Reading your teen's text messages

[Anonymous]

* or history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you read your kids' texts, go through their room, etc., you have calculated that the benefit of losing their trust is worth the chance that you will find something. That is just not the case for me. I want to be the one they come to when they need help, not the one they hide everything from. I mean this as a parent, not someone who is trying to be a friend.

My friends with the snoopiest parents somehow were the ones who took the most risks. Those of us who were not so carefully managed seemed to learn how to self-regulate...

You are isolating yourself to only one outcome in either scenario.

There are parents who hand their kids phones and are hands off and nothing terribly wrong happens. At least, as far as the parents know.

There are parents who are hands on and look through their kids' digital activity and successfully intervene and block irreparable harm from happening.

There are also parents who are hands off where something tragic happens and they WISH they hadn't been so hands off. Take the MoCo 15 year old high schooler who got entangled with subway surfing from social media, who was in contact with distant strangers who encouraged him to engage in the dangerous trend, only for him to end up getting killed: https://www.marylandmatters.org/2023/10/02/heartbroken-parents-warn-of-the-dangers-of-subway-surfing-an-online-trend/

“When he posted his train surfing photos, he would get more likes than he normally did. So I think that certainly was a rush of people liking his scary adventures,” his mother said.

Jay’s parents also discovered that their son was in constant contact with other young people, some as far away as New York City, discussing and encouraging urban exploration and subway surfing.

“They would say to him, ‘You’re a legend.’ And gave him these great compliments. So there’s that sort of validation, a lot of it coming from the social media community,” his mother said.

In exchanges with fellow urban explorers, his parents discovered, their son and his contacts knew the risks they were taking. Some had tragically lost their lives during such activities.

His parents only found out the truth once they gained access to his devices. If they had been monitoring, they could have intervened and stopped their son from taking a risk that ended up with him losing his life.

So with either a hands-on or hand-off approach, there are negative and positive outcomes that can happen. You're not guaranteed one or the other. You just have to decide which one you can live with as a parent.

And for me, I'd rather live with my kid maybe resenting me for monitoring their digital communications on a phone that I pay for, than for them to end up dead or in jail because I was too scared to break their trust or sense of privacy to take a look at what they were up to.

[Anonymous]

I would not think anything of my 14 yo meeting up with a girl at a soccer game.

I don’t ever read texts but they are primarily commutating with other apps than text now. Mine are 13 and 15. We routinely talk about all sorts of things to keep communication open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I occasionally checked texts first year of phone in 7th grade. Reminded them of consequences of bullying and sexually inappropriate comments. They saw friends who got into trouble so they were already scared into good behavior (sadly)

Now at 14 and 16 I do not check. If they started to withdraw from life or show signs of emotional trouble I might be tempted as a last resort but only if I couldn’t find out anything by talking to them first and observing for a bit.

That's been one benefit of being late to get a phone among friends. They see how their friends have gotten in trouble or have been misled or trapped into doing things that were shared around school. They also see how annoying their friends are when they get together on person and only want to stare at their phones.

[Anonymous]

I don’t read my kids’ texts. But I would love to. How do you get access to their texts? Do you have the passcodes?

[Anonymous]

I have, usually due to serious concerns. And then I find another way to address anything I find, I never tell mine I’ve read them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t read my kids’ texts. But I would love to. How do you get access to their texts? Do you have the passcodes?

Yes of course. If I am paying for my kid's phone I know their passcode.

We spot check. Once a month. They know we have the right but we rarely do it. We found out one of our kids had a girlfriend they never told us about.

[Anonymous]

I spot check my kids phone (12, 14) and they know I do. IMO this is not invading their privacy. The 12 y/o just got her phone and I’ve already seen messages from other girls that are pretty hurtful. On the 14 y/o phone, I’ve learned which kids are freely using the N word or calling kids p*ssy or provoking kids to the point where I can tell the target is really, really upset in group and in 1-1 chats. Kids can be Lord of the Flies vicious on group chats. My DS usually tries to intervene and has started new group chats without the little a**holes.

I only talk to them about messages that I think have crossed a line but I usually frame it as, so tell me about X…what’s this kid like? And go from there. It’s very useful to know which kids have problem behavior or are so entitled they feel comfortable using socially unacceptable and hurtful language in “friend” chats.

I’ll keep reading texts at random through HS and have not qualms about it. When there’s a party at X’s house, I will have background on that kid to know it’s a risk even though his parents gush about what a sweet darling he is.

If my 14 y/o is planning a meetup, it is so easy to ask who he’s meeting when he eventually asks for a ride or says he’s walking over to watch the game. Even if you hadn’t read the texts, wouldn’t you ask those sorts of questions?

[Anonymous]

I spot check my 13 year old son's phone. He knows the phone belongs to us and with the phone comes responsibility. I don't check it every day but I do every so often.

I often don't say anything about what I read but we have had discussions about only adding people that he knows on snapchat and also about posting and sending messages. He's been part of some group threads that got out of hand last year with language and venting insults about teachers. He wasn't doing it but other kids were and we had a good discussion about not putting stuff in writing that you wouldn't say to someone's face and I think he is better about stuff like that and generally more aware.

From what I've seen a lot of parents are probably totally clueless about this stuff. I'm also amazed at how many people let their kids reveal their location on snapchat. We've blocked it. No one needs to know where he goes and/or who he's with and he's fine with it.

I also don't let him on any app that I don't know how to use.

[Anonymous]

Long story, when my kid was in middle school another kid made a threat via text. My kid reported it. The cops came to the school. They asked us for my child's phone as evidence, we gave it. The police downloaded all messages on my child's phone.

My kid was not in any trouble, they did the right thing. The other kid got expelled. The point of the story: Make sure your kids understand that EVERY.SINGLE.TEXT they send can be saved forever and read by law enforcement, parents, be forwarded, go viral... it's hard for kids to imagine the consequences but this experience definitely scared my kids (all of them) straight when it comes to what they put in writing.

[Anonymous]

My DS was bullied by his so-called BFF. That person came to my house, smiled to my face, and then spread vicious lies about DS. You bet your A$$ I will read his texts. And I made sure that boy got expelled from a public school.

[Anonymous]

Group chat texts are not, in any way shape or form, private. I don't read my kids' group chats regularly but may glance occasionally. It's also a good reminder to my kids that these are not private conversations. It's like work, don't send anything in an email that you don't want as front page news. Learn this now.

I'll give 1:1 chats a little more privacy except if I can see that there are pics involved. Still, there isn't much privacy in a 1:1 chat either. Kids need to remember this. Their mom doing an occasional glance is the least of their worries.

[Anonymous]

I don't read my teens' texts. We trust them until they show us they are no longer trustworthy. So far, so good. Tell them your expectations of good online behavior, then practice boundaries as a parent. Not allowing your teens any privacy online is like taking away their bedroom door. I wouldn't do the latter, so why would I do the former? Our teens are not inmates in our home, they are human beings.

[Anonymous]

I spot check my kids’ phones. I have the passcodes and am the one who set up their Apple ID/password. Part of my buying their phones and paying their bills is the acceptance that their father and I have a right to check at any time.

I don’t police cursing but will do so if I see my own child using racist or homophobic language. I did find out he was cheating in school, though…with a bunch of other kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you read your kids' texts, go through their room, etc., you have calculated that the benefit of losing their trust is worth the chance that you will find something. That is just not the case for me. I want to be the one they come to when they need help, not the one they hide everything from. I mean this as a parent, not someone who is trying to be a friend.

My friends with the snoopiest parents somehow were the ones who took the most risks. Those of us who were not so carefully managed seemed to learn how to self-regulate...

You are isolating yourself to only one outcome in either scenario.

There are parents who hand their kids phones and are hands off and nothing terribly wrong happens. At least, as far as the parents know.

There are parents who are hands on and look through their kids' digital activity and successfully intervene and block irreparable harm from happening.

There are also parents who are hands off where something tragic happens and they WISH they hadn't been so hands off. Take the MoCo 15 year old high schooler who got entangled with subway surfing from social media, who was in contact with distant strangers who encouraged him to engage in the dangerous trend, only for him to end up getting killed: https://www.marylandmatters.org/2023/10/02/heartbroken-parents-warn-of-the-dangers-of-subway-surfing-an-online-trend/

“When he posted his train surfing photos, he would get more likes than he normally did. So I think that certainly was a rush of people liking his scary adventures,” his mother said.

Jay’s parents also discovered that their son was in constant contact with other young people, some as far away as New York City, discussing and encouraging urban exploration and subway surfing.

“They would say to him, ‘You’re a legend.’ And gave him these great compliments. So there’s that sort of validation, a lot of it coming from the social media community,” his mother said.

In exchanges with fellow urban explorers, his parents discovered, their son and his contacts knew the risks they were taking. Some had tragically lost their lives during such activities.

His parents only found out the truth once they gained access to his devices. If they had been monitoring, they could have intervened and stopped their son from taking a risk that ended up with him losing his life.

So with either a hands-on or hand-off approach, there are negative and positive outcomes that can happen. You're not guaranteed one or the other. You just have to decide which one you can live with as a parent.

And for me, I'd rather live with my kid maybe resenting me for monitoring their digital communications on a phone that I pay for, than for them to end up dead or in jail because I was too scared to break their trust or sense of privacy to take a look at what they were up to.

Subway surfing is not even within the realm of possibility for my kids. Imagining far-fetched scenarios like that is no way to live. Besides, I track them on Life360. That is usually enough to figure out if your kids are hanging out at train yards. Agree that this is all risk calculus. I def don't think snooping is worth it if I am just doing it for .00001% scenarios like this.