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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t know how she’s defining? so this might sound harsh. But benign parental neglect is how people end up with insecure, anxious attachments that cause problems in their lives.  So I don’t think that sounds good, not meeting your kids needs but housing them. [/quote]

What you described is not benign, it's neglect.  Benign neglect is benign.  It's like not going to any of your kids' soccer games except the ones that are important to them, unless they really want you to be there.[/quote]

Who doesn’t go to their kids sports games? [/quote]

My parents didn’t go to my games.  I didn’t care.  I was also mature enough to understand they had, you know, jobs.

No big deal.[/quote]

I had a SAHM and she did not come to any of our sports games and while I was not really impacted by this (I wasn't into sports), two of my siblings have talked to me about how it was hard for them to compete and see all the other parents there, especially other SAHMs, and to never see our mom. Our dad was also not present in our lives almost at all -- he worked 12 hour days and was and is just very self-involved and never really took any interest in us as people.

So, I don't know. It sounds small "oh my mom didn't come to my Little League games when I was a kid." But on the other hand I get what my siblings are saying about working hard at something and seeing all the other kid's parents there and never seeing your own.

Even though I didn't have the exact same experience, I've realized as an adult that I have relationships with a lot of my friends' parents from growing up -- like I remember eating meals with them, having conversations with them about my life and my future, and I stayed friendly with them for many years after graduating high school and moving away. But none of my friends from childhood know my parents at all. Because my parents were just not very present in my life and even when I had friends over, they just didn't talk to us and didn't really take an interest in my friends (anymore than they took an interest in me). I don't think I fully understood how lopsided this was until I was much older and realized how different my friends' parents were with me (and with my friends) than my parents were.

Anyway, I think my parents would say they had a philosophy of "benign neglect" and especially regarding me, they'd say "oh we knew you were fine and didn't need us." And I was always well behaved, got good grades, had friends, pursued my interests, etc., so I can see why they took this approach, especially since I had some siblings who definitely need more. But now that I'm a parent I think that wasn't a great approach and I realize that I missed out on a lot of nurturing and guidance and reinforcement and just... parenting. I basically raised myself and I didn't do a terrible job all things considered, but I think it probably would have been better to have had *some* parenting beyond just being provided with a place to live and food and clothes and making sure that like my school enrollment paperwork got done.[/quote]

This has a name.  It's called emotional neglect.  It's not benign neglect.  Benign neglect is benign and what you describe isn't.  A loving connected parent who practices benign neglect will be connected enough to know the kid wants them at the game and they will show up.  We eat dinner together every night.  I'm involved in my kids' lives and know what is important to them.  I show up when it's important and I neglect to when it's not important.  Knowing the difference is the key.  It sounds like a lot of folks here don't know the difference or they don't trust themselves enough to have a parenting style that is different.[/quote]

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