Are you a benign neglect parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have always defined our parenting style as benign neglect. I see it as the opposite of the overscheduling and helicopter parenting that most parents do here. It is a recipe for more independent self-driven kids. They have done their own laundry from 7 or 8. They get themselves to their practices on public transport. They decide which course to do, which colleges to apply to, whether they needed tutors or not. They often made dinner from a young age.

We have attended their games and would intervene if they were having trouble academically or socially. But they have their own lives and we have ours. Our job is to provide the support they need when they need it, not to micromanage. I think they have turned out pretty well.

.

I could have written this. Except we don't have access to public transport, so we outsource driving. I did provide my kids cooking classes young and they are responsible for helping with meals. I view my job as ensuring they have the right resources at the right time and know how to use them. I intervene only when they need a little nudge or they explicitly ask for help, e.g. my older one asked for SAT prep - she just got her results and they are AMAZING, so she knew what she needed.

....then again I have kids who are extremely self aware and self starters, so maybe I just got lucky with awesome kids.

[Anonymous]

Jennifer Garner is just selling fruit pouches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how she’s defining? so this might sound harsh. But benign parental neglect is how people end up with insecure, anxious attachments that cause problems in their lives. So I don’t think that sounds good, not meeting your kids needs but housing them.

What you described is not benign, it's neglect. Benign neglect is benign. It's like not going to any of your kids' soccer games except the ones that are important to them, unless they really want you to be there.

Who doesn’t go to their kids sports games?

My parents didn’t go to my games. I didn’t care. I was also mature enough to understand they had, you know, jobs.

No big deal.

I had a SAHM and she did not come to any of our sports games and while I was not really impacted by this (I wasn't into sports), two of my siblings have talked to me about how it was hard for them to compete and see all the other parents there, especially other SAHMs, and to never see our mom. Our dad was also not present in our lives almost at all -- he worked 12 hour days and was and is just very self-involved and never really took any interest in us as people.

So, I don't know. It sounds small "oh my mom didn't come to my Little League games when I was a kid." But on the other hand I get what my siblings are saying about working hard at something and seeing all the other kid's parents there and never seeing your own.

Even though I didn't have the exact same experience, I've realized as an adult that I have relationships with a lot of my friends' parents from growing up -- like I remember eating meals with them, having conversations with them about my life and my future, and I stayed friendly with them for many years after graduating high school and moving away. But none of my friends from childhood know my parents at all. Because my parents were just not very present in my life and even when I had friends over, they just didn't talk to us and didn't really take an interest in my friends (anymore than they took an interest in me). I don't think I fully understood how lopsided this was until I was much older and realized how different my friends' parents were with me (and with my friends) than my parents were.

Anyway, I think my parents would say they had a philosophy of "benign neglect" and especially regarding me, they'd say "oh we knew you were fine and didn't need us." And I was always well behaved, got good grades, had friends, pursued my interests, etc., so I can see why they took this approach, especially since I had some siblings who definitely need more. But now that I'm a parent I think that wasn't a great approach and I realize that I missed out on a lot of nurturing and guidance and reinforcement and just... parenting. I basically raised myself and I didn't do a terrible job all things considered, but I think it probably would have been better to have had *some* parenting beyond just being provided with a place to live and food and clothes and making sure that like my school enrollment paperwork got done.

This has a name. It's called emotional neglect. It's not benign neglect. Benign neglect is benign and what you describe isn't. A loving connected parent who practices benign neglect will be connected enough to know the kid wants them at the game and they will show up. We eat dinner together every night. I'm involved in my kids' lives and know what is important to them. I show up when it's important and I neglect to when it's not important. Knowing the difference is the key. It sounds like a lot of folks here don't know the difference or they don't trust themselves enough to have a parenting style that is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Benign neglect to me is not doing tutoring (kumon, private, or home) when your kid is at or above grade level. Actual neglect is not doing tutoring when your kid is below grade level.

I actually see a lot of strange affluenza neglect among the ultra wealthy. They are ‘homeschooling’ or ‘alternative schooling’ in ridiculous curriculums like surfing schools when their kids are years behind objective reading or math levels. Those kids would be better off in a average public school.

How would you know where their kids are in school above/below grade level? Focus on your own, Nosy Nancy.

[Anonymous]

I am the Airbus H225 of parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no such thing as "benign neglect" in parenting. Neglect implies harm.

You can only do benign neglect with things that don't need nurturing or guidance. Kids do.

I do think it's good to let kids figure things out on their own, learn to fail, and develop resilience. But that's not neglect. It takes work to hang back and let your kid figure something out when you could intervene and do it for them. It's a conscious parenting choice you make while paying attention to your child and considering what they need most in that moment. That's the opposite of neglect -- it's parenting.

Wrong - I neglect to remember some of my kids mistakes. I neglect to inject my fear and insecurity. I neglect to hover above them or plow their obstacles. Yes, I'm intentionally neglectful at time. We have a very loving supportive happy family.

I love this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how she’s defining? so this might sound harsh. But benign parental neglect is how people end up with insecure, anxious attachments that cause problems in their lives. So I don’t think that sounds good, not meeting your kids needs but housing them.

What you described is not benign, it's neglect. Benign neglect is benign. It's like not going to any of your kids' soccer games except the ones that are important to them, unless they really want you to be there.

Who doesn’t go to their kids sports games?

My parents didn’t go to my games. I didn’t care. I was also mature enough to understand they had, you know, jobs.

No big deal.

I had a SAHM and she did not come to any of our sports games and while I was not really impacted by this (I wasn't into sports), two of my siblings have talked to me about how it was hard for them to compete and see all the other parents there, especially other SAHMs, and to never see our mom. Our dad was also not present in our lives almost at all -- he worked 12 hour days and was and is just very self-involved and never really took any interest in us as people.

So, I don't know. It sounds small "oh my mom didn't come to my Little League games when I was a kid." But on the other hand I get what my siblings are saying about working hard at something and seeing all the other kid's parents there and never seeing your own.

Even though I didn't have the exact same experience, I've realized as an adult that I have relationships with a lot of my friends' parents from growing up -- like I remember eating meals with them, having conversations with them about my life and my future, and I stayed friendly with them for many years after graduating high school and moving away. But none of my friends from childhood know my parents at all. Because my parents were just not very present in my life and even when I had friends over, they just didn't talk to us and didn't really take an interest in my friends (anymore than they took an interest in me). I don't think I fully understood how lopsided this was until I was much older and realized how different my friends' parents were with me (and with my friends) than my parents were.

Anyway, I think my parents would say they had a philosophy of "benign neglect" and especially regarding me, they'd say "oh we knew you were fine and didn't need us." And I was always well behaved, got good grades, had friends, pursued my interests, etc., so I can see why they took this approach, especially since I had some siblings who definitely need more. But now that I'm a parent I think that wasn't a great approach and I realize that I missed out on a lot of nurturing and guidance and reinforcement and just... parenting. I basically raised myself and I didn't do a terrible job all things considered, but I think it probably would have been better to have had *some* parenting beyond just being provided with a place to live and food and clothes and making sure that like my school enrollment paperwork got done.

This has a name. It's called emotional neglect. It's not benign neglect. Benign neglect is benign and what you describe isn't. A loving connected parent who practices benign neglect will be connected enough to know the kid wants them at the game and they will show up. We eat dinner together every night. I'm involved in my kids' lives and know what is important to them. I show up when it's important and I neglect to when it's not important. Knowing the difference is the key. It sounds like a lot of folks here don't know the difference or they don't trust themselves enough to have a parenting style that is different.

+1. There is a difference between a parent who never shows up, never asks, never cares vs. one who is too busy working or running the household to show up often but at least tries, asks, cares.

[Anonymous]

That's not what benign neglect means.

[Anonymous]

Jennifer Garner had to raise her kids and protect them from a raging narc drunk DH. And both of them were celebs and had careers. So I do not know what her "benign neglect" means?

No idea how normal her kids will grow up?

I raise my kids like I was raised. A very calm and happy functional household surrounded by many relatives.