529s for nieces and nephews

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not feel bad AT ALL if someone in my family helped out my nephews with college but not my kids. DH and I aren’t rich but we are comfortable and do save for our kids’ college. My nephews have wonderful, loving parents who can’t afford that. Act, I know for a fact that my parents have given one nephew $$ for college. It is reasonable and fair, in my book.

Ditto. My inlaws are very generous with 529 gifts for our (one) child. But by brother-in-law has three kids, and makes far less than we do. I fully expect (and would hope) that my in-laws' education related gifts to by BIL far exceed those to us (on a per capita basis, not just because they have three kids). And I know my wife would feel the same way.

Frankly, I'd just anyone rather harshly in a similar situation who got angry at giving the less well off family more.

[Anonymous]

My brother can pay for college without issue, we will be able to pay, but not without issue. Every birthday and Christmas I give $50 to each nephew towards college. They won’t need my money but I wanted to feel like I was doing something to contribute. Do what makes you happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t do it unless it was equal amounts. Someone will find out and feel less loved no matter the situation.

This. Your not the generous loving aunt if you set off a bomb in a family system and create dysfunction. What you see if is a snapshot in time of their financial circumstances. It can change quickly and you don't know if the well off ones were more thrifty and made more sacrifices too. Even if you give and they end up having extra left over from the 529, that can be passed on to the next generation. You need to be responsible with money and people and relationships come first. Every time this subject comes up of not being equal with money gifts, you have the people who swear it's no big deal, at least some of whom probably got their own favoritism. Sometimes you really do have a sibling who just faced hard times and is a lovely person and you want them to get more. If one of the families insists you give their part to the sibling than that is fine, but you should not be deciding who deserves more. Yes, you can do absolutely anything with your money. Plenty of people use their money to fund chaos and play favorites and make people feel lousy. They can make endless justifications, but the damage they cause is horrendous. Use your money for good. Either be fair or donate it to a charity.

There is quite a bit of projection in this post. I am a PP who, if my family gave according to means, would get far less than both siblings and in-laws. I do not view that as funding chaos, of that it's unfair. I'm thrilled that my parents and inlaws have the means to help nieces and nephews, and am confident that if we needed the help they'd provide it to us too.

Also, the entire tone of your post is off-putting - fearmongering, strident, and harsh. As I said, I'm guessing that you have been on the short end of the stick, in this situation, and felt wronged. Part of me is sorry for that, but part of me thinks that if you are this worked up because a less-well off relative received more in gifts or inheritance than you did, you need to seriously re-evaluate your priorities, and are not a terribly good person.

[Anonymous]

It depends on your family. My oldest brother is very wealthy and he and his wife are CFBC. I am the middle sibling and make a comfortable enough income together with my spouse. My youngest sibling and spouse are both public school teachers. Our rich brother intends to fund the lion’s share of college costs for the youngest’s 3 kids. We can pay for our 2 kids, and we don’t mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not feel bad AT ALL if someone in my family helped out my nephews with college but not my kids. DH and I aren’t rich but we are comfortable and do save for our kids’ college. My nephews have wonderful, loving parents who can’t afford that. Act, I know for a fact that my parents have given one nephew $$ for college. It is reasonable and fair, in my book.

Ditto. My inlaws are very generous with 529 gifts for our (one) child. But by brother-in-law has three kids, and makes far less than we do. I fully expect (and would hope) that my in-laws' education related gifts to by BIL far exceed those to us (on a per capita basis, not just because they have three kids). And I know my wife would feel the same way.

Frankly, I'd just anyone rather harshly in a similar situation who got angry at giving the less well off family more.

Right? It would be super selfish to get mad.

[Anonymous]

OP if you have any hidden strings or assumptions attached to your gifts make them clear. My uncle-in-law gave to BIL and SIL and not to us assuming we were fine. Then he had all sorts of expectations for help maybe 15 or 20 years later. It was easy for us to set boundaries and have him accept them. We were burned out from our own parent's care and visits. He could not accept boundaries from BIL and SIL and their families because he felt they owed him. They sent thank you notes and visited now and then as usual, but had no idea he expected more. If they had known he would cause so much stress, they would have never accepted the gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you have any hidden strings or assumptions attached to your gifts make them clear. My uncle-in-law gave to BIL and SIL and not to us assuming we were fine. Then he had all sorts of expectations for help maybe 15 or 20 years later. It was easy for us to set boundaries and have him accept them. We were burned out from our own parent's care and visits. He could not accept boundaries from BIL and SIL and their families because he felt they owed him. They sent thank you notes and visited now and then as usual, but had no idea he expected more. If they had known he would cause so much stress, they would have never accepted the gift.

The condition is they need to go to college. They won’t get the money unless they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were going to start 529s for your nieces and nephews, would parent ability to pay factor in to how you contributed?

In our family, 2 sets have parents who won’t be able to contribute much and 2 sets have parents who make a lot and could fully pay for college.

If it were me, I would talk to the two sets that make a lot and see if they would like to do it with me to help support the nieces and nephews .that need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you have any hidden strings or assumptions attached to your gifts make them clear. My uncle-in-law gave to BIL and SIL and not to us assuming we were fine. Then he had all sorts of expectations for help maybe 15 or 20 years later. It was easy for us to set boundaries and have him accept them. We were burned out from our own parent's care and visits. He could not accept boundaries from BIL and SIL and their families because he felt they owed him. They sent thank you notes and visited now and then as usual, but had no idea he expected more. If they had known he would cause so much stress, they would have never accepted the gift.

The condition is they need to go to college. They won’t get the money unless they do.

What about vocational school? What if one has learning issues or mental heal struggles?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you have any hidden strings or assumptions attached to your gifts make them clear. My uncle-in-law gave to BIL and SIL and not to us assuming we were fine. Then he had all sorts of expectations for help maybe 15 or 20 years later. It was easy for us to set boundaries and have him accept them. We were burned out from our own parent's care and visits. He could not accept boundaries from BIL and SIL and their families because he felt they owed him. They sent thank you notes and visited now and then as usual, but had no idea he expected more. If they had known he would cause so much stress, they would have never accepted the gift.

The condition is they need to go to college. They won’t get the money unless they do.

What about vocational school? What if one has learning issues or mental heal struggles?

Whatever the 529 rules are. They can get the money if they comply with those. I do not make the rules.

[Anonymous]

If the surgeon family is as rich as you think and has already paid off all school debt, then if you offer they will probably decline. That seems like win-win. You don't risk making her/him feel punished for working 80 hours a week at a job with huge malpractice risk by sibling has summers off. Then you keep family harmony and the one you assume has less and won't inherit or get help from inlaws, will have college paid for the kids.

[Anonymous]

I have posted before on here, but as someone who has seen so much discord and pain from family inequality I will make one last plea. You don't know what families are somehow still socializing together, but are a few steps from fights and even estrangement. I have watched too many families that got along well enough dissolve either from unequal inheritance from a parent or a relative. It doesn't make it better that you are alive while doing this. People can throw around words like "selfish" which is the favorite word of abusive people, to say everyone should just accept things, but you should not do anything to cause that final straw that disrupts a family. No matter how much you think you know about inside dynamics about how they were raised and choices they made, you don't know it all. You can judge the person who gets angry all you want, but you also need to assumes responsibility for your own choice to be unequal. So do whatever you want, but if you don't even offer equality and it does cause problems you are hurting those grandchildren and possibly causing issues with cousins. You can say this it is projection and intellectualize all you want and say the parent must have been selfish, but if your act was the last straw, it's on you. Save your arguments for a financial advisor or a family therapist who deals with these things. You don't need to convince me of anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do know that one is a surgeon who makes about $900k a year and one is a private school teacher who makes about $60k.

The financial aid issue is not a factor if I own the 529.

That’s not how 529s work.

[Anonymous]

In my family there were 3 kids. #1 ended up rich, #2 UMC, #3 middle class, divorced and then died young. #1 and #2 supported #3’s kids through high school and college, they lived with #2 and had cars and college from #1 (before 529s). It was the right thing to do and the other kids were fine with the cousins getting this money, the family was pretty close. However, #3’s kids had a hard time with the family dynamics, feeling like the charity case and jealous of wealthier cousins, and eventually cut ties after college graduation. No regrets about helping, but family relationships can be tough to navigate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on your family. My oldest brother is very wealthy and he and his wife are CFBC. I am the middle sibling and make a comfortable enough income together with my spouse. My youngest sibling and spouse are both public school teachers. Our rich brother intends to fund the lion’s share of college costs for the youngest’s 3 kids. We can pay for our 2 kids, and we don’t mind.

Between the two of them they make a decent income and could pay for state school for the kids.