Are you a benign neglect parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how she’s defining? so this might sound harsh. But benign parental neglect is how people end up with insecure, anxious attachments that cause problems in their lives. So I don’t think that sounds good, not meeting your kids needs but housing them.

What you described is not benign, it's neglect. Benign neglect is benign. It's like not going to any of your kids' soccer games except the ones that are important to them, unless they really want you to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no such thing as "benign neglect" in parenting. Neglect implies harm.

You can only do benign neglect with things that don't need nurturing or guidance. Kids do.

I do think it's good to let kids figure things out on their own, learn to fail, and develop resilience. But that's not neglect. It takes work to hang back and let your kid figure something out when you could intervene and do it for them. It's a conscious parenting choice you make while paying attention to your child and considering what they need most in that moment. That's the opposite of neglect -- it's parenting.

Wrong - I neglect to remember some of my kids mistakes. I neglect to inject my fear and insecurity. I neglect to hover above them or plow their obstacles. Yes, I'm intentionally neglectful at time. We have a very loving supportive happy family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just call myself a slacker mom.

My parenting philosophy is all about what seems easiest to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how she’s defining? so this might sound harsh. But benign parental neglect is how people end up with insecure, anxious attachments that cause problems in their lives. So I don’t think that sounds good, not meeting your kids needs but housing them.

What you described is not benign, it's neglect. Benign neglect is benign. It's like not going to any of your kids' soccer games except the ones that are important to them, unless they really want you to be there.

Who doesn’t go to their kids sports games?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think when you have three kids and a full time career and an ex who is pretty much a fourth kid you don’t really have a choice

The above with the financial and human resources available to remediate any issues or problems makes this approach palatable and feasible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how she’s defining? so this might sound harsh. But benign parental neglect is how people end up with insecure, anxious attachments that cause problems in their lives. So I don’t think that sounds good, not meeting your kids needs but housing them.

What you described is not benign, it's neglect. Benign neglect is benign. It's like not going to any of your kids' soccer games except the ones that are important to them, unless they really want you to be there.

Who doesn’t go to their kids sports games?

My parents didn’t go to my games. I didn’t care. I was also mature enough to understand they had, you know, jobs.

No big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how she’s defining? so this might sound harsh. But benign parental neglect is how people end up with insecure, anxious attachments that cause problems in their lives. So I don’t think that sounds good, not meeting your kids needs but housing them.

What you described is not benign, it's neglect. Benign neglect is benign. It's like not going to any of your kids' soccer games except the ones that are important to them, unless they really want you to be there.

Who doesn’t go to their kids sports games?

My parents didn’t go to my games. I didn’t care. I was also mature enough to understand they had, you know, jobs.

No big deal.

I had a SAHM and she did not come to any of our sports games and while I was not really impacted by this (I wasn't into sports), two of my siblings have talked to me about how it was hard for them to compete and see all the other parents there, especially other SAHMs, and to never see our mom. Our dad was also not present in our lives almost at all -- he worked 12 hour days and was and is just very self-involved and never really took any interest in us as people.

So, I don't know. It sounds small "oh my mom didn't come to my Little League games when I was a kid." But on the other hand I get what my siblings are saying about working hard at something and seeing all the other kid's parents there and never seeing your own.

Even though I didn't have the exact same experience, I've realized as an adult that I have relationships with a lot of my friends' parents from growing up -- like I remember eating meals with them, having conversations with them about my life and my future, and I stayed friendly with them for many years after graduating high school and moving away. But none of my friends from childhood know my parents at all. Because my parents were just not very present in my life and even when I had friends over, they just didn't talk to us and didn't really take an interest in my friends (anymore than they took an interest in me). I don't think I fully understood how lopsided this was until I was much older and realized how different my friends' parents were with me (and with my friends) than my parents were.

Anyway, I think my parents would say they had a philosophy of "benign neglect" and especially regarding me, they'd say "oh we knew you were fine and didn't need us." And I was always well behaved, got good grades, had friends, pursued my interests, etc., so I can see why they took this approach, especially since I had some siblings who definitely need more. But now that I'm a parent I think that wasn't a great approach and I realize that I missed out on a lot of nurturing and guidance and reinforcement and just... parenting. I basically raised myself and I didn't do a terrible job all things considered, but I think it probably would have been better to have had *some* parenting beyond just being provided with a place to live and food and clothes and making sure that like my school enrollment paperwork got done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Benign neglect to me is not doing tutoring (kumon, private, or home) when your kid is at or above grade level. Actual neglect is not doing tutoring when your kid is below grade level.

I actually see a lot of strange affluenza neglect among the ultra wealthy. They are ‘homeschooling’ or ‘alternative schooling’ in ridiculous curriculums like surfing schools when their kids are years behind objective reading or math levels. Those kids would be better off in a average public school.

They can relax as the nanny parents the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the story show, Jennifer Garner talked about her benign neglect style of parenting.

This describes me to a T!

Anyone else)

Jennifer Garner has made a name for herself as the Hollywood super mom.

I doubt anything she does is neglectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how she’s defining? so this might sound harsh. But benign parental neglect is how people end up with insecure, anxious attachments that cause problems in their lives. So I don’t think that sounds good, not meeting your kids needs but housing them.

What you described is not benign, it's neglect. Benign neglect is benign. It's like not going to any of your kids' soccer games except the ones that are important to them, unless they really want you to be there.

Who doesn’t go to their kids sports games?

My parents didn’t go to my games. I didn’t care. I was also mature enough to understand they had, you know, jobs.

No big deal.

I had a SAHM and she did not come to any of our sports games and while I was not really impacted by this (I wasn't into sports), two of my siblings have talked to me about how it was hard for them to compete and see all the other parents there, especially other SAHMs, and to never see our mom. Our dad was also not present in our lives almost at all -- he worked 12 hour days and was and is just very self-involved and never really took any interest in us as people.

So, I don't know. It sounds small "oh my mom didn't come to my Little League games when I was a kid." But on the other hand I get what my siblings are saying about working hard at something and seeing all the other kid's parents there and never seeing your own.

Even though I didn't have the exact same experience, I've realized as an adult that I have relationships with a lot of my friends' parents from growing up -- like I remember eating meals with them, having conversations with them about my life and my future, and I stayed friendly with them for many years after graduating high school and moving away. But none of my friends from childhood know my parents at all. Because my parents were just not very present in my life and even when I had friends over, they just didn't talk to us and didn't really take an interest in my friends (anymore than they took an interest in me). I don't think I fully understood how lopsided this was until I was much older and realized how different my friends' parents were with me (and with my friends) than my parents were.

Anyway, I think my parents would say they had a philosophy of "benign neglect" and especially regarding me, they'd say "oh we knew you were fine and didn't need us." And I was always well behaved, got good grades, had friends, pursued my interests, etc., so I can see why they took this approach, especially since I had some siblings who definitely need more. But now that I'm a parent I think that wasn't a great approach and I realize that I missed out on a lot of nurturing and guidance and reinforcement and just... parenting. I basically raised myself and I didn't do a terrible job all things considered, but I think it probably would have been better to have had *some* parenting beyond just being provided with a place to live and food and clothes and making sure that like my school enrollment paperwork got done.

I could have written this word for word. It took 20 years to register how my parents never ever really treated us as actual people that would one day be adults. They just made sure we were fed, clothed and alive basically - but had zero interest in us as people.

I had a best friend in middle/high school that just as you described actually talked and “knew” us. I didn’t realize the resentment I had for my own parents for not being emotionally interested in us for a long time. College was just amplified.
I’m a xenial with boomer parents so I know it’s a common theme

[Anonymous]

It’s impossible, really, to have a conversation about this when people just go changing the definitions of words. Neglect, as another poster said, does imply harm. Look at the dictionary. And I have never heard it used in a way that doesn’t imply harm in common parlance. So sure if you want to redefine neglect in a way that doesn’t imply harm then okay? But that’s sort of like saying “clean dirtiness” and saying it’s really a thing because “dirtiness” doesn’t imply a state of being dirty.

We already have lots of terms for parenting and I don’t think we need new ones, particularly ones that don’t really mean anything. Authoritarian, laissez-faire, helicopter, free range, tiger, hands-off, gentle, authoritative, permissive, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how she’s defining? so this might sound harsh. But benign parental neglect is how people end up with insecure, anxious attachments that cause problems in their lives. So I don’t think that sounds good, not meeting your kids needs but housing them.

What you described is not benign, it's neglect. Benign neglect is benign. It's like not going to any of your kids' soccer games except the ones that are important to them, unless they really want you to be there.

Who doesn’t go to their kids sports games?

It’s totally fine to miss kids’ games every now and then. In fact, this is one area where a little more benign neglect is really needed. Parents these days are so over invested in every single practice and game from an early age. It’s weird and a little pathetic. Way too much attention and pressure being put on kids who should just be having fun and getting some exercise.

[Anonymous]

We have always defined our parenting style as benign neglect. I see it as the opposite of the overscheduling and helicopter parenting that most parents do here. It is a recipe for more independent self-driven kids. They have done their own laundry from 7 or 8. They get themselves to their practices on public transport. They decide which course to do, which colleges to apply to, whether they needed tutors or not. They often made dinner from a young age.

We have attended their games and would intervene if they were having trouble academically or socially. But they have their own lives and we have ours. Our job is to provide the support they need when they need it, not to micromanage. I think they have turned out pretty well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how she’s defining? so this might sound harsh. But benign parental neglect is how people end up with insecure, anxious attachments that cause problems in their lives. So I don’t think that sounds good, not meeting your kids needs but housing them.

What you described is not benign, it's neglect. Benign neglect is benign. It's like not going to any of your kids' soccer games except the ones that are important to them, unless they really want you to be there.

Who doesn’t go to their kids sports games?

It’s totally fine to miss kids’ games every now and then. In fact, this is one area where a little more benign neglect is really needed. Parents these days are so over invested in every single practice and game from an early age. It’s weird and a little pathetic. Way too much attention and pressure being put on kids who should just be having fun and getting some exercise.

So true. I think it’s because the intensive parenting that’s become so popular these days, makes the parents unable to have a life outside of kids and work. So instead they over invest in their kids’ lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how she’s defining? so this might sound harsh. But benign parental neglect is how people end up with insecure, anxious attachments that cause problems in their lives. So I don’t think that sounds good, not meeting your kids needs but housing them.

What you described is not benign, it's neglect. Benign neglect is benign. It's like not going to any of your kids' soccer games except the ones that are important to them, unless they really want you to be there.

Who doesn’t go to their kids sports games?

Hand up here! I don't really like watching and my kid doesn't care if I'm there. So I drop him and go for a 10 mile run then pick him up. Sometimes, I run errands or take another kid somewhere. His performance is his and the sports are for him. My daughter sometimes asks me to stay and watch her and I will. If it's not important to them if I'm there, why should it be important to me? I always show up at the important events and I'm there for any 'final'.