How do you know if a man will make a good father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people will parent similar to how they were parented. I would look at their family of origin.

We all want different things out of our partners too, we don't all want them to be dads the same way. Some people just want a good financial provider. Others want an energetic dad who is on the floor playing with kids, whereas some people don't care about that. I too think that you set the stage early for what you expect from your spouse. My spouse didn't grow up getting read to. I cut that out quick and he now enjoys reading for 30 min to them. He also does 50% of kid chores and we take turns with different things. DH and I listen to child discipline books and discuss them together.

This is interesting because my spouse and I parent differently from our parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About half of adults come from divorced homes, so I guess you should eliminate half the population.

+1. Agree that this half should be eliminated. Also eliminate those from abusive, neglectful, etc homes. Really this just leaves a small fraction of people.

[Anonymous]

If you've options and want to have a good partner, you do this. If you are desperate or ready to gamble, try your luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About half of adults come from divorced homes, so I guess you should eliminate half the population.

Half of the adults divorce and quarter live in bad marriages, want to increase your odds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are his parents like and what's his relationship with his parents like?

X1000

I was wary of dating a guy with divorced parents too.

[Anonymous]

NO ADDICTION. No addiction to drugs, drinking, smoking, sex, porn, video game, weapons, speeding etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people will parent similar to how they were parented. I would look at their family of origin.

We all want different things out of our partners too, we don't all want them to be dads the same way. Some people just want a good financial provider. Others want an energetic dad who is on the floor playing with kids, whereas some people don't care about that. I too think that you set the stage early for what you expect from your spouse. My spouse didn't grow up getting read to. I cut that out quick and he now enjoys reading for 30 min to them. He also does 50% of kid chores and we take turns with different things. DH and I listen to child discipline books and discuss them together.

Yes, most (but not all) parent how they were parented. My parents were good, but far too traditional. My mom did all the kids stuff, my dad earned a good stable UMC lifestyle. I wanted a man who would be better than my dad. I never connected with my father. DH was loving and close to his family. Although his parents were as traditional as mine, we discussed dual career path and kids in detail before marriage. My advice is to look for a good communicator and have the conversation when it gets serious. If you cannot do this how can you possibly navigate the inevitable difficulties ahead.

[Anonymous]

As a married father I think being a good father is far easier than being a good husband. Most women divorce us because we are not good husbands. I put far more effort into being a good father than being a good husband to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rigidity of any kind (“stubborn streak”), nitpicking tendencies, unhappy childhood, lack of empathy, need to one up everyone, seeing compromising as “bending to someone’s will”, enmeshment issues with family of origin, being overly thrifty. Any kind of anxiety. Any kind of self-destructive behavior. Any kind of critical worldview (even self-directed critisism). These are huge red flags. Even if the trait is benign/mild pre-kids, it will amplify 100x with the stress of small children and can make you and kids miserable. A good boyfriend, travel mate, roommate can be a total nightmare as a partner.

Look for someone easy going, responsible and flexible, for whom having kids is very valuable and who is ok with the partner being in charge during initial infant stages.

Sometimes anxiety makes people BETTER. This is not a red flag. My DH has anxiety a d it made him take parenting classes and implement his learnings. He passed his anxiety on to our kids (it's genetic) and we produced 2 perfect straight A students who really are role models. Don't get me wrong perfectionism/anxiety comes with challenges, but often it produces BETTER results.

[Anonymous]

My parents were a traditional couple where wife took care of the house and kids and husband took care of income,repairs and paperwork. All of my brothers are very hands on husbands and fathers with cooking, cleaning, chores, childcare etc. I'm SAHM but my sister is a workaholic and her DH takes care of half of the house stuff. Some people can change with times and needs. My eldest brother had some issues accepting equality in chores but my very smart SIL handled it well and gently trained him to rise to the challenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotional intelligence. Empathy. Kindness. Patience. A sense of humor.

Someone who is responsible. Takes his "duties" seriously. Demonstrates through actions what it is to be good. And smart. And disciplined.

Anyone rigid in their thoughts or uncompromising or easy to anger will be a problem and a terrible father.

I don't necessarily agree that family history is destiny. Often times it is. But sometimes it creates a wellspring of empathy and an acute awareness of what not to do.[/quote]

Agree with the bonded ×1000!

I am proud thay DH and I make it a point to be better than our parents. They were all pretty good, but we are definitely an improvement.

[Anonymous]

Can he put someone ahead of himself?

Will he model good values, including integrity?

Is he gentle (vs rough)? Is he modern vs macho when it comes to topics like therapy for marriage or mental health problems?

Is he dependable/responsible?

Does he have substance abuse issues?

Is he sexist or homophobic?

Is he comfortable around your family? With traditions that matter to you?

[Anonymous]

With regard to a man’s relationship with his parents, and “apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” discussion:

It isn’t entirely about how a person was raised- it is equally as much about emotional maturity and whether a person has worked through and moved past childhood issues. Realistically, most of us will have had some sort of issue or problem with our upbringing or families. Most emotionally mature adults are able to move past a lot of that (and seek help doing so if needed) trying hard to make peace with it, and trying hard to have stable relationships with family as far as it depends on us. Trying to handle things in a healthy way with minimal drama. On the other hand, you will meet people aged 30+ still blaming their parents for various woes, still angry and bitter about childhood issues, ongoing emotional and family drama etc. Those unresolved issues will be a big problem in terms of parenting (and marriage too).

[Anonymous]

A good father is also a good husband/partner. Does he proactively participate around the house when it's just you two? If he doesn't, and you find yourself doing most of the cooking, cleaning, housework...it won't get better when there's a kid.

[Anonymous]

Most men will be good fathers. Men really love their children. My ex husband was a cheater and did not meet my emotional needs at all. However, the man is a fantastic father. He always put our kids first. He always make time for them. In fact the hardest hurdle during our divorce was about child custody. I have never seen him cry until he realizes that he won’t be seeing his children every single day of the week.