close friends but weird and off-putting to acquaintances and strangers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is "I have a prior commitment" any different "Im busy"? That is literally the same thing? Why are you making drama out of nothing?

I can't speak for OP but prior commitment sounds a bit extra when referring to grocery shopping which isn't a fixed appointment. If I used that as my reason to decline and then ran into the person at the grocery store I would be embarrassed. I wouldn't be embarrassed if I said I was busy or had stuff to do.

+1

I would directly ask the person what they were doing and say you saw them at the grocery store. Just be direct. Make them squirm.

Why would they squirm? They might well have had another commitment pre or post grocery store. Or they had planned/scheduled grocery shopping because that worked with their schedule or they needed something by a particular date/time and that was the only time they could go. OP is literally mad because they said they had plans/were busy but she doesn't like the words they used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recently I realized that I have a few friends who are concerned with privacy but they are not any private matters per say. Among a few, one couple is very obvious. Example: going to the grocery but would tell me "I have a prior commitment." I do not want to / do not need to / nor did I ask to know everyday details of their life. "I asked if you are free stop by for a cup of coffee, it will be nice to catch up." In the meantime mutual friends know personal details of their lives which by definition of privacy may fit as private such as salary. I am at a loss. I do not introod into people's business. Feeling bit hurt after seeing an obvious pattern. I would say I have been a good friend to this person/couple. Thanks for reading.

I don’t tell people because I don’t want to hurt feelings. Like friend invites me over but I want to stay home and organize the pantry. It is mundane and so I say I have a prior commitment. I don’t want to send the impression that I’d rather sit at home and be boring instead of hanging out with you. Just trying not to hurt feelings.

It sounds like you don’t like that friend then, if you are prioritizing pantry over getting together. OP was saying her friend berates her for not inviting her over

See, this is why people like PP are vague. I might really like someone, but also have a household task that needs to get done and the block of time they ask about is the only stretch of time I can do it. I wouldn't tell someone I'm declining an invitation to organize my pantry or buy food to avoid that assumption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is "I have a prior commitment" any different "Im busy"? That is literally the same thing? Why are you making drama out of nothing?

I can't speak for OP but prior commitment sounds a bit extra when referring to grocery shopping which isn't a fixed appointment. If I used that as my reason to decline and then ran into the person at the grocery store I would be embarrassed. I wouldn't be embarrassed if I said I was busy or had stuff to do.

+1

I would directly ask the person what they were doing and say you saw them at the grocery store. Just be direct. Make them squirm.

Why would they squirm? They might well have had another commitment pre or post grocery store. Or they had planned/scheduled grocery shopping because that worked with their schedule or they needed something by a particular date/time and that was the only time they could go. OP is literally mad because they said they had plans/were busy but she doesn't like the words they used.

No they lied and misrepresented that they had plans when they didn’t. They should be confronted for their lies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recently I realized that I have a few friends who are concerned with privacy but they are not any private matters per say. Among a few, one couple is very obvious. Example: going to the grocery but would tell me "I have a prior commitment." I do not want to / do not need to / nor did I ask to know everyday details of their life. "I asked if you are free stop by for a cup of coffee, it will be nice to catch up." In the meantime mutual friends know personal details of their lives which by definition of privacy may fit as private such as salary. I am at a loss. I do not introod into people's business. Feeling bit hurt after seeing an obvious pattern. I would say I have been a good friend to this person/couple. Thanks for reading.

I don’t tell people because I don’t want to hurt feelings. Like friend invites me over but I want to stay home and organize the pantry. It is mundane and so I say I have a prior commitment. I don’t want to send the impression that I’d rather sit at home and be boring instead of hanging out with you. Just trying not to hurt feelings.

It sounds like you don’t like that friend then, if you are prioritizing pantry over getting together. OP was saying her friend berates her for not inviting her over

See, this is why people like PP are vague. I might really like someone, but also have a household task that needs to get done and the block of time they ask about is the only stretch of time I can do it. I wouldn't tell someone I'm declining an invitation to organize my pantry or buy food to avoid that assumption.

That must be a last minute invite right? I totally get it if your friend asks you to come hang out today or this weekend and you already had that block of time blocked off as pantry time and come up with a white lie. OTOH if your friend asked to make plans for three weeks later on Saturday and you cited a prior commitment when you just want to organize the pantry or go food shopping, that would be kind of weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recently I realized that I have a few friends who are concerned with privacy but they are not any private matters per say. Among a few, one couple is very obvious. Example: going to the grocery but would tell me "I have a prior commitment." I do not want to / do not need to / nor did I ask to know everyday details of their life. "I asked if you are free stop by for a cup of coffee, it will be nice to catch up." In the meantime mutual friends know personal details of their lives which by definition of privacy may fit as private such as salary. I am at a loss. I do not introod into people's business. Feeling bit hurt after seeing an obvious pattern. I would say I have been a good friend to this person/couple. Thanks for reading.

I don’t tell people because I don’t want to hurt feelings. Like friend invites me over but I want to stay home and organize the pantry. It is mundane and so I say I have a prior commitment. I don’t want to send the impression that I’d rather sit at home and be boring instead of hanging out with you. Just trying not to hurt feelings.

It sounds like you don’t like that friend then, if you are prioritizing pantry over getting together. OP was saying her friend berates her for not inviting her over

See, this is why people like PP are vague. I might really like someone, but also have a household task that needs to get done and the block of time they ask about is the only stretch of time I can do it. I wouldn't tell someone I'm declining an invitation to organize my pantry or buy food to avoid that assumption.

That must be a last minute invite right? I totally get it if your friend asks you to come hang out today or this weekend and you already had that block of time blocked off as pantry time and come up with a white lie. OTOH if your friend asked to make plans for three weeks later on Saturday and you cited a prior commitment when you just want to organize the pantry or go food shopping, that would be kind of weird.

Why? Adults with jobs and/or young kids tend to have very limited free time. I'm actually taking a personal day tomorrow to clean out my closet and finish a volunteer thing I committed to do. Boring tasks. But need to get done and my nights and weekends get chewed up with kid stuff. I always have a bunch of tasks that I struggle to find time for, and I'd definitely schedule something like that in advance.

Why is coffee with a friend worth planning but organizing your pantry not?

[Anonymous]

Is OP the one always writing to Jeff in Website Feedback? I feel like it is the same person.

[Anonymous]

Weird thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is "I have a prior commitment" any different "Im busy"? That is literally the same thing? Why are you making drama out of nothing?

I can't speak for OP but prior commitment sounds a bit extra when referring to grocery shopping which isn't a fixed appointment. If I used that as my reason to decline and then ran into the person at the grocery store I would be embarrassed. I wouldn't be embarrassed if I said I was busy or had stuff to do.

+1

I would directly ask the person what they were doing and say you saw them at the grocery store. Just be direct. Make them squirm.

Why would they squirm? They might well have had another commitment pre or post grocery store. Or they had planned/scheduled grocery shopping because that worked with their schedule or they needed something by a particular date/time and that was the only time they could go. OP is literally mad because they said they had plans/were busy but she doesn't like the words they used.

No they lied and misrepresented that they had plans when they didn’t. They should be confronted for their lies

No, grocery shopping is plans even if that’s all they were doing. But they could also have had a “real” commitment that they couldn’t move pre or post grocery shopping (medical appointment, talking to a lawyer, etc).

[Anonymous]

If they were overly detailed, you'd complain about that, too.

[Anonymous]

I think what Op was looking for is “ I am busy.” “ or “ I have errands “

“Prior commitment” sounds like something like an appointment (of any kind) or a fixed plan already in place with someone.