Activities with friends: is it assumed that the person who suggests it pays?

[Anonymous]

We recently went for an urban area hike with another couple from 10am to noon.
We asked about going to lunch and they said We don’t have our full wallet or credit card. We said we can cover you and pay us back later.

They never said thank you for the meal out nor made any efforts to pay us back. And we send them a snap of the recipe

[Anonymous]

No, not unless it’s stated as such. I am always shocked how poorly many educated, otherwise successful adults communicate. Everything from volunteer rec sports/activity coaches to PTA officers to just moms trying to make plans for kids or among themselves. Email, text, or face to face - people are terrible at communicating clearly. I have ADHD and I highly suspect autism as well. Perhaps because I often struggle to understand what other people mean or want, I go out of my way to avoid confusion by imagining the other person’s perspective and proactively addressing potential questions.

If I was planning to pay, I would make that clear by saying it. “I’d love to treat you to lunch/drinks/coffee for your birthday” “I have two tickets to ___ event, would you like to join me as my guest? (And then decline an offer to pay me for the ticket)” or “we’re hosting a celebration of Larlo’s promotion/ graduation and we hope you can join us.” I think words like treat, host, be my guest are all clear.

As the other side of the conversation we also owe it to the less articulate to clarify in advance to avoid awkwardness. Someone mentions an event with tickets, you can inquire about the price and they can tell you or say “don’t worry, my treat”. If someone invites you do an expensive restaurant, you can demote that it’s out of your price range and suggest a more budget friendly option. There are many ways to allude to the cost and give the person inviting you a chance to clarify their intent.

Lastly, like a person on the “treat you to brunch” thread said, I only make invites where I can afford to pay if needed and I only accept invites where I can pay my share. That way I can just enjoy myself and not spend the whole time dreading the check.

[Anonymous]

Never. Those activities are called dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me once. We went on a dinner date with another husband and wife couple we were friends with and they asked us what place we recommended so we recommended a restaurant. When the bill came they said thank you so much for dinner. It was so awkward and I couldn't believe they both felt us paying was appropriate. We never went out with them again.

Wait, just to clarify, they asked you guys to grab dinner with them, and where you guys wanted to go? And then asked you to pay?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me once. We went on a dinner date with another husband and wife couple we were friends with and they asked us what place we recommended so we recommended a restaurant. When the bill came they said thank you so much for dinner. It was so awkward and I couldn't believe they both felt us paying was appropriate. We never went out with them again.

Wait, just to clarify, they asked you guys to grab dinner with them, and where you guys wanted to go? And then asked you to pay?!

I believe it.

Some couples are cheap as F. Even if they have tons of money, they’ll guilt you into a 3-5 course dinner, fill up and then never look back.

We stop doing things with them.

It was like a sport of them trying to get others to spot their tickets, meals, orders and then go radio silent. They’d hope to get away with ignoring 3-5 reminders before you gave up and let them have their freebies.

Some people have family members like this too.

Just avoid them

[Anonymous]

I just always plan on paying so it is never awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me once. We went on a dinner date with another husband and wife couple we were friends with and they asked us what place we recommended so we recommended a restaurant. When the bill came they said thank you so much for dinner. It was so awkward and I couldn't believe they both felt us paying was appropriate. We never went out with them again.

Wait, just to clarify, they asked you guys to grab dinner with them, and where you guys wanted to go? And then asked you to pay?!

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me once. We went on a dinner date with another husband and wife couple we were friends with and they asked us what place we recommended so we recommended a restaurant. When the bill came they said thank you so much for dinner. It was so awkward and I couldn't believe they both felt us paying was appropriate. We never went out with them again.

Wait, just to clarify, they asked you guys to grab dinner with them, and where you guys wanted to go? And then asked you to pay?!

Yes

I can't believe you didn't say something in the moment! You couldn't have just said "haha, good one, guys. Let's split it?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me once. We went on a dinner date with another husband and wife couple we were friends with and they asked us what place we recommended so we recommended a restaurant. When the bill came they said thank you so much for dinner. It was so awkward and I couldn't believe they both felt us paying was appropriate. We never went out with them again.

Wait, just to clarify, they asked you guys to grab dinner with them, and where you guys wanted to go? And then asked you to pay?!

Yes

I can't believe you didn't say something in the moment! You couldn't have just said "haha, good one, guys. Let's split it?"

It turned out that one of them had a learning disability. I think we asked them if they were going to split and they said they didn't understand that was the original plan. It was the second time it happened, and we just let it go and decided to just see them when we had a group meet up with the activity we originally met them at. I don't know if it was an act or not, but we quickly learned to talk about payment as part of planning all of our future social outings. Lesson learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me once. We went on a dinner date with another husband and wife couple we were friends with and they asked us what place we recommended so we recommended a restaurant. When the bill came they said thank you so much for dinner. It was so awkward and I couldn't believe they both felt us paying was appropriate. We never went out with them again.

Wait, just to clarify, they asked you guys to grab dinner with them, and where you guys wanted to go? And then asked you to pay?!

Yes

I can't believe you didn't say something in the moment! You couldn't have just said "haha, good one, guys. Let's split it?"

Yeah, I don't get it. When the bill came, I would put my credit card down and instruct the waiter to put 50% on the card. I would then motion to the other couple for their card for the other 50%. This situation has literally never happened to me as I guess I only associate with reasonable people who also would expect to split the bill.

Not sure why people can't be direct.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. It's not a date. Each person should expect to pay their own way unless otherwise stated by the organizer.

+1

You are an adult, OP - start taking responsibility, and stop thinking people owe you.

I'm sure someone else expected OP to pay, rather than OP expecting someone else to pay.

OP here back to say that you are correct - I'm the person who made the invite.

[Anonymous]

I assume I will pay if I invite someone and assume I will cover my half invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume I will pay if I invite someone and assume I will cover my half invited.

Aren’t you a guilt-ladened people pleaser!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me once. We went on a dinner date with another husband and wife couple we were friends with and they asked us what place we recommended so we recommended a restaurant. When the bill came they said thank you so much for dinner. It was so awkward and I couldn't believe they both felt us paying was appropriate. We never went out with them again.

Wait, just to clarify, they asked you guys to grab dinner with them, and where you guys wanted to go? And then asked you to pay?!

Yes

I can't believe you didn't say something in the moment! You couldn't have just said "haha, good one, guys. Let's split it?"

It turned out that one of them had a learning disability. I think we asked them if they were going to split and they said they didn't understand that was the original plan. It was the second time it happened, and we just let it go and decided to just see them when we had a group meet up with the activity we originally met them at. I don't know if it was an act or not, but we quickly learned to talk about payment as part of planning all of our future social outings. Lesson learned.

What kind of learning disability is this?