Woman hasn't dated for 8 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been divorced for 10 years and I've had sex twice in 10 yrs. I enjoy sex but I have to have time for it. With work, kids, and aging parents, I just haven't had time to date. I'm not going to go out to bar on a Tuesday night and try and find some random guy to sleep with. I work from home so no opportunity to meet someone at the office. It's weird to think of sleeping with a dad from my kids school.

I never thought of it as a cause for a concern. I just haven't had time.

Obviously you don't enjoy sex enough to actually hav sex. You are.completely unmotivated to have sex. You are asexual. You just don't want to admit what you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just means she had a lot going on emotionally and/or as a single parent. I didn’t have sex for ten years and now I am, enthusiastically. It’s all fine.

If so, you're having sex simply because you want a relationship with the person you're having it with. Not because you really enjoy it. It's just a quiet pro quo.

[Anonymous]

It never ceases to amaze me how little most men understand about women and desire, and then they make these grand pronouncements. Guys: women frequently have responsive desire. We respond to stimuli. Some of us respond quite well. But if there are no stimuli confronting us, many of us can go on about our business, take care of ourselves, and not feel a huge loss. We just aren’t as likely to go looking for sex - esp because random sex often isn’t that good for us. I am a PP that had a long drought from dead marriage and pandemic. I have my first partner in 10 years now and I can’t keep my hands off him. He had the good sense not to ask but I suspect he’d be shocked to know he was my first in that long - but oh man do I respond to him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mid-50s widow and haven't had sex in probably 10 years - sexless marriage for the last few years, cheating / divorce weren't options for me because kids. At some point (hopefully soon), I'll be in the same position as the woman you're dating and have to tell all of this to someone I would like to have sex with. I'm petrified as to how this information is going to be received. Love hearing that there are others who got through a 10-year dry spell and are having fun now!

I don’t think you need to tell anyone you haven’t had sex in ten years unless you’ve forgotten how to do it which is unlikely. Just be very enthusiastic and you’ll do fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A woman I'm dating said she hasn't been with a man in 8 years (late 40s to mid 50s). She's been divorced for 15 years. Is this cause for concern? Do women with healthy sex drives go this long? We fooled around a little and she seemed to enjoy it but she didn't seem especially excited.

It sounds like you were more interested in pursuing your own pleasure than hers. Or perhaps you just couldn't deliver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It never ceases to amaze me how little most men understand about women and desire, and then they make these grand pronouncements. Guys: women frequently have responsive desire. We respond to stimuli. Some of us respond quite well. But if there are no stimuli confronting us, many of us can go on about our business, take care of ourselves, and not feel a huge loss. We just aren’t as likely to go looking for sex - esp because random sex often isn’t that good for us. I am a PP that had a long drought from dead marriage and pandemic. I have my first partner in 10 years now and I can’t keep my hands off him. He had the good sense not to ask but I suspect he’d be shocked to know he was my first in that long - but oh man do I respond to him!

Not all women are like this. I want sex with my husband often and with no particular stimulus. Our marriage is not perfect, he’s not perfect, and I’m not even particularly wildly attracted to him. He jokes that he wishes I wanted him for more than his body. I like sex and find it relaxing on its own. Taking care of myself does not compare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been divorced for 10 years and I've had sex twice in 10 yrs. I enjoy sex but I have to have time for it. With work, kids, and aging parents, I just haven't had time to date. I'm not going to go out to bar on a Tuesday night and try and find some random guy to sleep with. I work from home so no opportunity to meet someone at the office. It's weird to think of sleeping with a dad from my kids school.

I never thought of it as a cause for a concern. I just haven't had time.

There's nothing wrong with your lifestyle or the choices you made. Kudos to you for taking care your family! You sound like a great woman.

That said, people make time for things that are really important to them. I'd assume sex with another person is not that important to you. If I wanted to be with someone for whom frequent, active sex was a priority, your lifestyle would be a red flag. If I was ok with having sex only when life was going well and there's not a whole lot going on, your relatively sexless past probably wouldn't bother me.

Only a man could/would feel this way. The hoops a single mother would have to jump through to have sex are really major. You can only say this because you are likely never a person who would have to sideline your sex life because you have no time to meet someone while raising kids and caring for aging parents.

Conversely, the faux praise you give to the mother for taking care of her family....If a single mother is out there having a lot of sex and prioritizing her sex life, she would be called a bad mother, promiscuous etc. There is a reason that most of the deadbeats are dads and not moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A woman I'm dating said she hasn't been with a man in 8 years (late 40s to mid 50s). She's been divorced for 15 years. Is this cause for concern? Do women with healthy sex drives go this long? We fooled around a little and she seemed to enjoy it but she didn't seem especially excited.

It sounds like you were more interested in pursuing your own pleasure than hers. Or perhaps you just couldn't deliver.

I have absolutely no idea why it sounds that way to you. We spent the entire time focused on her pleasure, though I get pleasure that way. I'm OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been divorced for 10 years and I've had sex twice in 10 yrs. I enjoy sex but I have to have time for it. With work, kids, and aging parents, I just haven't had time to date. I'm not going to go out to bar on a Tuesday night and try and find some random guy to sleep with. I work from home so no opportunity to meet someone at the office. It's weird to think of sleeping with a dad from my kids school.

I never thought of it as a cause for a concern. I just haven't had time.

There's nothing wrong with your lifestyle or the choices you made. Kudos to you for taking care your family! You sound like a great woman.

That said, people make time for things that are really important to them. I'd assume sex with another person is not that important to you. If I wanted to be with someone for whom frequent, active sex was a priority, your lifestyle would be a red flag. If I was ok with having sex only when life was going well and there's not a whole lot going on, your relatively sexless past probably wouldn't bother me.

Only a man could/would feel this way. The hoops a single mother would have to jump through to have sex are really major. You can only say this because you are likely never a person who would have to sideline your sex life because you have no time to meet someone while raising kids and caring for aging parents.

Conversely, the faux praise you give to the mother for taking care of her family....If a single mother is out there having a lot of sex and prioritizing her sex life, she would be called a bad mother, promiscuous etc. There is a reason that most of the deadbeats are dads and not moms.

From what I can see, lots of horny single mothers have sex frequently and with little hoop jumping. They just find people they like and hire babysitters or do it when their exes have the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been divorced for 10 years and I've had sex twice in 10 yrs. I enjoy sex but I have to have time for it. With work, kids, and aging parents, I just haven't had time to date. I'm not going to go out to bar on a Tuesday night and try and find some random guy to sleep with. I work from home so no opportunity to meet someone at the office. It's weird to think of sleeping with a dad from my kids school.

I never thought of it as a cause for a concern. I just haven't had time.

Obviously you don't enjoy sex enough to actually hav sex. You are.completely unmotivated to have sex. You are asexual. You just don't want to admit what you are.

Honestly, PP what's totally disqualifying from a dating and relationship perspective, IMO, is how you feel completely comfortable telling another person what that other person thinks and feels about sex, and that your view your own judgment about their internal feelings and values as more correct than their expressed views on the topic.

That, "I know your feelings better than you do" mentality is a huge relationship red flag for me.

[Anonymous]

It can be really hard to find someone you like enough to sleep with, once you're not 20-something anymore. I've gone 2 or 3 years without sex a few times. I love sex, so it's not ideal, but after a few months, it's just not such a big deal.

That said, at her age, if she is menopausal, sex drive might have been affected. Estradiol might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ladies, why do you have to tell him? I’m divorced and hadn’t had sex for about 12 years (sexless marriage and then pandemic). I was enthusiastic, and I’m pretty sure the one I broke the spell with had no idea I was rusty!

This.

As long as you don’t have an StD, he doesn’t need to know your life story. It’s just sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You haven't even done it yet and you're already whining??

lol, truth!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mid-50s widow and haven't had sex in probably 10 years - sexless marriage for the last few years, cheating / divorce weren't options for me because kids. At some point (hopefully soon), I'll be in the same position as the woman you're dating and have to tell all of this to someone I would like to have sex with. I'm petrified as to how this information is going to be received. Love hearing that there are others who got through a 10-year dry spell and are having fun now!

I was in a similar situation and the man was flattered he was the ‘first’! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP Update. She sat me down to discuss this topic. She said she enjoys sex but has experienced trauma. She wants to move past the trauma with me. It was an emotional conversation. Our first time was very nice. She obviously enjoyed it very much.